This weekend I had a hot date. With my mom that is. We played pool and had drinks and had fun. She won 2 out of 3 games but the fact that I even won 1 and came really close to winning another is impressive. She’s a pretty good player and I, on the other hand, am not 🙄🙄. But even though I’m not the best pool player that did not keep her from rooting for her baby girl😊. I marveled at her heart for me. She wanted me to win even if it was at the sake of her losing. That is the heart of a parent. A good parent that is…
In my Healing the Father Wound class someone shared a word of wisdom I marinated on. She said that parents are just adults who do not have it together. So true. As children we want them to have it together. Even as adult children. But who can say that they have perfect parents? No one.
I was so blessed by my mom’s heart to be “for me” and the fact that she would want me to do better than she did. The Father looks at the heart.
I’m grateful to have a mother with a good heart.
And there are so many around me with good hearts. There are so many who are “for me”. In this difficult season of waiting many continue to reach out. I know it is really the Father’s hand reaching out through each one.
Still, often He has seemed so distant, like an onlooker objectively observing. But then I think of my mom and feel His love for me. The kind of love that causes you to want your child to do better than you did. And whatever the sacrifice, whatever the cost, is worth it.
I remember years ago a dream I had. The details are fuzzy but what stands out to me is that I was in trouble and a dear family member came out of nowhere to rescue me. The interesting thing about it was that she was in a wheelchair when she did it! She literally flew out of the air in a wheelchair and came to save me! The message to me was that this person deeply cared for me and would allow no obstacle to hinder her from getting to me in my time of need.
The issue with the dream is that I felt the exact opposite in real life about our relationship and there always seemed to be a battle between us. Isn’t it interesting how God sees one thing and it looks totally opposite in real life? He sees the end from the beginning and as an intercessor, I have been taught that His heart is to manifest heaven in the earth.
I believe in heaven everything is perfect and that includes our relationships. There is no offense or hurt or sorrow. We have perfect relationships with everyone.
At the turn of the year the Father started moving rapidly in the area of this relationship. I had given up. I was so deeply hurt and wounded I did not believe it could be repaired. I was wrong. Not only did He repair it but He did it quickly! Decades of pain were healed in one conversation!
I accredit my loved one with her heart of repentance. Sometimes we have hurtful tendencies but that does not mean we intend to hurt. It just means we are broken.
It is beautiful to watch so many years of intercession being rewarded. To see the unfolding of a flower that has withstood so many wars.
It is a new season between us and I do not take this experience for granted. The weight has been lifted from my heart and I am grateful for it. Sometimes we can carry pain for so long that we do not even know it is there until it is removed.
Thank You Father for removing my pain and giving me a deep desire of my heart.
I picked you up yesterday like I have so many times before. Still, it had been a while. You’ve grown and I had flashbacks of when you were a baby: an aggressive round little brown girl. I never had a brown girl of my own and even though I wasn’t chosen to be your godmother by your mother, you chose me. And so did God.
So we bonded. An easy bond. I loved you. An easy love. And somehow I ended up being a role model and praying for you constantly that you would break the generational curses. You had a hard way from the start and I knew every prayer would count. You’re smart, perceptive, resilient, and a survivor. I can see easily how God has given you the gifts and talents to overcome the deficit of resources you were born into.
Yesterday we road on a hay ride, ate junk food, danced and I stood in a line for 40 minutes for you to get your face painted.
You had never ridden on a hay ride and I love introducing you to new things. It did not escape my notice that when I dipped my fries in bbq you did the same. And when I took a chair in that 40 minute line, you did the same. You follow me and that reminds me of the responsibility I was given. The one I never asked for but couldn’t help but say yes to because of the fondness I have for you.
Pretty soon you’ll be 10 😮. You’ll be a preteen. I’m seeing the changes in you each time I see you. Now you no longer make goofy faces at the camera, you actually smile at it. You’ll be hitting some important milestones and I am in awe that I got to be a vital part of your story. Without me even realizing it, I had a special assignment in your life.
And you have a special one in mine. On mother’s day when I get those calls they warm my heart. As a childless women in her mid 30s I recognize that God gave me a spiritual child.
I look forward to our continued journey together, watching you grow and praying for your wellbeing.
I know our connection is a confirmation that you will do great things.
Tis the season for transition. For moving. For meeting new people. God is opening my heart. He is opening me like a flower that is blooming. The season is changing. There are lots of prophecies coming forth. Lots of confirming words. Lots of things to look forward to. I share my struggles with my sisters. With my roommate. With our cat. I’m going to miss him when I leave, but I’m grateful they will not be too far way.
After five years I’ll be saying goodbye to my landlords. The same ones who came to my 30th Zumba party and my first book release party and gave me a job when I was laid off. Such love. Such favor. Such family.
I’ll be saying hello to the woman who raised me. The woman who needs me in this hour. The tables have turned. I am honored to be there for her. I recognize the sacrifice that is shown on my part.
Sacrifice displays love.
There is a sacrifice of another sort in my belly. It has been there for quite a while. He has been there for quite a while. And even in the messy way I have responded to the sacrifice, He, like a loving Father moves towards and not away.
At His nudging, I practice opening my heart. I practice having conversations and being open and letting new people in. I do this because I realize the only way we can receive a gift is to open our hands to receive it. Open our hearts to receive it.
It is almost June. It is almost summer. The season for blooming is here…
Father give us grace and courage to be open. Give us grace to bloom.
In just 2 months I’ll be moving back in with my mom.Whew.To say that I am shocked by this prospect is an understatement.The shock is probably only slightly overshadowed by my pushing my mid 30s and life looking exactly the opposite of what I pictured.But I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in this.My roomie has the same shock and she is 6 years my junior.My besties have the same shock and we are all the same age.
This weekend I drove around the new neighborhood which is not too far from the old one.I talked to old friends I have reconnected with in this season.So much of the new resembles the old.It’s weird.
I am reminded of a revelation God gave me a few years ago after a big test.He said my life was like a helix.It wasn’t that I was walking in circles over and over the way I felt I was.Instead, I was moving forward in a circular motion.It seems living with my mom again is a part of that same pattern.No matter how hard I tried to make choices that would position me in a certain place at this point in my life (husband, 2.5 kids and dog), I still ended up here.Back to the beginning.
We went to church for Easter (mom and I).I know this is a new beginning for her and I’m blessed to be a part of it, I just wish it hadn’t cost me so much.
On Easter I was reminded of why it costs.It costs us because it cost Him.We are not above the teacher.We are not above our Master.If He sacrificed, we too shall sacrifice.
My roommate gave me a card on Easter which read, “Nicole, just as Christ died and resurrected, I look forward to seeing the resurrection in your life”.That is what I too am desiring.To see the resurrection from all the death.To see the fruit from all the pruning.To see if the wait was really worth it…
The mother and daughter sat across from each other in the small diner. Both adults but as with every child-parent relationship the child is still the child to the parent–no matter how old they get. The daughter took a sip of her latte and typed feverishly at her keyboard. She had brought her laptop so both could handle some unfinished business. The mother took her turn typing (although a little more slowly and a little less confidently) and was pleased with the outcome. They discussed their future plans to move in together. They compared the properties they had looked at; some good, some not. The deadline for moving was drawing to a close and both were walking by faith. The daughter had been down this path many times so panic had not yet kicked in. It would take a little longer for that to happen, if it did at all. Though their meeting was about the future they reflected on the now.
“Can you believe I’m this old?” the daughter said. The mother responded in equal amazement, “No. It’s crazy! I remember when you were in the womb…” and then as was their custom she reminisced about that time of pregnancy 30+ years ago. Her eyes glazed over and she held a far off daze. There were family members who had passed and many who were distant. “I never thought I would lose my whole immediate family”, the mother said. “Well, you have me” I replied. We sat in silence for a moment. It was just us. I never wanted it to be that way. I always wanted a family. I told her just as much that day. I told her how grateful I was for a spiritual family, these spiritual sisters that keep multiplying, but how I still desired blood relatives. “I wanted that for you too” she said.
I ran into a brother that day and teased him about being alone. He explained his wife and children were at a party and he had just gotten off his 2nd job. I was reminded of how different our lives were–his full with mouths to feed–my mouth sipping a latte. It’s easy to covet what one doesn’t have, to see the gift each season holds. Still, some seasons last too long…I told him about a writer’s class that I’m enjoying. “It’s finishing up soon but I’ll keep you in mind for the next one!” “Please do!” he said. Then I teased him about not having room in his schedule. He assured me he will make room. Funny, even with all the things I have going on in this season, I always seem to have room…
For the first time in my life I literally feel “older”. I’ve been thinking about the past and wondering about the future. I don’t have any goals set or big ticket items to check off my checklist. There are responsibilities to carry out and finances to build. There are a few trips I want to take and people I want to see. But no goals.
I think reality is setting in. Maybe that’s what happens in your mid 30’s. You realize though you have much ahead you have a good chunk that is behind and for the first time I have found myself second guessing past choices. My dad assured me on my birthday I had made the right choices. Then why do I not have what I want? I thought to myself. I wrestled with that question for a while.
I’m still wrestling.
The past cannot be changed, only our present. Our now choices will create our future. And as I told my friend last night, all we can do is walk in the light and understanding that we have today. I believe we are only held accountable for that much.
The year has flown by though some days seemed endless. I wonder how we got here often. How did we bustle through Thanksgiving and now Christmas is quickly approaching? Every year I struggle with the lack of family around this time and even though that is still a struggle I am grateful that God has given me something a little unique this year. He has given me community in my home (ironically as I typed that last sentence the cat busted through the door, into my room and is now doing “cat things” in it). My roommate has been such a joy and I love laughing with her. I’m certain she makes the Father laugh all the time. And then there’s Benny (the cat). Benny who acts more like a person and a dog most of the time than an actual cat. My roommate and I have had so many nutty things happen in this house with this cat we often joke about writing a book about them! Yes, God knew what I needed in this season, even if it wasn’t what I thought.
Often it is not what I think.
Yesterday we had our first holiday party. We combined communities and enjoyed the company of our friends, family and loved ones. It was a close intimate group which was about all our little upstairs duplex could hold but it was just enough. My roommate shared on her recent trip to Africa and that was beautiful and powerful all by itself. I am so blessed to see God move so greatly with her and bring to pass a long awaited desire of her heart.
Friday night she and I attended a holiday dance performance. There was lovely singing about Christ and salvation and hope and love. And beautiful dancing to compliment. There was food and people and fellowship and smiles. It has been a very full holiday indeed and there are 7 days left to celebrate! I got most of my shopping done but will have to fight the crowds for a few last items. I’m nervous to get on the scale these days because I know all the cookies and treats I’ve been consuming will eventually reveal themselves on it. It seems every other day a client is dropping off their “thank you” at work in the form of boxes of goodies and sweetness. And then of course we had an overload at our party last night. I’ll be taking the left overs with me to work on Monday!
Life is interesting. It’s not something you can plan for or control and that has probably been my most surprising and difficult lesson. Things I never could have imagined have happened, both good and bad. And yet by most people’s standards I am still “young”. Surely I am on the older end of the young adult spectrum but by next year I will have tipped over.
As unorthodox as this path has been, I know God has taught me that He is in control even when I am not. He is ordering my steps even when they seem disorganized. And He is surrounding me with people full of love, fun and laughter to make the journey a little more enjoyable.
In other news, if you or someone you know is struggling with the holiday blues as a single check out my latest Youtube video!
Also, recently I had a conference call to review the HTOHB study guide. The study guide is available as a FREE download! Just click here for the replay of the call!