Tag Archive | singleness

One Day At A Time

Lately I’ve been thinking about Abraham.  I’ve been told I need to have the faith of Abraham.  A few years ago I studied the scriptures and received great revelation on how God was working in my life.  He was moving in a similar manner in the way He had moved with Abraham.

For so much of this journey I counted it an honor to be chosen.  I felt elated at the thought that I could capture the Father’s eye and then His heart.  That thought still touches me.

But reality is it is a journey, and journeys were never created to be completed overnight.  Instead they stretch out in the distance…

journey_image

I am stretched out in the distance.  I am stretched and stretched and stretched and my belly feels flattened and emptied out.  I find myself going in circles around similar obstacles in times past and I’m shocked that the same obstacles that are in my present were also present in my past.

A woman in my fellowship was interceding for me.  She was interceding and warring when I had given up.  I had given in.  And I was so touched to know the Father was thinking of me, even when I had turned my back on Him.  When I had turned my back on myself.

Today I am trying to get back to myself.  I know the other path leads to destruction and that is my primary motivator.  It took 25 years for Abraham to receive the promise.  And how did he make that 25 year stint?  One day at a time.

Weekend☺️

SHALOM

 

I Never Wanted to Date


So now I’m more open. I’m receiving phone numbers, I’m going out, I’m letting the universe (and Jesus, of course) know that, “I’m accepting applicants from quality candidates at this time.

Dating wasn’t my first choice. It wasn’t what I thought my romantic life would look like 10—ok, ok, 15 years ago. But there is no formula…

Hi there!  To read more check out my guest blog post over at Single Roots “I Never Wanted to Date“!  Feel free to share your comments, thanks!😊

An Open Letter To My Roommate

Tonight will be the last night we sleep under the same roof together. Ever. (Insert sad face.)

I remember our first meeting and how I knew God wanted me to connect with you.  I had no idea back then that you would be in my inner circle.  That for nearly a year you would be a confidant, a friend and a vital prophetic voice for me in this season.  He has used you in so many ways…I’m sure you are unaware of all of them.


I needed to heal in my home, and I did while living alone, but then you brought a whole other level of healing.  Maybe one day we will get to know exactly how much.

I remember driving to our first get-together, feeling so empty, and at the same time so full with God.  “I have nothing to offer her Father.  I don’t have the testimony I would want at her age.  All I have is the cross”.  I spoke these words out loud during that drive and when I met you it became clear to me that the cross was all you wanted.

You are an amazing woman Lianna Mueller and if my blog was created simply just to meet you, well, then its purpose has been fulfilled.  I tried my best to be transparent in this journey of the cross.  I did not want to falsely portray what being disciple is.  It’s hard.  It’s really, really hard.  But when you’re chosen you have the grace and supernatural ability to lay down those things so dear.  Over and over again.

You my friend are chosen.  And I am so honored to also have been chosen to be written into your story.

And then you brought along Benny, and I was touched, knowing that this too was an answer to a desire I had buried.


There were so many funny moments and late night talks and encouraging words and prayers.  You are a gift and I’m so happy to have been able to experience who you are to Him.

You are a reminder that even when our story doesn’t look the way we want it to, or think it should, there are still great surprises around the corner.  There are still fingerprints of the Father’s love and care as we courageously move forward on this unchartered path.

My prayer for you is that you will grow in security and confidence in who He created you to be.  That He will keep molding you and shaping you and showing you destiny, promise and purpose.  His ways are not like ours, but they can be so much better.  Let Him draw you in with His love until you are face-to-Face with the Creator.  When you do, you will see that His Face is actually a reflection of your true self.

Many blessings to you in your next season and may He give you the very desires of your heart.

Love always,

Your sister and friend,

Nicole.

The Gift

It’s been a month since we started hanging. I knew I was attracted but had no idea God could use that attraction. I had no idea you would be a safe haven. A place of restoration. There are so many things I marvel at: the treatment of respect, the understanding of my value, the seeing of my true self.

For so long I knew I longed for love. As women we long for love.  But what I’m learning in this season is that I also long for respect.  I believe we have a deep seated longing to be pursued in such a way that causes a man to rise to the high standard our Father has set. But it’s only high because we are royalty.  And it’s only high to those who are not.

I learned how to play the game. He made his move and I made mine. Check mate. It took everything I had but I sent the text, forfeited the date, knowing he was a fool.


But then you were there. Again. And when you speak I know it’s sincere. I know your words are true. And I think fondly of our budding friendship.

“You are my gift,” you say.  And I don’t tell you, but I feel the same.

SHALOM

More Than A Conqueror

girl on mountain 3

This weekend has been full as they normally are.  I met with my brothers who I share tender memories with of hitting the streets with the gospel when we were young and full of zeal.  The only female surrounded by guys, I was just as bold and fearless.  Those were fond days with night long fellowship, bible studies and witnessing.  Now 15 years later (where does the time go?) we rivaled our times of fellowship, choosing to leave after 5 hours of conversation.

Some things never change.

It is an answered prayer that I have prayed for godly men to be once again on the scene.  There was a season (a very long season) where I had to let them all go.  I had to detox.

Some of the most powerful spiritual fasts I have been on have indeed been from men.  

I struggled like a feen needing a fix, but Jesus strengthened me through the withdrawals. Somehow, some way, He kept me from (another) toxic relationship that would destroy my self esteem and thwart my purpose.

I asked my brothers, “How have I changed these 15 years?” and they responded, “You love God more”.  I was shocked.  How could I love Him more when I feel so far away from Him?  When I no longer have that zeal?  Those exciting, “Yes Lord’s!” that I kept giving in my 20s.  And even early 30s.  How could that be?  It wasn’t until the next day when I pondered more on their response that I heard God’s answer: “You have demonstrated greater sacrifice now than you did as a new believer.  True love is sacrifice“.  

True love is sacrifice.  We see that on the cross.  Christ demonstrated His love for us by submitting Himself to horrible torture and unimaginable pain.

I have not resisted unto bloodshed.

But I have given my all.  Over and over again.  And He has rewarded me diligently.

There is a woman in scripture who only had 2 mites.  It wasn’t a lot in her day.  It didn’t compare to the big givers in her local synagogue but her giving astounded Christ because she had given her all.

I spoke with a dear friend on the phone yesterday.  We talked for 3 hours.  We began a friendship—a sisterhood, at the age of 14 not having any idea we would have more than a friendship; we would have a covenant.  Christ did revolutionary things in our lives so even when we were not in contact we were still transforming into two souls who would shake the kingdom.

She said “Nicole, you’re an overcomer”.  I needed those words.  I needed to remember all that I had overcome.  The fact that I am going back to the beginning, giving up my independence, facing memories that once threatened to be the death of me has stretched me further than I ever wanted to be stretched.

“Only an overcomer could go back”, she said.  She’s right.  I now have authority in what I overcame.  I now have authority in that territory, in those relationships, in my family.

It has been a rocky road.  This has been a rocky season.

But the transformation is magnificent.

And the manifestation of my transformation is still being revealed.

After my morning run…


SHALOM

Back To The Beginning

In just 2 months I’ll be moving back in with my mom.  Whew.  To say that I am shocked by this prospect is an understatement.  The shock is probably only slightly overshadowed by my pushing my mid 30s and life looking exactly the opposite of what I pictured.  But I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in this.  My roomie has the same shock and she is 6 years my junior.  My besties have the same shock and we are all the same age.

This weekend I drove around the new neighborhood which is not too far from the old one.  I talked to old friends I have reconnected with in this season.  So much of the new resembles the old.  It’s weird.

I am reminded of a revelation God gave me a few years ago after a big test.  He said my life was like a helix.  It wasn’t that I was walking in circles over and over the way I felt I was.  Instead, I was moving forward in a circular motion.  It seems living with my mom again is a part of that same pattern.  No matter how hard I tried to make choices that would position me in a certain place at this point in my life (husband, 2.5 kids and dog), I still ended up here.  Back to the beginning. 

We went to church for Easter (mom and I).  I know this is a new beginning for her and I’m blessed to be a part of it, I just wish it hadn’t cost me so much. 

On Easter I was reminded of why it costs.  It costs us because it cost Him.  We are not above the teacher.  We are not above our Master.  If He sacrificed, we too shall sacrifice.

My roommate gave me a card on Easter which read, “Nicole, just as Christ died and resurrected, I look forward to seeing the resurrection in your life”.  That is what I too am desiring.  To see the resurrection from all the death.  To see the fruit from all the pruning.  To see if the wait was really worth it…

SHALOM