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People have been asking me what I’m planning for the big 3-4. I honestly have no plans. My emotions have been up and down (ok, mostly down) about the upcoming event and I don’t know how I will feel when it gets here. Will I have a series of bursts of energy and strength that I’ve often experienced when the enemy has tried to come up against me? Or, will I give in to the quiet stillness of my soul that has marked this season with Christ?
I told my friend recently that I’m allowing myself to experience both. I’m allowing myself to be grateful for the ground the Father and I have gained together, the victories and the wholeness He has created. And also, I’m allowing myself the disappointment, confusion and frustration at the waiting. I’m a numbers person and I do believe I am supposed to be, working in Accounting and all. I believe numbers mean a lot to God as well. He taught me a lot a few years ago just how important they were. What I learned then was that His ways are not our ways. His view is not ours and often He wants us to come up higher to see things from His perspective. For a while there I was seeing but then the darkness came and I found myself lost, questioning very foundational truths that had guided me these 15 years. I was tormented with fear and anxiety and I didn’t have time to think about singleness, I was just trying to choose life. But I did choose and one day at a time I made it to where I am now: more soundness of mind. More peace. More grace. Now that I’m here, singleness is a focus again. I honestly never thought it would be this long. I don’t disagree with the Master’s hand and plan. I know without a shadow of a doubt His way, His timing is best. But I need to process the fact that his timing is longer than I imagined.
For most of my journey I felt a security in my future. I felt confident of His path. Much of that confidence stemmed from my emotions and feelings; the perks of being less mature in the faith I suppose. But now He has said I am more mature and He has treated me as such. Instead of doing things for me He is teaching me to do them for myself. That’s been a paradigm shift. One I haven’t welcomed freely.
The Father has been faithful in all things. He has made promises and I have no doubt He will deliver. But there is a process involved before the manifestation of those promises.
Until the time that his word came to pass,
The word of the Lord tested him.
Like Joseph my friends and I know this testing. We have each encountered our own paths of being formed by the Master’s hand and we have overcome many things. But it seems no matter how many victories I’ve experienced, the next level is even more fierce than the last. I believe this to be true with marriage. I believe the tests will get more difficult and that is why the process in singleness is so needed, to create a sturdy foundation.
I am a blessed woman. God is faithful and my cup runs over. But I am still waiting and I did not know the wait would be this long.
The process this thorough.
The mountain this steep.
This weekend I celebrated the release of my 2nd book How To Overcome Heartbreak: Stories That Heal. It took me exactly 9 months to start this book project and publish it. That’s probably pretty quick for most but that was the gift God has offered me in this season.
I have the gift of TIME.
The most touching moment of the party was sitting in a small group discussing the topics that I now am so passionate about: healing from emotional pain, walking out extended singleness and preparing for a healthy relationship. In the midst of me sharing my testimony on these areas I said that God had made His promise clear to me, however He did not reveal that I would need to be transformed to receive that promise. After my sharing an older woman in the faith said she heard the word “transparent”. I needed to be more transparent to receive the person…I felt that meant I needed to be more humble.
Sharing such intimate parts of my story always humbles me and really it is only my desire to please the Father and help heal others that motivates me.
I’ve been thinking a lot about Yeshua in the garden. That time was such a picture of His humility. He left glory and perfection to experience a darkness I can’t imagine.
And He did it for us.
Now as I walk out my own journey I relate to His suffering. Though mine could never compare to His I know it is meaningful because it is my whole heart that I have given Him. It is the very depths of me that I have offered.
I am surrounded by the faithful. I have sisters and brothers who understand the deep and the level of sacrifice He has called us to. That is another gift I have in this season:
I have community.
I can say this road is not easy. There are many hard days and even hard seasons. Just yesterday I shed tears on a call with a woman I’ve trusted for the last 15 years. I shared about my deep desires and awaiting the fruit I felt I was called to. But I guess that is the beauty in this life: in the midst of the tears there is love. There are these people who God deeply values and who deeply value me who are rooting me on and listening quietly as I pour out my pain.
There is both loss and fullness on this path and often I feel them at the same time.
There is His hand weaving a story I never could have fathomed.
And then there is me, imitating the Author of life and putting my hand to the keys of a computer to do the same.
Like Father, like daughter.
I hope He is pleased.
Hi guys! Please check out my latest guest blog post on Single Roots called “Single & Pushing My Mid 30s”. Thanks!
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It happens to the best of us: someone catches your eye or maybe you caught theirs. Perhaps there followed a nice stimulating conversation after that initial attraction. The atmosphere seemed perfect, the dialogue phenomenal, and you can’t help but think, “Hmmm, this may just lead to something”…
To read more check out my guest blog post at Single Roots “When You Like Them But They Dont Like You Back”!
I was told good things come in 3’s. I’m not a superstitious person however I know that there are patterns and ways of God that we can become awakened to. Our change in the seasons in nature are an indication of that.
That being said, if such a thing exists then I am a recipient of the “3-rule blessing”. My first week at work went well. For three workdays in a row my employer treated me to lunch. The first day was actually with my former employer who will now be my current employer part time since I’m still helping him with his business. Someone tell me how you go from 0 to 4 jobs in one year??? Only God. Training is just what I needed too. I have had so many insecurities and fears concerning this calling in accounting. My undergrad experience was pretty shocking and I think my accounting prof would think it laughable I am actually considering my CPA. But God is our weakness where we are strong. He definitely has been my strength in this area…
It turns out I had nothing to fear as my Controller took his time training me and I was even able to help him in some areas. The overall feel of this position is one of “chill”. The atmosphere is void of the stress and anxiety my previous employers carried. The anxiety that I too previously carried…Maybe it is a prophetic picture. I can rest now.
So I’ve been worried for nothing (as is always the case). It is like the Father is holding my hand and walking me through the steps it takes to get to where We are going. I am overwhelmed with His good gifts to me in this season. One of those gifts is my new book How To Overcome Heartbreak: Stories That Heal. This book took me exactly 9 months to begin and publish. Earlier this year He gave me a dream showing me pregnant with a very large child. He showed me it would be an easy delivery. It was…
I never imagined I would be an author. That I would write about very personal things. That the place that used to be my hiding place as a child–the library–would now find my own writings in its aisles and on its shelves. I am in awe.
I was told more books would come and there would be a demand for them. I was told they would come without sorrow. I desire that. To not have to go through very hard things in order to write. I look forward to this next chapter of my life, which consists of my new accounting position, this new book, and a new grace…
To find out more about my new book How To Overcome Heartbreak: Stories That Heal click here.
Some really good times lately…