This gallery contains 2 photos.
It is Christmas morning. I’m sitting on a comfy couch near a cozy fire drinking a cup of coffee. The tree is small but welcoming and although there are only two presents under it they are wrapped in love. I’m visiting with a woman who goes back to my childhood. She’s the only one I was able to bring with me from that time and for that I hold on to her fiercely. She is mine. And she, like me, did not want to face the holidays alone, so we are facing them together.
I have to admit this life the Father has painted is full of marvelous things. Like yesterday when we drove up the Rocky Mountains and let them take our breath away. Their voluminous size were terrifyingly exhilarating. At once I was reminded at how great the Father is and yet at the same time, so intimate.
It is a wonder.
We laughed and drank and skated and cooked. We did what people talk about doing with their families. Visiting historic landmarks, taking car trips to the mountains, basking in being a family…
Our sisterhood is something I will always be grateful for. This woman walked me down the aisle not on the happiest day of my life but on a day when I needed to do what was most difficult. She stayed two weeks longer when everyone left to make sure I would be ok for my birthday. She has been my rock when I couldn’t see Him anymore…
I could still see Him through her.
And of course she is not the only one. But I want to honor her in this moment in time because she is worthy of being honored. I don’t know what my plans would be if she had not extended her love. If she had not extended her time…
As I get older I hear about others who spend the holidays alone. I have yet to have that experience but I finally realize it is not something I am exempt from. Life is never what we think it will be.
But for now I see the Father’s provision. My dear friend came over and took Christmas pictures of me in my new home, stayed over for hours of fellowship and then came back the next day to drop me off at the airport. I had been visiting with her family previously and was the recipient of more fellowship, more community, more love.
I have known their family for quite some time. They have seen me transform into the woman I am today. They too were there that day I walked down the aisle. They have been there every step of the way.
As life moves along and friends date, get married and have babies, I deal with the weight of my circumstances. I have none of those things. And that is the “rocky” part. The pain, the loss, the trauma…
But this is what I do have…I have snow tubing near the Rocky Mountains Christmas Day. I have waking up to a fire, a cup of coffee and a dear friend who loves me unconditionally. I have a woman who is lavishing a mother’s love upon me in a way that is desperately needed. A new home that came when I least expected and is perfectly tailored for me. Women who have been on this journey with me for more then a decade and even though their life circumstances have changed, they include me in them. They invite me into their family traditions for the holidays. We play spades and bake cookies and enjoy each other. I have provision and style and love. The love is not in the form I thought it would be in. It does not negate the grief and trauma I am still recovering from. It does not fulfill the deep longings of my heart I experience every day and have experienced since that faithful day I submitted to Him at age 19. Giving up the man I wanted to marry at age 22. But it does give me HOPE.
Everyday I wake up, I look at the home He provided and I have hope. He does give us the desires of our hearts. He does manifest His eternal promises in the natural. He does want us to have good things in this life.
He does give His children good gifts…
And that is the reminder of this season. The true meaning of Christmas. A celebration of God sending Yeshua to offer hope for the world. I am always in aww that somehow He chose me to be His. I know I couldn’t have “earned” that right by any great efforts of my own. Believe me I tried. But still somehow I got adopted. I got engrafted into His family. For that I am eternally grateful.
He is my ABBA and I know out of all the gifts He has given me, I am most grateful for that one.
To be His daughter. To be His Love.
To be His.
Merry Christmas from The Rockys☺️☺️☺️.
Last night I had a blast with some good friends at a 90’s throwback concert. It was a last minute, spur of the moment sort of thing but it had been on my radar for months. I have been trying to have a good concert experience for years now and finally I got my wish. We belted at the top of our lungs and swayed to all the popular songs. We cheered on the artists and reminisced about “back in the day”. I really enjoyed that many of the artists did cover songs and tributes to other artists who were not actually performing. It made me feel like they had the same experience growing up that I did with music and those songs meant the world to them too.
I was even more blessed to get to see one of my besties who decided to make the four hour drive and witness what may be a once in lifetime event. We were only able to spend a few moments together but seeing her is just a reminder of how blessed in the friendship department I really am. 15 years strong…
She is a teacher and actually ran into a former student at the concert. You know you are getting up there when the 22 year old sitting next to you is your best friend’s former student. How does that happen? And where does the time go?
Time seems to stand still in my waiting but hurry fast when I’m not. I look back and see the painful moments of surrender but also have to admit the pain does not ever last. More and more I am aware of how temporary this life is and how fast moments go. I guess the test is to not believe the lies of the difficult moments. It also feels like it will never end but it always does.
Last weekend I got to spend time with my god daughter. We made gingerbread houses and played cards all night. She sits up front in the car with me now which has never happened and she is almost just as tall as I am. I kept having flashbacks of when she was three, sitting in the backseat and I was taking her to one event or another. The preteen years are now here…
That same weekend I went to a friend’s birthday party. She just turned 50. I thought about how fast 50 will come for me, if I am afforded those years. I thought about time again and how it seems so slow but flies by. I think it is a mystery that God created.
I’m preparing to make a difficult decision soon and go into another period of transition. I recognize the cycles in my life and though I don’t think it’s wise to project the past into the future, it gets hard not to sometimes.
There are new things happening though for people I love and that is both good and weird.
Life is both good and weird.
I think the mid 30s are teaching me that.
The year has flown by though some days seemed endless. I wonder how we got here often. How did we bustle through Thanksgiving and now Christmas is quickly approaching? Every year I struggle with the lack of family around this time and even though that is still a struggle I am grateful that God has given me something a little unique this year. He has given me community in my home (ironically as I typed that last sentence the cat busted through the door, into my room and is now doing “cat things” in it). My roommate has been such a joy and I love laughing with her. I’m certain she makes the Father laugh all the time. And then there’s Benny (the cat). Benny who acts more like a person and a dog most of the time than an actual cat. My roommate and I have had so many nutty things happen in this house with this cat we often joke about writing a book about them! Yes, God knew what I needed in this season, even if it wasn’t what I thought.
Often it is not what I think.
Yesterday we had our first holiday party. We combined communities and enjoyed the company of our friends, family and loved ones. It was a close intimate group which was about all our little upstairs duplex could hold but it was just enough. My roommate shared on her recent trip to Africa and that was beautiful and powerful all by itself. I am so blessed to see God move so greatly with her and bring to pass a long awaited desire of her heart.
Friday night she and I attended a holiday dance performance. There was lovely singing about Christ and salvation and hope and love. And beautiful dancing to compliment. There was food and people and fellowship and smiles. It has been a very full holiday indeed and there are 7 days left to celebrate! I got most of my shopping done but will have to fight the crowds for a few last items. I’m nervous to get on the scale these days because I know all the cookies and treats I’ve been consuming will eventually reveal themselves on it. It seems every other day a client is dropping off their “thank you” at work in the form of boxes of goodies and sweetness. And then of course we had an overload at our party last night. I’ll be taking the left overs with me to work on Monday!
Life is interesting. It’s not something you can plan for or control and that has probably been my most surprising and difficult lesson. Things I never could have imagined have happened, both good and bad. And yet by most people’s standards I am still “young”. Surely I am on the older end of the young adult spectrum but by next year I will have tipped over.
As unorthodox as this path has been, I know God has taught me that He is in control even when I am not. He is ordering my steps even when they seem disorganized. And He is surrounding me with people full of love, fun and laughter to make the journey a little more enjoyable.
In other news, if you or someone you know is struggling with the holiday blues as a single check out my latest Youtube video!
Merry Christmas to you and yours!