Settling Is Not An Option

One could say my dating life is “poppin'”. Out of nowhere a slew of pursuers have surfaced in recent years “shooting their shots” or tossing their free throws, or whatever it is that the young kids say now a days to describe an interested romantic party. In some ways, it feels like I am making up for the dry spell of my 20s…and, oh yea, early 30s. In some ways, it feels like God is trying to write a better story than me. I say that because years ago, before all the movement, I felt like I could actually write a better story than Him. I started getting into fiction writing and created these beautiful Black characters who were able to find love, healing and Jesus, all in one scene (not quite, but you get the picture). I figured, since I couldn’t seem to have these experiences, well, I would at least create characters who could! But then, I did start having these experiences, and if I were to read this part of my life in a book, well, it would certainly be a best seller.

The thing is, nothing has seemed to last. My pursuers come right on time, and, full of purpose, but they are always, always seasonal (womp, womp).

Years ago, I fell in love with a man who I thought I would love forever. And then, even after that failed relationship, I harbored a serious crush on another man I was convinced was my future husband. After that 2nd experience though, I think God, in His mercy and love for me, decided to cut me a break and let me know early on when a man was not my spouse so that I would stop believing that people were, who weren’t! LOL! It hasn’t been since my early 20s, thankfully, that that has been the case though. I usually know when a man is not “the one”. And I know fast.

But it’s not just the supernatural discernment that gives me this insight. Its the evidence that is confirmed in the natural as well. (Let me just add that it is my personal belief that the supernatural should be confirmed in the natural). One guy was too immature. He always wanted to “play” and believe me, I love to have fun, but there is a time and a place. Another guy was an undercover addict, and liar. Another guy was in the midst of a divorce and in need of some serious healing, while another, was still wounded from a breakup nearly ten years prior and was too afraid to open his heart to love. And the list goes on and on. But always, always, they are not “ready”. Something in their life is “in progress” and they are not stable emotionally, financially, spiritually, etc… Now, I clearly have had my own issues, and am in no way “perfect”. I’m just staying what God has shown me in terms of why they were not “it”.

Recently I had a conversation with a friend regarding a relationship I was foregoing. His words hurt when he said, “If you don’t pursue this, than you will always be alone.” OUCH. Well, I responded with the question, “Would you rather that I settle?” He went on to explain where he was coming from, that he just didn’t want me to be too picky. I get it. From the outside looking in, it could look that way. Especially to someone who’s path is so different. I know my journey in love is rare and is not shared by the masses. I know that being 38-years-old and never married with no children is quite an anomaly in our culture. I know my friends and I are being talked about and side eyed and lied on simply because we are “waiting”. Because the world doesn’t know what the hell we are waiting for. And half the time, we don’t know what we are waiting for.

But when I am in my right mind, I do know. I know that I am waiting for that still small voice. I know that voice like I know the back of my hand. I know it because it came to me at such a young age when I wasn’t taught about religion, but I was taught about relationship with the Creator. I met my Father, and even with all the backwards philosophy and theology circulating our culture, no one can ever take that experience from me. On top of that, He wooed me and manifested His love so vastly that any desire I have had that was selfish or self-seeking, I laid down for Him at His request (with His strength). So much so, that some 20 years later, I am still following His lead. Even when I am going kicking, screaming and moonwalking backwards to get there.

That being said, settling is always a temptation, but somehow, through His divine grace, has not been an option. And so, I’ll go on this date this week with my new interest and follow the leading that has always led me to the best outcome for me. Because, though my friend was afraid I would miss out on letting go of that last experience, he was wrong.

Because God provided again.

Right. On. Time.


By Nicole D. Miller

Nicole D. Miller is an author and heartfelt writer, as expressed on her blog Better Than Wine. Her books are published at and on Amazon. She loves all things “old school” hip-hop and R&B, along with any outfit that involves cute boots and thick scarves. She even manages to run her own bookkeeping business ( when she’s not cuddling her cute cat she fondly calls, “Squeaks”.


  1. And no, turning down someone (or many people!) who are not suitable for you definitely doesn’t equate to being alone forever. Keep waiting for that still, small voice. I’m waiting with you.

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