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“In that day I will respond,”
declares the Lord—
“I will respond to the skies,
and they will respond to the earth;
and the earth will respond to the grain,
the new wine and the olive oil,
and they will respond to Jezreel.
I will plant her for myself in the land;
I will show my love to the one I called ‘Not my loved one.’
I will say to those called ‘Not my people, ‘You are my people’;
and they will say, ‘You are my God.’”
I have had this word on my heart for a while and felt that I needed to write it down. In my process of recovering from a very difficult season, I often look back (almost daily) and I wonder why the Father orchestrated certain events in my life in the manner that He did. I all too often compare and see how He blessed “so and so” with this or that and yet chose not to for me. I am very well aware of the scripture that cautions us not to compare, yet and still, it happens.
It’s so easy to quote scripture when you are growing in your faith. It’s easy to know the word logically, it’s quite another story to actually walk His path out. To apply His teachings to your life’s journey. Day in. Day out. For years.
I remember when my friend started dating her now husband, she talked about having all of this book knowledge about dating beforehand, but how difficult it was to use that knowledge when she finally had the opportunity. She said it was like being on a sports team and learning the plays before the game, then she got in the game and forgot the plays. That resonated with me. How often do we forget to apply the knowledge that we have accumulated in those “high” season of faith, when we walk through the valley of the shadow of death?
And maybe it’s not that we forget. Maybe its just that we are in too much pain to do so.
I have sought the Father on His way of doing things in my journey, even so recently as this morning during quiet time. “Father, why did you do it this way? Why did you ‘bend’ to your people in times past and not for me now?” Indeed, I could think of several scriptures where I saw that He would give the people what they wanted, even if it was not what He wanted. Never mind that they ended up being worse off in the end. I just wanted some kind of relenting from this thorn in my side.
But in my time of prayer I was reminded of what He is teaching our fellowship in the spiritual school we are in. He is teaching us, that in all things, to give thanks. So as hard as it was, I started doing that. Memories of how He manifested Himself in those final days with my mother flooded my heart. How He led her to repentance. How He gave us time. Every trip she made us go on. The Bible Study He gave that we attended together. His presence during that time. He made Himself so manifest even though I didn’t know why. Now I can look back and say, He did it for me.
He did it for us.
There is so much pain still in my heart that I am working through. So many mornings I wake up and think of them. My family. My mom. My grandmother. I am still in shock that this is the path. This is the outcome of all those years of faith. And yet, when I give thanks, I see that He did not forsake me. He did not leave me alone, even though I have felt so very alone.
I wrote in a journal entry recently, “Singleness has been a thorn in my side these 15 years, but it has not killed me”. That was the truth. It has been difficult and challenging. Painful and lonely. Hard and led to much hope deferred. But it did not kill me.
He does things His way. That is what I am learning. He answered in His way. He gave me my own business in response to my former employer persecuting me. He gave me time with my mom when I didn’t know our time was limited. He gave me an amazing companion in a season of singleness when loss was faced on several fronts. He gave me sisters when I did not have close family. He gave me financial provision when I didn’t have steady income.
He answered. He just didn’t answer in the way I wanted Him to. He did not take away the thorn.
Instead He gave grace for it.
I’m grateful for His provision. I’m grateful for the women in my life who are there through thick and thin. I’m grateful for the Holy Spirit who’s mercies are new every morning.
He does not give up on us. He does not leave us alone.
Thank You Father for Your answer.
I know that I am not worthy of even that.
It’s been a whirlwind of a year and though I received so many presents during my last birthday I wasn’t able to enjoy them all. It wasn’t until I found a few in a drawer that I even knew some had been forgotten. I texted a friend asking if she was the one who had given me the beautiful necklace made in Africa, thinking that only she would. She confirmed in response that, yes she did. I have been intentional about wearing it this week. Along with the necklace I found a couple of empty journals, a super cute luggage tag and a traveler’s guide for black women.
My friends are great.
I wrote in the journal and made a mental note to use the tag on my next trip. I have so many gifts and yet haven’t taken time to enjoy them all. And that led me to thinking about the spiritual applications of this natural occurrence.
What gifts am I not enjoying now?
In this season?
In these circumstances?
I started a practice of gratitude a week ago. I decided to be intentional about being thankful for just one thing a day for 30 days. Clearly there is more than just one thing to be thankful for daily but I felt overwhelmed and pressured with that truth. Just choosing one thing felt doable. I have been doing good so far, and participating in this practice has helped me to focus on the good (Phil 4:6).
I recently read, It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way, by Lysa Turkerst and in it she talks about her decision to look for something good in her season of suffering. She physically looked around her environment until her eyes landed on something tangible. Something that reminded her of the strength and courage she would need to face her current circumstances.
It can be challenging to look at the good when your heart is aching from various heartbreaks. When grief and sorrow seem to follow you wherever you go, and it surprises you because it never did before. But even when telling my story to a friend just yesterday, she reminded me of the testimony that came out of this season. The testimony of the restoration of a mother and daughter.
I was putting a gift together for a friend, and I was so excited. I was so proud of the creativity and thoughtfulness that went into the gift. I knew it was the Lord for me to pull it all together. I was searching for a box to mail it in when I came across a box full of stuff my mom had. Some things she kept. Some keepsakes. There were gifts I had given her for Mother’s Day and it touched me so much that she had kept them. And that I had honored her and showed love while she was still with me physically. I then came across a dear picture of my grandmother. She was a teenager and oh so lovely. I had always loved that picture and remember seeing it hanging on my nana’s (great grandmother’s) wall as a kid. Now it’s mine💕.
In truth it had been mine for the last year, but it was hidden in a box somewhere in the basement. Unopened.
I know I can get into this habit of asking God for more. More of what I feel was lost or taken or withheld. But how much would it pain me if my friend, (who I just mailed their gift to), stashed it away and left it unopened? And then asked me for another gift? When I had went through such great lengths to show her my love by giving things that would be dear to her heart? It would be disappointing to say the least. I would definitely be hurt.
So I want to be more intentional to look around in this season and see the unopened, unwrapped presents. I already know about the gifts I didn’t get that I wish I had. I have expressed my sentiments on that enough. But what about the ones I have been given that I’ve neglected? Like my grandmother’s picture? Why should I be given more when I haven’t thoroughly enjoyed all that I already have?
Father help me to thoroughly enjoy the gifts You have chosen to give in this season.
Today is my 36th birthday. When I look back on my life journey these 35 years (and 1 day) I have lots of thoughts and feelings. I am in awe of how the Father manifested Himself to me as a 19-year-old. Even though I believed since I was a child, it wasn’t until college that my intimacy with Him exploded from being a believer, to becoming a follower.
For 13 years straight, everyday, I woke up to intimacy. It was an intimacy I had never known. It was what caused me to leave my fiancé, move in with my mom, and wait for the next steps. As a college grad that is what He told me to do, so that is what I did.
I did not know then, that that was just the beginning. That along with His intimacy, I would learn sacrifice. I would learn that,
I am so blessed to have had such an amazing experience with the Most High. That He would count me, a lowly black woman of a single parent home, born out of wedlock, to a hardworking family who made ends meet by whatever means necessary.
That He would call me, Daughter.
I counted it an honor to be His child. To receive His love when I was so undeserving. I counted it an honor to be His. And in the midst of a dark and broken world full of pain, I was sheltered. Not that I myself hadn’t experienced pain, but He was always there. Showing me how to overcome it.
Applauding me when I did.
In the midst of that journey, He was producing something in me. He was creating wholeness and a legacy that is still to be revealed. At the same time, He was teaching me something.
He was teaching me how to suffer long.
In this season the lessons have intensified. The stakes have gotten higher. No longer have I wanted to be a student in what felt like an advanced course. No longer did I want to die.
I realized, while standing at my mother’s grave last month that the path will always be too difficult. There is a strength in me, an inner strength. And it has been passed down in my bloodline from one woman to the next (our family is made up of strong women). But no matter how strong I have been, I do not have the capacity to make this climb in and of myself. It will always be too difficult for me. I need Him.
In so many ways, now is my future. As a teenager when I laid down my life for Him and surrendered my passions and desires, I hoped for my future. I hoped for what is now. I had an idea and an expectation of what that now would look like. I believed “If I do things Your way, then eventually You’ll do things my way”. But He doesn’t. It is His way.
Always His way.
This last season has changed me. Trauma does that. In some ways it is a good change. Now I know the compassion of Christ like I have never known it before. Now I know what grace really is. It sustains you when you face your darkest fears. It covers you when you make your greatest mistakes.
I was talking to E recently and I told him that every year it rains on my birthday. As much as I love birthdays and I love to celebrate, its discouraging that every year it either rains or snows in Cleveland, Ohio. “It is at least always grey,” is what I said to him. E being the eternal optimist responded, “But what if it isn’t? What if its sunny and warm?” I just shook my head at him and rolled my eyes. “I have been on this planet for 35 years and every year it is rainy and cold. Trust me. I know.”
It is going to be 52 degrees today and sunny. 52 degrees in Cleveland, Ohio on April 3rd. It has never been 52 degrees in my recollection of birthdays. Ever.
I miss my mom. I miss her because she was always the one who celebrated the loudest. I miss her because I never imagined she would not be in my future. She would not be in the now.
But it is 52 degrees today. And I am enough of a prophet to know when He is showing me something. “The season is changing”, E said. And my heart lifted a little. But not too much, for fear that it would be broken again, but just enough to where I was open. Kind of like me saying, “If that is the case God, then show me”.
I welcome a change in season but struggle with expecting it. I have had so many false expectations and did not realize it until they did not come to pass. I guess that is apart of maturing.
I will spend time with loved ones today. I’m keeping a small circle because my heart can’t handle a large one. There are already people celebrating my birth and that is such a blessing when the one who gave birth to me is no longer present.
I’m grateful for His provision and His sustaining power. It really is supernatural that I have never went without, even when I have not had a job. I’m grateful for Him teaching me so many things in the past and maturing me to this point. I would not have become the woman I am today had I not listened to His leading, especially when I didn’t agree with it.
I know that He is faithful and right and true. It has just been difficult after such a long journey to trust. Job was able to trust even though he was being slayed. That is the level of faith I feel He has required.
I’m grateful He is more gentle with me than with Job. He handles me with care. Even in the midst of the storms and tests, He protects, only allowing so much, though it was more than I would have preferred. He surrounds me with His people and meets me with His Word.
He guides me with His eye.
I am grateful for the foundation He laid, to sustain me through the journey. We can never fully comprehend what lies ahead. But we know that He is there. Always there.
Now is my future. And I don’t know what the next season holds. But I can look back and see He has always sustained me.
And I know that is one expectation I am safe to have.
I was raised in a 2-parent household. But not in the traditional sense. Instead of a mom and dad I had a mom and grandmother, whom I fondly referred to as “gramma”.
When I think back on my childhood, it consisted of these two women. We moved away from extended family when I was young so they were all I had.
Things weren’t easy, but I never went without. Birthdays and Christmas were always a big deal. I woke up early, excited to open the things I had written down on my Christmas list. And things that I hadn’t. Meals were always provided for, even if I qualified for “free lunch” at school because of our income. Good night’s sleep were had, even if my mom and I shared a bunk bed and a room. They made sure to keep me out of inner city schools even if I had to catch a few city buses to get to the suburban school, or lie about my address. We did what we had to do.
My mom and I had our ups and downs and my grandmother prayed vehemently for us to stay in the ups. Sometime around her own passing, I can see, God started answering her prayers. He filled the gaps. He started a plan of restoration and healing and love. There was always love there but sometimes it was hard for me to see it in the midst of the brokenness.
My most fondest memories are towards the end. The three months He gave us when the brokenness was healed. The humility and redemption and love. Now I could see the love from her shining so brightly. Every time I came home and she greeted me at the door, wanting to hear about my day. The grief she held when I was being persecuted by my employer. It was like they were persecuting her too. Her presence at the hospital when I had surgery, never leaving my side. The safety I felt, sitting next to her in Bible study, learning the Word together, sharing the gospel. Sitting between her legs as she braided my hair, like she did when I was a kid. Playing pool together and her rooting for me to win.
Her, always rooting for me to win.
Those are the things I didn’t know I would miss. I only thought about the things I wouldn’t. You can never anticipate the loss.
My one friend asked, “How can anyone fill her shoes? How can anyone, when she was your biggest supporter? Your most faithful ride or die?” I understood what she was saying, but I thought about it and knew the answer. “You are right, there is no one person who can fill them. But that is why the Father gave me so many people to fill them. He gave me one to sew my clothes like she did because I can’t sew for the life of me (and have no desire to learn). He gave me another whom I have viewed as a mother figure for the last 12 years. He gave me sisters while my own refused to speak to me. And of course He became Father, when my own abandoned me at 2 years old.
But the truth is her shoes have been so great to fill and I have battled this last year with that fact. I didn’t know how her passing would affect me. I thought I could bounce back or be strong or pull myself up by the bootstraps like I had so many times before with different hard things.
Instead I have ran from the pain. I have self medicated. I have retreated in isolation instead of choosing to trust the One who has never let me down.
I have felt let down.
Anger has been a constant companion, but I know that is only a mask for the pain.
There have been so many days I have felt alone. Not just because I am single with no immediate family, but because His presence has been so far away.
I remember standing at the grave site, before they buried her. I stood at my grandmother’s grave for the first time since her passing. I never had a desire to go because I knew her spirit wasn’t there, but now, there is where I needed to remember. I stood there and wept and so many women stood over me. They held me and wept too. My loss was there loss. This was how He was now manifesting His presence. Through them.
It is now one year later and I didn’t grieve the way I would have liked to. I wanted to check off my checklist with my healing process. But some things are too great to be neatly categorized onto a list.
Today I will meet with the women who have been family to me. Being with them is life and love and comfort. We will have French-pressed coffee and share our hearts. I will have my first counseling appointment for the first time this year and I will take a road trip with a woman who has been relentlessly by my side these past 18 months.
We will meet other women, one blood related, one not, but both who love me dearly.
As difficult as this last season has been, I am grateful for the people. They avail themselves and restructure their lives just to be what I need.
They are love with skin on.
And even though the nature of our relationship has changed, E is there too. Being what I need him to be in this season. Rooting me on to heal.
I have to remind myself my mother chose to leave. She was sick and she didn’t want to put me through the experience of longsuffering as a caregiver that she went through. She also knew the people that I had in my life. That I would be ok because of them.
There are times that I am alone and that is apart of my story. But there are so many times where I don’t have to be. For that I am grateful.
And I know, that even though I can’t sense Him, feel Him, the way I used to, He is there.
Rooting me on.
And so is she.
It’s the New Year. And normally I would do a summary of the old year. I would reflect on all He had done and how He had moved and how far I had come. But I won’t do that this year. Not because He hadn’t moved and He hadn’t done and I hadn’t come. But because it still hurts.
When I think about this season I realize it is the pattern He has always used with me. A series of high-highs and low-lows. Except the lows were exceptionally low this time. And maybe, in some sense, the highs were exceptionally high. I guess it is a result of the advancement in the journey. The “greater levels” Church culture speaks of.
I ended 2018 on a “high” note. I spent 2 weeks in the Caribbean with a dear sister and friend. A woman who has been by my side for over 20 years. We are amazed at that fact by the way! She is the only one who “knew me then”, and I her. She was the one who stayed the longest when my mom moved on to glory and she was the one my mom loved the most. Growing up she didn’t have a close family and unbeknownst to me, mine became hers. My grandmother and mother invested in her immensely and I don’t doubt that the fruit of her accomplishments and successes will be distributed to their heavenly accounts.
As we traveled to Mexico and then Honduras and then Belize, I thought about these great women who came before us. They were the reason we could lay on white sandy beaches, swim in clear blue waters, ride on beautiful stallions and visit the Mayan Ruins. They were the reason we could live life so abundantly.
So often I think back on my childhood. I realize there is no one on this planet who will appreciate it as much as those two women. Who will “oooh” and “awww” over my baby pictures. Who will be more excited then me for my next birthday.
These are the lows.
I realize I must process it all in order to move forward. Healing can only come through truth. And the truth is, life is both. It is high and low. It is dark and light. And I don’t know if we really appreciate the light unless there is darkness.
After my cruise I met with a different sort of companion. We exchanged late Christmas gifts and made up for our time apart. We watched movies and had dates and went ice skating. It was clear the Father was giving me what I longed for, for so long. And on New Years Eve, I got my New Years’ kiss. Something I had never before experienced. Another high.
I was asked what I wanted in 2019. What was my goal? What did I want to accomplish? “Healing”, I said. Knowing it was not necessarily what I wanted, but what I needed.
“Healing and restoration”.
I have always been someone very sensitive to times and seasons. I was excited to see how the Father was working in my life in the earth. I enjoy seeing the purpose of numbers and calendars (both Hebraic and Gregorian), but time seemed to have stopped this past year. And maybe if it didn’t necessarily stop, it didn’t seem to matter as much.
Going into this new season I look forward to building my business. I have already received my first paycheck which overwhelms me with encouragement. I look forward to enjoying my loved ones and being grateful for those who are here to offer comfort and support in this journey. I truly don’t deserve the love they have demonstrated.
And I look forward to the moments I have with him. The man who treats me better than any man has ever treated me before.
The Father is full of surprises. He knows those hard things and though He doesn’t exempt us from them He offers support and strength as we walk through them. Through it all I know one thing is certain, He is there. And He cares.
I’ve always known I would one day start my own business. I just didn’t know when or even what it would be but it was something that stayed in the back of my mind as a “one day” thing. Then “one day came”. After my fourth season of unemployment and about 9 months of waiting, it came.
I’d like to say I “waited well” but the truth is I dragged my feet. I kicked and screamed. During the course of applying and interviewing and resume-updating, I resisted His nudging to move forward in creating an LLC. Until finally all of my options were none and I could no longer resist His nudge.
I took the steps but still in my heart wondered if He could really be leading me to do this thing full time? Certainly not! Everyone knows entrepreneurship takes a while to reap a profit when getting started! Clearly God knows this as well! So of course I need to be trying to find something to supplement this vision? But circumstances said otherwise…
During the time of my unemployment (before I got my first client) a dear friend of mine lost her mother. I was the only friend who could be there for her physically because a work schedule was not an issue. It was of course significant for me to be the one walking with her through a difficult time because I myself am still in recovery of my own difficult time. I was with her when I found out my client had hired me. We stood in the middle of the craft store and I cried tears of joy as she embraced me in her arms. It wasn’t until I received that offer did other offers from other companies come through. They came flooding in.
For several months the doors were closed. Now they were swinging open.
Initially I took an offer but realized it would take away from building my own business. I would actually be getting paid more working for myself and logically it made no sense to reduce the hours for my client. By faith, I declined it. And by faith I started building for my client a system that I hoped would meet her needs.
The beauty in not only seeing the fruit from this step of faith to be a small business owner is that my first client came through a woman who has had so much purpose in my life. First a blog follower, then a roommate, then a friend, and now a sister. Working side by side with her shows me the Father’s love and care.
His provision is consistent in every area.
I have struggled so much in my career and yet never have I went without. Often I have felt the “downtimes” were too long. The seasons of unemployment. The constant feelings of rejection when hearing “no” and facing closed doors. Even when knowing it is for the best, it still hurts. Now I can look back and see HIs perfect timing. 9 months living with my friend/now sister. 9 months living with the woman who loved me more than life itself. And 9 months of “rest” and recovery before my business began.
And I’m honored to be continuing the legacy of the women who made me who I am today in a field that was once my weakness and is now His strength.
I am grateful for ABN Bookkeeping LLC.