It’s funny how you walk with God long enough and you start to notice patterns in your life. Lots of my patterns have to do with waiting. Often there will be a period of stretching, pressing, waiting and then a release. In this season there are some new things happening. The roommate is fully moved in and I have to marvel at how seamless that transition was. One day she wasn’t there and then all of a sudden she was. After 3 years. That situation shows me how much He cares for us. He knew I needed a period of recovery and He knew just how long that recovery period should be.
Other new stuff…open door after open door continue to lead the path before me with my book. I’m excited to be a vendor this week at a popular poetry event happening. God has given me so much favor, I simply don’t deserve it. He’s been stirring up a desire in me to build my business. I’ve been working, working, working, and I’m intrigued by what the final outcome will be. There are so many resources coming to me. I am surrounded by go getters and make-it-happeners. No one in my inner circle is standing still. I like those seasons.
But even in the busyness there is still down time. There is still quiet. I still feel stretched in some ways. I’m still waiting in some ways.
I’m waiting to hear His voice again. The way I used to. I’m waiting to start a family, though I told my mom this weekend there won’t be any grandkids if I’m waiting in a few more years. She and I have a differing of opinion on when it is too late to have children…
For now, my books are my babies. I am pregnant with purpose and I don’t say that to be super spiritual. It is simply a fact. I feel much like Paul, poured out like a drink offering. I know the sacrifices made were for the written word. The projects I’m working on. The people my story will help.
The roomie and I will have our first roommate outing tonight. I look forward to it.
I look forward to each day these days. To be home with a cup of tea and my laptop at my finger tips. Everything is cozy and comforting and that helps the hurt I am still in recovery from.
There’s a woman’s blog I enjoy reading b/c she is a poet. In one of her posts she shared about serving so much at her church and being so drained from it. One of the leaders at the church told her that “Of course you are drained, you are a poet.” As a poet she was not made to continuously overextend herself. She needed to make sure she was getting ample alone time to replenish and pour back out. While I am not a poet, I am realizing that I am sensitive by nature. I have known this for a while but am now understanding that this sensitive nature requires me to have certain things in my life to function. While my tendency to be more introverted does require down time to replenish, my sensitivity to feelings and moods of others also requires downtime. Without me realizing it I will pick up on others’ feelings and take them on as my own. This is actually connected to my gift of intercession but like with all gifts has been affected by the fall of man. As I’m maturing I’m learning to separate other people’s personhoods from my own. I’m learning boundaries. But still, I’m sure the lines are blurred during times I am unaware. I was able to sit this morning in God’s presence and just BE. I realized during that time how much I needed that. I suspect I need that daily. No noise, no distraction, just Him. Connecting with Him Spirit to spirit and Presence to presence.
There is a constant anger I battle daily and I suspect if I am intentional to meet with Him consistently and calm my spirit, this anger will dissipate. I understand the anger stems from fear and the fear stems from a lack of love which was created through wounds. The anger and fear are the symptoms of my need for healing. I got to a place where I felt that I had come as far as I could go in my personal healing. I knew I needed outside assistance and as I was having those thoughts I received 3 methods of confirmation. I then made my first appointment for a counseling session. I am looking forward to it and probably unlike others do not feel embarrassed or ashamed to receive professional counseling. God has taught me how vital the gift of counseling is and I think everyone needs to take advantage of its benefits. One of my greatest desires in this season is to grow in the ability to receive love. I hear Holy Spirit tell me I have nothing to be afraid of yet fear has been a constant “go to” and as crazy as it sounds there is a fear of letting fear go.
Years ago I received a word that God loved my tender heart. That was affirming because years before that I was told I was “too sensitive”. It’s so important for family members to affirm their children. It’s important to see the gifts and qualities they have uniquely been given to expand the kingdom of God. Our gifts need to be cultivated, valued and protected. We need to understand how we are wired so that we can flourish.
I also understand I am still transitioning and there is going to be a higher level of sensitivity in this season of recovery than is normal for me. I’m encouraged to know that the Father is intimately acquainted with all of my ways. He has provided me with all of the resources and tools needed to reflect His intention regarding me. He is faithful and committed to completing His work in each one of us.