Hi guys! I think I’ve mentioned I’ve been branching out in my writing more. One of the ways I’ve been growing as a writer is by taking a poetry workshop. To celebrate the completion of our class we are having a poetry slam this Saturday! If you’re in the area I’d love for you to come! Details are below😊.
It’s been a month since we started hanging. I knew I was attracted but had no idea God could use that attraction. I had no idea you would be a safe haven. A place of restoration. There are so many things I marvel at: the treatment of respect, the understanding of my value, the seeing of my true self.
For so long I knew I longed for love. As women we long for love. But what I’m learning in this season is that I also long for respect. I believe we have a deep seated longing to be pursued in such a way that causes a man to rise to the high standard our Father has set. But it’s only high because we are royalty. And it’s only high to those who are not.
I learned how to play the game. He made his move and I made mine. Check mate. It took everything I had but I sent the text, forfeited the date, knowing he was a fool.
“You are my gift,” you say. And I don’t tell you, but I feel the same.
It’s amazing one can be intelligent, driven, successful, beautiful and godly. One can be all those adjectives yet still be susceptible to Foolery. Manipulation. Falsehood. And Deception.
One of my spiritual gifts is discernment. Demons and spiritual entities of darkness approached me early on in my spiritual journey and I was hardly afraid.
I could see and hear Truth: He looked like Love and smelled like Beauty and He was Mine.
But even with all the training, all the experiences in spiritual warfare—I have found—there are still blind spots.
You know when you’re driving and you’re on the freeway and cars are zooming by and you need to get over so you check your mirrors? Then you start moving over and you hear a loud honking as the car next to you lays on their horn and maybe follow it up with a four letter word? That happens because you forgot to check your blind spot. And in real life, I’m so good at that. I’m actually super nervous about switching lanes to the middle lane if someone on the other side of that lane is driving parallel to me. I have this fear that one day we will both try to get over at the same time and then… BAM! Thankfully that has not happened. Probably because I’m so anal about checking my blind spot. In driving that is…
I had to learn there are blind spots in life. There are simply pitfalls and traps that I cannot see, as intelligent and driven and godly as I am. I am not all-seeing. I am not Jesus. And clearly Jesus knew that so He gave me (us) Holy Spirit. So many times in the past He used Holy Spirit to navigate me around those pit falls. Many times I did not understand that He was protecting me. I only felt Rejected. Deprived. Frustrated.
In this season He is using others. They call me and tell me updates on a certain situation. They share revelation on men and relationships and things I was never taught by my father. Or Uncle. Or brother. I find YouTube videos, and books and my eyes slowly become open. It’s a difficult thing to re-train my mind because I have thought one way for so long in this area, but I have overcome much more difficult things. I’m certain this will be added to the list.
It’s unfortunate we live in a fallen world where people take advantage of a person with a good heart. They figure out ways to manipulate and deceive. But one thing my friend told me that really encouraged me was this, “We do not have to be like serpents to be as wise as them”. I believe she is right.
I am learning. I am becoming wise. And I will not trade my dove’s heart for a serpent’s crafty one.
He has done too much for me to make that trade.
More than a year.
I have to remember the tingling in my mind.
The needles in my brain.
Giving me no peace.
No time to be.
There was a hand gripping my heart.
A very large hand, and I woke up in the middle of the night
Only to see night
Struggling to see Light.
It was gone. Overshadowed by darkness and pain. He was gone.
“How could You forsake me”? I cried. And cried.
My tears went unanswered.
My fears kept demanding attention.
Implanted there by white men who enslaved my people with chains and whipped them with whips ‘til the skin peeled off their backs.
Nobody had their backs.
Nobody spoke their language.
I couldn’t have made it at the bottom of that ship because just the fear I was experiencing was only a portion of what they went through.
Just the awful grotesque darkness that invaded me for weeks
And more than a year, almost drove me to suicide.
Because a person needs their mind.
A person needs a sense of identity.
And when they don’t have that, then who are they?
Who are they but a wondering soul waiting for each day to bring them truth.
One day rolled into the next.
And I realized that if God keeps waking me up there must be a purpose.
There must be a reason.
He stood there–distantly–guiding me with His eye, showing me the way.
I trusted in His way because it had never let me down.
I sat down.
Peace in my mind.
Hope in my heart.
Love in my members.
I sat down, resting in that place and I had to be reminded of the needles in my mind. They threatened me with intensity and my propensity to give in to fear-lessened.
Just like the demoniac, I was touched.
In a way I didn’t want, but a way that needed to be.
I was free.