This weekend I had a hot date. With my mom that is. We played pool and had drinks and had fun. She won 2 out of 3 games but the fact that I even won 1 and came really close to winning another is impressive. She’s a pretty good player and I, on the other hand, am not 🙄🙄. But even though I’m not the best pool player that did not keep her from rooting for her baby girl😊. I marveled at her heart for me. She wanted me to win even if it was at the sake of her losing. That is the heart of a parent. A good parent that is…
In my Healing the Father Wound class someone shared a word of wisdom I marinated on. She said that parents are just adults who do not have it together. So true. As children we want them to have it together. Even as adult children. But who can say that they have perfect parents? No one.
I was so blessed by my mom’s heart to be “for me” and the fact that she would want me to do better than she did. The Father looks at the heart.
I’m grateful to have a mother with a good heart.
And there are so many around me with good hearts. There are so many who are “for me”. In this difficult season of waiting many continue to reach out. I know it is really the Father’s hand reaching out through each one.
Still, often He has seemed so distant, like an onlooker objectively observing. But then I think of my mom and feel His love for me. The kind of love that causes you to want your child to do better than you did. And whatever the sacrifice, whatever the cost, is worth it.
I remember years ago a dream I had. The details are fuzzy but what stands out to me is that I was in trouble and a dear family member came out of nowhere to rescue me. The interesting thing about it was that she was in a wheelchair when she did it! She literally flew out of the air in a wheelchair and came to save me! The message to me was that this person deeply cared for me and would allow no obstacle to hinder her from getting to me in my time of need.
The issue with the dream is that I felt the exact opposite in real life about our relationship and there always seemed to be a battle between us. Isn’t it interesting how God sees one thing and it looks totally opposite in real life? He sees the end from the beginning and as an intercessor, I have been taught that His heart is to manifest heaven in the earth.
I believe in heaven everything is perfect and that includes our relationships. There is no offense or hurt or sorrow. We have perfect relationships with everyone.
At the turn of the year the Father started moving rapidly in the area of this relationship. I had given up. I was so deeply hurt and wounded I did not believe it could be repaired. I was wrong. Not only did He repair it but He did it quickly! Decades of pain were healed in one conversation!
I accredit my loved one with her heart of repentance. Sometimes we have hurtful tendencies but that does not mean we intend to hurt. It just means we are broken.
It is beautiful to watch so many years of intercession being rewarded. To see the unfolding of a flower that has withstood so many wars.
It is a new season between us and I do not take this experience for granted. The weight has been lifted from my heart and I am grateful for it. Sometimes we can carry pain for so long that we do not even know it is there until it is removed.
Thank You Father for removing my pain and giving me a deep desire of my heart.
In just 2 months I’ll be moving back in with my mom.Whew.To say that I am shocked by this prospect is an understatement.The shock is probably only slightly overshadowed by my pushing my mid 30s and life looking exactly the opposite of what I pictured.But I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in this.My roomie has the same shock and she is 6 years my junior.My besties have the same shock and we are all the same age.
This weekend I drove around the new neighborhood which is not too far from the old one.I talked to old friends I have reconnected with in this season.So much of the new resembles the old.It’s weird.
I am reminded of a revelation God gave me a few years ago after a big test.He said my life was like a helix.It wasn’t that I was walking in circles over and over the way I felt I was.Instead, I was moving forward in a circular motion.It seems living with my mom again is a part of that same pattern.No matter how hard I tried to make choices that would position me in a certain place at this point in my life (husband, 2.5 kids and dog), I still ended up here.Back to the beginning.
We went to church for Easter (mom and I).I know this is a new beginning for her and I’m blessed to be a part of it, I just wish it hadn’t cost me so much.
On Easter I was reminded of why it costs.It costs us because it cost Him.We are not above the teacher.We are not above our Master.If He sacrificed, we too shall sacrifice.
My roommate gave me a card on Easter which read, “Nicole, just as Christ died and resurrected, I look forward to seeing the resurrection in your life”.That is what I too am desiring.To see the resurrection from all the death.To see the fruit from all the pruning.To see if the wait was really worth it…
The mother and daughter sat across from each other in the small diner. Both adults but as with every child-parent relationship the child is still the child to the parent–no matter how old they get. The daughter took a sip of her latte and typed feverishly at her keyboard. She had brought her laptop so both could handle some unfinished business. The mother took her turn typing (although a little more slowly and a little less confidently) and was pleased with the outcome. They discussed their future plans to move in together. They compared the properties they had looked at; some good, some not. The deadline for moving was drawing to a close and both were walking by faith. The daughter had been down this path many times so panic had not yet kicked in. It would take a little longer for that to happen, if it did at all. Though their meeting was about the future they reflected on the now.
“Can you believe I’m this old?” the daughter said. The mother responded in equal amazement, “No. It’s crazy! I remember when you were in the womb…” and then as was their custom she reminisced about that time of pregnancy 30+ years ago. Her eyes glazed over and she held a far off daze. There were family members who had passed and many who were distant. “I never thought I would lose my whole immediate family”, the mother said. “Well, you have me” I replied. We sat in silence for a moment. It was just us. I never wanted it to be that way. I always wanted a family. I told her just as much that day. I told her how grateful I was for a spiritual family, these spiritual sisters that keep multiplying, but how I still desired blood relatives. “I wanted that for you too” she said.
I ran into a brother that day and teased him about being alone. He explained his wife and children were at a party and he had just gotten off his 2nd job. I was reminded of how different our lives were–his full with mouths to feed–my mouth sipping a latte. It’s easy to covet what one doesn’t have, to see the gift each season holds. Still, some seasons last too long…I told him about a writer’s class that I’m enjoying. “It’s finishing up soon but I’ll keep you in mind for the next one!” “Please do!” he said. Then I teased him about not having room in his schedule. He assured me he will make room. Funny, even with all the things I have going on in this season, I always seem to have room…
For the first time in my life I literally feel “older”. I’ve been thinking about the past and wondering about the future. I don’t have any goals set or big ticket items to check off my checklist. There are responsibilities to carry out and finances to build. There are a few trips I want to take and people I want to see. But no goals.
I think reality is setting in. Maybe that’s what happens in your mid 30’s. You realize though you have much ahead you have a good chunk that is behind and for the first time I have found myself second guessing past choices. My dad assured me on my birthday I had made the right choices. Then why do I not have what I want? I thought to myself. I wrestled with that question for a while.
I’m still wrestling.
The past cannot be changed, only our present. Our now choices will create our future. And as I told my friend last night, all we can do is walk in the light and understanding that we have today. I believe we are only held accountable for that much.
This week was full of both rest and fun. Rest because I had 5 days off work (3 of those PTO) and fun because many days were spent with really good people. For Thanksgiving my mom and I went out to eat. Normally one of us cooks (usually her) but this time she wanted something different. After dinner we treated ourselves to a movie and then met her friends for bowling. It was a full day and I was thoroughly stuffed. Then Friday I had some alone time. I went shopping on Black Friday at my favorite mall and marveled at the crowds. Still, it was nice to be around so many yet be “alone”. What can I say, it is the introvert in me that appreciates such an occurrence…Later on I relaxed with a 90s flick, only to meet up with a good friend for a latte at Starbucks. I enjoyed a grande and even a chocolate chip muffin. Then Sunday my friend and I made our way to the Browns’ game. I will admit I have lived here over 10 years and have never been to a game! Lucky me the tickets were free, the weather was nice and our seats were phenomenal. It hardly mattered we didn’t win. We had fun anyway…
But even in the midst of all these blessings I would be dishonest to say this holiday was not without its own difficulties. The lack of family was evident for me while watching my mom’s friend’s daughter and her fiancé interact. I glanced at her ring once or twice and stuffed down the never-ending longings…There were moments I was home alone when I really didn’t want to be. Instead I wanted people, I wanted companionship, I wanted love. But as I told my friend last night on the phone, even with all the people who do love me, they will still choose family over friendship. It is natural. God does set the lonely in families, but I often wonder, when will He not need to? When will I have my own?…
The holidays are here and they are festive. They are a mixture of fun and rest. They are a mixture of enjoyment and lonelineness. That is life. The movie my mom and I saw had a character who was facing a divorce. She was freaking out and said “What will I do now?” My mom replied at the large screen in front of us, “Keep living”. She was right.
One thing I have learned in this season is the importance of resilience and the ability to keep moving forward. Someone near you dies? You keep living. You lose your job? Keep living. Depression hits? Keep living.
It has been a year where I have practiced this concept to “keep living”. It has been the fastest year of my life. There were nights I didn’t think I would get through, but I am here. And you are too. And that means there is a hope for the future.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Hi guys! Check out my guest post “This Is Us” on authorofmyfaith.com! This is my first guest post on Afi’s site and I’m so honored to have this opportunity! I met her through a fellow blogger and mutual friend.
The connections writing has created has been overwhelming in the BEST way!
This weekend one of my besties asked me along for a road trip. I of course said, “yes!” And off we went to Indiana to visit her fam. It has been go go go non stop full of extroverts and activities. Definitely an energy remover for this introvert but still enjoyable 😉.
Seeing her with her fam made me acutely aware of my own desire for family. That area of life has been a source of pain. At one point one very important woman made up the wholeness of family for me but then that season ended–10 years ago to be exact. She went to “be with the Lord” and though the teaching I’m under has helped me understand she still surrounds me along with the cloud of witnesses (Hebrews 11) most times that understanding isn’t enough.
Today is her birthday. If she were here we would rejoice about all the blessings I have as a result of her sacrifices. We would talk about the spiritual revelations we were having. How God was moving and all that He had done. This time I’d take her out for dinner because now I’m the adult and can do such things. We would talk about my love life and the waiting in it. She would tell me she was praying for the right person to come along and to trust God. She would look at me lovingly, beaming with pride.
Even though I don’t have her here in the natural to do those things, I have her daughter. Her daughter is just as proud if not more. She made just as many sacrifices so that I could have better opportunities. She loves me just as much.
These women have been the reason I am where I am today. And what they could not do in and of themselves God did through them. And when there was no man to help He became that man. He became all that I needed. He stepped in and filled the lack.
Now I am lacking nothing. Sometimes its easier to say those words than others but all the time they are still true.
Happy birthday to my dear grandmother who is cheering me on as I run this race of eternity. As I fight the good fight, carry my cross and head towards the finish line. She left such an example of how to win this race.