Tag Archive | healing

High-Highs, Low-Lows

It’s the New Year.  And normally I would do a summary of the old year.  I would reflect on all He had done and how He had moved and how far I had come.  But I won’t do that this year.  Not because He hadn’t moved and He hadn’t done and I hadn’t come.  But because it still hurts.

When I think about this season I realize it is the pattern He has always used with me.  A series of high-highs and low-lows.  Except the lows were exceptionally low this time.  And maybe, in some sense, the highs were exceptionally high.  I guess it is a result of the advancement in the journey.  The “greater levels” Church culture speaks of.

I ended 2018 on a “high” note.  I spent 2 weeks in the Caribbean with a dear sister and friend.  A woman who has been by my side for over 20 years.  We are amazed at that fact by the way!  She is the only one who “knew me then”, and I her.  She was the one who stayed the longest when my mom moved on to glory and she was the one my mom loved the most.  Growing up she didn’t have a close family and unbeknownst to me, mine became hers.  My grandmother and mother invested in her immensely and I don’t doubt that the fruit of her accomplishments and successes will be distributed to their heavenly accounts.

As we traveled to Mexico and then Honduras and then Belize, I thought about these great women who came before us.  They were the reason we could lay on white sandy beaches, swim in clear blue waters, ride on beautiful stallions and visit the Mayan Ruins.  They were the reason we could live life so abundantly.

So often I think back on my childhood.  I realize there is no one on this planet who will appreciate it as much as those two women.  Who will “oooh” and “awww” over my baby pictures.  Who will be more excited then me for my next birthday.

These are the lows.

I realize I must process it all in order to move forward.  Healing can only come through truth.  And the truth is, life is both.  It is high and low.  It is dark and light.  And I don’t know if we really appreciate the light unless there is darkness.

After my cruise I met with a different sort of companion.  We exchanged late Christmas gifts and made up for our time apart.  We watched movies and had dates and went ice skating.  It was clear the Father was giving me what I longed for, for so long.  And on New Years Eve, I got my New Years’ kiss.  Something I had never before experienced.  Another high.

 

 

I was asked what I wanted in 2019.  What was my goal?  What did I want to accomplish?  “Healing”, I said.  Knowing it was not necessarily what I wanted, but what I needed.

“Healing and restoration”.

I have always been someone very sensitive to times and seasons.  I was excited to see how the Father was working in my life in the earth.  I enjoy seeing the purpose of numbers and calendars (both Hebraic and Gregorian), but time seemed to have stopped this past year.  And maybe if it didn’t necessarily stop, it didn’t seem to matter as much.

Going into this new season I look forward to building my business.  I have already received my first paycheck which overwhelms me with encouragement.  I look forward to enjoying my loved ones and being grateful for those who are here to offer comfort and support in this journey.  I truly don’t deserve the love they have demonstrated.

 

And I look forward to the moments I have with him.  The man who treats me better than any man has ever treated me before.

The Father is full of surprises.  He knows those hard things and though He doesn’t exempt us from them He offers support and strength as we walk through them.  Through it all I know one thing is certain, He is there.  And He cares.

SHALOM.

 

 

 

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Heartfelt

This weekend I had a hot date. With my mom that is. We played pool and had drinks and had fun. She won 2 out of 3 games but the fact that I even won 1 and came really close to winning another is impressive. She’s a pretty good player and I, on the other hand, am not 🙄🙄. But even though I’m not the best pool player that did not keep her from rooting for her baby girl😊. I marveled at her heart for me. She wanted me to win even if it was at the sake of her losing. That is the heart of a parent. A good parent that is…

In my Healing the Father Wound class someone shared a word of wisdom I marinated on. She said that parents are just adults who do not have it together. So true. As children we want them to have it together. Even as adult children. But who can say that they have perfect parents? No one.

I was so blessed by my mom’s heart to be “for me” and the fact that she would want me to do better than she did. The Father looks at the heart.

I’m grateful to have a mother with a good heart.

And there are so many around me with good hearts. There are so many who are “for me”. In this difficult season of waiting many continue to reach out. I know it is really the Father’s hand reaching out through each one.

Still, often He has seemed so distant, like an onlooker objectively observing. But then I think of my mom and feel His love for me. The kind of love that causes you to want your child to do better than you did. And whatever the sacrifice, whatever the cost, is worth it.

That is the love of the cross.

That is agape.

From this weekend…

SHALOM

Jesus Started With Twelve


Last night I had my second speaking engagement and it went so well!  The whole process of me receiving this opportunity was so unexpected that I can’t help but see God’s hand in it.  While I was unemployed last year I worked filing individual tax returns during the tax season.  One day a client came in to sign off on his paperwork.  He was not my client but my coworker’s client, however because my coworker was unavailable I handled the sign off.  Although this should have been a simple task, things did not run so smoothly.  There were a few errors that needed fixing and I had to speak with management to correct them.  This caused a few trips to the back room, getting on the phone with management and working feverishly to fix the issue.  I was so worried the client would think I was the cause of the error and that I was unprofessional.  Instead he was laid back and very pleasant.  He made small talk and asked me what I did professionally in the off season.  Well, since I was unemployed I didn’t want to mention that aspect of my life so instead I said off handedly, “Oh, I’m a local author”, to which his eyes lit up!  Turns out he was a higher up at a local library and they featured local authors in the library!  He asked for my book but I had just sold out at my first speaking engagement (thank You Lord).  Instead I took his card and agreed to contact his assistant.  Fast forward one year later and I found myself walking into a library that has my picture in the lobby on an easel along with 3 other stellar individuals, a shelf with a row of my book so that readers could “check it out” and a podium and mic set up on stage.  Oh yea and a parking spot that said “Reserved for speaker”.  “Wow!” I thought.  “Where is God taking us?!”  (I was referring to both myself and my mom who was faithfully by my side.)  Mom had mentioned she was praying for the event and hoped for a large crowd.  While we definitely had a good group, it was not the large crowd she desired.  I know to her and others there were just a few individuals present but to my eyes the room was full.  It was full of His glory, His purpose and maybe even a few angels.


Last night I met a guest who shared some personal challenges he was having in this season.  I knew that even if no one else showed up, I was there for him.  The evening was such a blessing as I got to share my testimony of the pain I faced and how God met me in that pain.  I then shared on what I’ve been learning in becoming a healthy single and looking for a healthy dating relationship.  I was so encouraged and inspired by this open door that I sailed home that night on a cloud and woke up this morning with a smile😊.


4 years ago I started this little blog not knowing it would eventually lead to me becoming a published author.  Now a business is developing and income is being received.  Speaking engagements are being booked and skype calls are being made and I am just trying to keep up.  It truly is exceedingly abundantly more than I could have thought of.  So even if there are just a few present, those few matter to God.  I firmly believe that if we are faithful over a few He will make us rulers over much.  He will give the increase.  All we have to do is be faithful and keep moving forward.  Even Christ Himself practiced this protocol.  Because He was faithful with just 12 the gospel has now spread to most of the world over thousands of years.

And He only lived until the age of 33.

Imagine what He could do through you in your lifetime!

SHALOM

Does God Care About My Vote?

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In about 24 hours America will have a new President. A new Leader. And that’s a pretty big deal. Leadership determines the direction of a team. Leadership entails power and authority and influence. There are lots of scriptures in the Bible that teach us how important leadership is and how important the government is. This particular election has stirred up a lot of people’s emotions. People who normally wouldn’t vote are voting and people who normally would are not. Either way, someone new will be in office tomorrow night.

When I first became a Christian I was pretty vocal about my views on the presidential election at the time. My convictions and thinking were set in stone and many of those around me echoed my sentiments. And though some of my thinking has changed over the years, I wouldn’t go back and change my vote, simply because I appreciate the fact that I was sincere about my choice. There was no one swaying me to vote a certain way. If anything I probably swayed others.

This time around however I feel the temptation to be swayed. I am told to “pray about my vote”. The Christians I have been around have historically voted a certain way though many claim to not be a certain party. They have had their certain views and highlighted their certain issues that mean the most to them. And that’s fine for them. But what about for me?

Every election year I pray for God to give me a “heart” regarding politics. I want to do research and have an opinion and care about the things concerning this country. And I do care. But often that is not reflected in researching politics. Often it is spending evenings on my knees weeping for my city and spheres of influence to walk in freedom, healing and wholeness.

I’ve struggled with my role in these elections. I’ve struggled with making the wrong choice. But the very people I have admired seem to be functioning from the same bias and deception as the ones they point the finger at. The body seems to still be functioning from a lesser state of maturity when it comes to these matters and I am disheartened once again. Until I remember that even leaders are not perfect. Even leaders, very good ones, miss the mark. I cannot put my trust in man…

In this season I am learning about choice. I am learning that as we mature in Christ and become Sons He starts asking us to make the choice. He starts giving us free reign because we are in Him and He is in us and we need not fear our decision because it is Him functioning in us. And yesterday while discussing these issues with a wiser woman I am affirmed that while God cares for me, He probably doesn’t really care about my vote. At least not in the way I used to think. Could it be that it’s more about the motive of my vote than my vote itself? Could it be that it’s more important to vote according to the revelation that you have of your eternal identity at this point in your journey than who you actually select on the ballot?

Some people are losing sleep over this election. They are so stressed and anxious about their future because they believe their future is predicated on its outcome. I don’t share that logic. Yes, we are affected by the decisions of our leaders, but as an eternal being I believe we can exert greater influence in the spirit than what any carnal person (man or woman) could possibly demonstrate. We, as in the body, (not one individual person) can put to flight more than 10,000.

If you are like me and have struggled with making the wrong choice in this election than I share with you what I feel God is saying to me. It is your choice and it will work for your good. Stay true to who you are and know that your future, this country’s future, is in His hands.

And whatever you do…don’t forget to vote :-).

 

SHALOM

 

 

When God Is Silent (And You’re Single)

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Check out my FIRST guest blog post with Single Roots!  They are an AMAZING ministry and resource for Christian singles!  In this post I discuss mental health issues and being a Christian.  Often it’s taboo to discuss such topics but I believe freedom and healing come through transparency.  Click to here read more…

Busy Yet Waiting

It’s funny how you walk with God long enough and you start to notice patterns in your life.  Lots of my patterns have to do with waiting.  Often there will be a period of stretching, pressing, waiting and then a release.  In this season there are some new things happening.  The roommate is fully moved in and I have to marvel at how seamless that transition was.  One day she wasn’t there and then all of a sudden she was.  After 3 years.  That situation shows me how much He cares for us.  He knew I needed a period of recovery and He knew just how long that recovery period should be.

Other new stuff…open door after open door continue to lead the path before me with my book.  I’m excited to be a vendor this week at a popular poetry event happening.  God has given me so much favor, I simply don’t deserve it.  He’s been stirring up a desire in me to build my business.  I’ve been working, working, working, and I’m intrigued by what the final outcome will be.  There are so many resources coming to me.  I am surrounded by go getters and make-it-happeners.  No one in my inner circle is standing still.  I like those seasons.

But even in the busyness there is still down time.  There is still quiet.  I still feel stretched in some ways.  I’m still waiting in some ways.

I’m waiting to hear His voice again.  The way I used to.  I’m waiting to start a family, though I told my mom this weekend there won’t be any grandkids if I’m waiting in a few more years.  She and I have a differing of opinion on when it is too late to have children…

For now, my books are my babies.  I am pregnant with purpose and I don’t say that to be super spiritual.  It is simply a fact.  I feel much like Paul, poured out like a drink offering.  I know the sacrifices made were for the written word.  The projects I’m working on.  The people my story will help.

The roomie and I will have our first roommate outing tonight.  I look forward to it.

I look forward to each day these days.  To be home with a cup of tea and my laptop at my finger tips.  Everything is cozy and comforting and that helps the hurt I am still in recovery from.

Fun photo shoot 😉


SHALOM