At 38 and counting, I’m grateful for the Father’s path for me. I’m grateful that He put me exactly where I always wanted to be in so many ways. I’m grateful for the things that are on the horizon, especially with my business(es). But the question tucked in between all of that gratefulness is,
Will I have children?
From my very own womb? And in these moments of questioning, I am Hannah. And Abraham. And David. Who all asked the same thing. With the same yearning. And the same burning desire.
During the celebration of love last week, as you can guess, my own love life became a topic of conversation more times than I cared to discuss. I understood this was going to be a given, and something I would just need to “bear through”, so I navigated the questions as best I could. “Are you dating? What are you looking for? You’re so attractive, why aren’t you seeing anyone?”, etc…etc… Even when the question wasn’t asked out loud, it loomed in their eyes as they pondered my single status in confusion.
I have other friends who do not have close families, and so we have been intentional to connect during these times, so that we have someone. For the last three Christmases, one of my besties and I have taken trips that have been phenomenal. There have been some sad moments of course, but the comfort of sharing these moments with someone who gets it, is invaluable. I understand that the road I am called to walk is definitely rocky, but there are several around me who are walking it with me, and that brings its own joy.
In all of the stories I’ve heard concerning domestic violence, the theme in them is that, even with all the craziness and chaos and danger, it’s still hard to leave that person. I can resonate with that. I know that we logically may not understand desiring someone who is harming us, but the heart is complex. When we give our emotions and being to someone else, it can be hard to just walk away.
Humans are complex beings, and, in my opinion, women are even more complex. More specifically, in the Black community, we have a history of jealousy, discord, competition (normally centered around gaining attention from men) and pain within female-to-female relationships. We see this in those popular reality shows such as “The Housewives” series. Yes, maybe TV amplifies issues for ratings sake, but, if we were really on the up and up in these relationships, producers would have nothing to work with to portray our interactions in such a negative light.
In that dialogue, one of the questions was, “Have you ever had to ‘wait on God’? If so, what are some practical tools you used that helped in your wait”? Whew! Ya’ll already know what it is with me! I feel like I been waiting on Jesus FOREVA to bring this man. (Where he at Jesus??) But aside from that, just in general, God has typically used waiting in my story. Even stuff I thought was a “suddenly” was more like a, “suddenly this appeared after I had been waiting all this time”! LOL.
In my early 30s, a sudden shift happened in the dry season that had lasted over 10 years of my nonexistent dating life. My heart cried out to God and He heard me. I asked God to move and He did. The floodgates opened, and y’all, it was literally raining men 😂🌧💃🏾. This new experience of hearing God say “yes” (with boundaries) is so opposite of hearing Him say “no” for so long that the sudden onslaught of attention and interest still has not been the easiest to navigate. In fact, I’ve had plenty of pitfalls, tear-stained nights and burdensome conversations. That being said, I also have had SO MUCH FUN.
My best friend got engaged. We knew it was coming but then again we didn’t. We talked about the possibilities and played out the scenarios but nothing makes it real until it really happens. Well it really happened. And all of a sudden, memories of our shared singlehood flash across my minds’ eye. Like that… Continue reading When Your Best Friend Gets Married
People have been asking me what I’m planning for the big 3-4. I honestly have no plans. My emotions have been up and down (ok, mostly down) about the upcoming event and I don’t know how I will feel when it gets here. Will I have a series of bursts of energy and strength… Continue reading Getting Older
Yesterday I had a book event. It was my first event with the new book How To Overcome Heartbreak: Stories That Heal. Unfortunately I didn’t sell as many books as I wanted. I know my mom was a little discouraged by that, but God has taught me an entrepreneur does not just look at the… Continue reading God Wants Isaac