There have been a lot of changes for me this year. I posted a collage of pictures from the summer with the title: “What a great summer!” My friend/old roommate commented, “Was it really a great summer?!” 😳 She reminded me that we moved out of our old home this summer and we submitted to the move, both resigned 😑 . “Oh yea, I forgot about that,” I said, but went on to explain that I was only thinking about the highlights.
Contentment is a difficult thing to practice and I have had my bouts with it. God has put me through certain spiritual obstacle courses to develop me in this area but it seems like my humanity continues to oppose that particular fruit of the Spirit. It takes some real effort to focus on the positive when the negative is still present. I think even though social media can be abused/misused it does allow for us to celebrate the positives and the highlights of life. I can honestly say that even though I find this season very difficult with its changes (and with its lack of change), God has given me many desires of my heart.
And even when I have thwarted his gifts and misused his presents He replaced them with more gifts. More presents. The love He demonstrates is a love I do not understand. I simply can’t fathom His mercyand graceand lovebut I have glimpsed it so much in this season that I feel I’m gaining some knowledge.
This weekend I’ll get to promote the books He gave me. Writings that show how He used very difficult times and made purpose out of them. I’ll also get to visit with some dear sisters who I have been on this journey with for 15 years now. I’ll have more opportunities to experience His love and goodness in the form of community and social events. These are things I have desired but did not know that He would so frequently lavish them upon me.
Even in the midst of heartbreak, pain, and suffering, there is His hand. Leading me and guiding me and ordering steps that have been difficult to take. My own testimony shows His faithfulness and how when we are weak, truly He is strong.
I remember last year I was invited to an open mic night by a friend. When I arrived I was asked if I was performing. I’m sure I looked like a poet, with my retro hair and high waist pants (I love vintage style) but I let the woman down easy. “Nope,” I said with conviction, “I’m not a poet!” I made my entrance and met my friends. After a few acts in the show I realized that much of the content people were sharing was anything but truth and light. I grieved for my generation, praying for the Father to send someone up there with truth! That’s when I knew. It was me.
“What’s in your hand?” He said to my heart and I was reminded of Moses. Well all I had was my first book on my kindle app. My phone’s battery had been dying at the time and I didn’t even think the phone would last long enough for me to read from the first chapter. But my friend gave me a charger and I courageously took the stage. I read and felt the anointing and knew that though on the surface I was sharing about overcoming heartbreaking, in the Spirit I was releasing light, truth and hope.
I shared that experience with my (very prophetic) fellowship and one woman wrote on a pad, “Nicole, the poet”. We talked about becoming all things to all men. I tucked that little nugget in the back of my mind not thinking anything of it.
Fast forward about 6 months and I find myself signed up for a poetry workshop, writing short stories with poets in them and receiving a loud round of applause from experienced poets who heard my first poem. I was shocked to find that my writing was not just confined to non fiction, but apparently…I was a poet.
I had my first poetry slam this weekend and shared the pieces He had given me. Poetry has been a great way to express deep pain as well as deep desires. Writing has been a vehicle to reveal the hidden things in my heart. Funny thing is all of my short stories have manifested in multiple ways. I actually keep meeting people in real life who have the same name and descriptions as my characters! It’s been cool to see the Father confirm His hand in my writing in this way.
I want to encourage you not to limit yourself. Don’t think because you haven’t done something yet or walked in something it is not meant to be. Be open to how the Father wants to use you, your gifts, and all that He has put in you.
He is the Maker. You are the clay. And your story is still being revealed…