Tag Archive | recovery

High-Highs, Low-Lows

It’s the New Year.  And normally I would do a summary of the old year.  I would reflect on all He had done and how He had moved and how far I had come.  But I won’t do that this year.  Not because He hadn’t moved and He hadn’t done and I hadn’t come.  But because it still hurts.

When I think about this season I realize it is the pattern He has always used with me.  A series of high-highs and low-lows.  Except the lows were exceptionally low this time.  And maybe, in some sense, the highs were exceptionally high.  I guess it is a result of the advancement in the journey.  The “greater levels” Church culture speaks of.

I ended 2018 on a “high” note.  I spent 2 weeks in the Caribbean with a dear sister and friend.  A woman who has been by my side for over 20 years.  We are amazed at that fact by the way!  She is the only one who “knew me then”, and I her.  She was the one who stayed the longest when my mom moved on to glory and she was the one my mom loved the most.  Growing up she didn’t have a close family and unbeknownst to me, mine became hers.  My grandmother and mother invested in her immensely and I don’t doubt that the fruit of her accomplishments and successes will be distributed to their heavenly accounts.

As we traveled to Mexico and then Honduras and then Belize, I thought about these great women who came before us.  They were the reason we could lay on white sandy beaches, swim in clear blue waters, ride on beautiful stallions and visit the Mayan Ruins.  They were the reason we could live life so abundantly.

So often I think back on my childhood.  I realize there is no one on this planet who will appreciate it as much as those two women.  Who will “oooh” and “awww” over my baby pictures.  Who will be more excited then me for my next birthday.

These are the lows.

I realize I must process it all in order to move forward.  Healing can only come through truth.  And the truth is, life is both.  It is high and low.  It is dark and light.  And I don’t know if we really appreciate the light unless there is darkness.

After my cruise I met with a different sort of companion.  We exchanged late Christmas gifts and made up for our time apart.  We watched movies and had dates and went ice skating.  It was clear the Father was giving me what I longed for, for so long.  And on New Years Eve, I got my New Years’ kiss.  Something I had never before experienced.  Another high.

 

 

I was asked what I wanted in 2019.  What was my goal?  What did I want to accomplish?  “Healing”, I said.  Knowing it was not necessarily what I wanted, but what I needed.

“Healing and restoration”.

I have always been someone very sensitive to times and seasons.  I was excited to see how the Father was working in my life in the earth.  I enjoy seeing the purpose of numbers and calendars (both Hebraic and Gregorian), but time seemed to have stopped this past year.  And maybe if it didn’t necessarily stop, it didn’t seem to matter as much.

Going into this new season I look forward to building my business.  I have already received my first paycheck which overwhelms me with encouragement.  I look forward to enjoying my loved ones and being grateful for those who are here to offer comfort and support in this journey.  I truly don’t deserve the love they have demonstrated.

 

And I look forward to the moments I have with him.  The man who treats me better than any man has ever treated me before.

The Father is full of surprises.  He knows those hard things and though He doesn’t exempt us from them He offers support and strength as we walk through them.  Through it all I know one thing is certain, He is there.  And He cares.

SHALOM.

 

 

 

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Kingdom Business

I’ve always known I would one day start my own business.  I just didn’t know when or even what it would be but it was something that stayed in the back of my mind as a “one day” thing.  Then “one day came”.  After my fourth season of unemployment and about 9 months of waiting, it came.

I’d like to say I “waited well” but the truth is I dragged my feet.  I kicked and screamed.  During the course of applying and interviewing and resume-updating, I resisted His nudging to move forward in creating an LLC. Until finally all of my options were none and I could no longer resist His nudge.

I took the steps but still in my heart wondered if He could really be leading me to do this thing full time?  Certainly not!  Everyone knows entrepreneurship takes a while to reap a profit when getting started!  Clearly God knows this as well! So of course I need to be trying to find something to supplement this vision?  But circumstances said otherwise…

During the time of my unemployment (before I got my first client) a dear friend of mine lost her mother.  I was the only friend who could be there for her physically because a work schedule was not an issue.  It was of course significant for me to be the one walking with her through a difficult time because I myself am still in recovery of my own difficult time.  I was with her when I found out my client had hired me.  We stood in the middle of the craft store and I cried tears of joy as she embraced me in her arms.  It wasn’t until I received that offer did other offers from other companies come through.  They came flooding in.

For several months the doors were closed.  Now they were swinging open.

Initially I took an offer but realized it would take away from building my own business.  I would actually be getting paid more working for myself and logically it made no sense to reduce the hours for my client.  By faith, I declined it.  And by faith I started building for my client a system that I hoped would meet her needs.

The beauty in not only seeing the fruit from this step of faith to be a small business owner is that my first client came through a woman who has had so much purpose in my life.  First a blog follower, then a roommate, then a friend, and now a sister.  Working side by side with her shows me the Father’s love and care.

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His provision is consistent in every area.

I have struggled so much in my career and yet never have I went without.  Often I have felt the “downtimes” were too long.  The seasons of unemployment.  The constant feelings of rejection when hearing “no” and facing closed doors.  Even when knowing it is for the best, it still hurts.  Now I can look back and see HIs perfect timing.  9 months living with my friend/now sister.  9 months living with the woman who loved me more than life itself.  And 9 months of “rest” and recovery before my business began.

He cares.

And I’m honored to be continuing the legacy of the women who made me who I am today in a field that was once my weakness and is now His strength.

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I am grateful for ABN Bookkeeping LLC.

SHALOM

Busy Yet Waiting

It’s funny how you walk with God long enough and you start to notice patterns in your life.  Lots of my patterns have to do with waiting.  Often there will be a period of stretching, pressing, waiting and then a release.  In this season there are some new things happening.  The roommate is fully moved in and I have to marvel at how seamless that transition was.  One day she wasn’t there and then all of a sudden she was.  After 3 years.  That situation shows me how much He cares for us.  He knew I needed a period of recovery and He knew just how long that recovery period should be.

Other new stuff…open door after open door continue to lead the path before me with my book.  I’m excited to be a vendor this week at a popular poetry event happening.  God has given me so much favor, I simply don’t deserve it.  He’s been stirring up a desire in me to build my business.  I’ve been working, working, working, and I’m intrigued by what the final outcome will be.  There are so many resources coming to me.  I am surrounded by go getters and make-it-happeners.  No one in my inner circle is standing still.  I like those seasons.

But even in the busyness there is still down time.  There is still quiet.  I still feel stretched in some ways.  I’m still waiting in some ways.

I’m waiting to hear His voice again.  The way I used to.  I’m waiting to start a family, though I told my mom this weekend there won’t be any grandkids if I’m waiting in a few more years.  She and I have a differing of opinion on when it is too late to have children…

For now, my books are my babies.  I am pregnant with purpose and I don’t say that to be super spiritual.  It is simply a fact.  I feel much like Paul, poured out like a drink offering.  I know the sacrifices made were for the written word.  The projects I’m working on.  The people my story will help.

The roomie and I will have our first roommate outing tonight.  I look forward to it.

I look forward to each day these days.  To be home with a cup of tea and my laptop at my finger tips.  Everything is cozy and comforting and that helps the hurt I am still in recovery from.

Fun photo shoot 😉


SHALOM

 

Thoughts on a Thursday

There’s a woman’s blog I enjoy reading b/c she is a poet. In one of her posts she shared about serving so much at her church and being so drained from it. One of the leaders at the church told her that “Of course you are drained, you are a poet.” As a poet she was not made to continuously overextend herself. She needed to make sure she was getting ample alone time to replenish and pour back out. While I am not a poet, I am realizing that I am sensitive by nature. I have known this for a while but am now understanding that this sensitive nature requires me to have certain things in my life to function. While my tendency to be more introverted does require down time to replenish, my sensitivity to feelings and moods of others also requires downtime. Without me realizing it I will pick up on others’ feelings and take them on as my own. This is actually connected to my gift of intercession but like with all gifts has been affected by the fall of man. As I’m maturing I’m learning to separate other people’s personhoods from my own. I’m learning boundaries. But still, I’m sure the lines are blurred during times I am unaware. I was able to sit this morning in God’s presence and just BE. I realized during that time how much I needed that. I suspect I need that daily. No noise, no distraction, just Him. Connecting with Him Spirit to spirit and Presence to presence.  
There is a constant anger I battle daily and I suspect if I am intentional to meet with Him consistently and calm my spirit, this anger will dissipate. I understand the anger stems from fear and the fear stems from a lack of love which was created through wounds. The anger and fear are the symptoms of my need for healing. I got to a place where I felt that I had come as far as I could go in my personal healing. I knew I needed outside assistance and as I was having those thoughts I received 3 methods of confirmation. I then made my first appointment for a counseling session. I am looking forward to it and probably unlike others do not feel embarrassed or ashamed to receive professional counseling. God has taught me how vital the gift of counseling is and I think everyone needs to take advantage of its benefits. One of my greatest desires in this season is to grow in the ability to receive love. I hear Holy Spirit tell me I have nothing to be afraid of yet fear has been a constant “go to” and as crazy as it sounds there is a fear of letting fear go.  

Years ago I received a word that God loved my tender heart. That was affirming because years before that I was told I was “too sensitive”. It’s so important for family members to affirm their children. It’s important to see the gifts and qualities they have uniquely been given to expand the kingdom of God. Our gifts need to be cultivated, valued and protected. We need to understand how we are wired so that we can flourish.  

I also understand I am still transitioning and there is going to be a higher level of sensitivity in this season of recovery than is normal for me. I’m encouraged to know that the Father is intimately acquainted with all of my ways. He has provided me with all of the resources and tools needed to reflect His intention regarding me. He is faithful and committed to completing His work in each one of us.

SHALOM