“Who has believed our report? And to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed? For He shall grow up before Him as a tender plant, And as a root out of dry ground. He has no form or comeliness; And when we see Him, There is no beauty that we should desire Him. He is despised and rejected by men, A Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. And we hid, as it were, our faces from Him; He was despised, and we did not esteem Him.”
Isaiah 53:1-3 NKJV
I am reminded of this passage as I count down the days. 7 more til I am released. I am comforted to know that they also did not see my Savior for who He was. He was a Healer and yet they called him a demon. He was kind and they returned his kindness with persecution. If He is our Master how can we expect to be treated any differently?
I am comforted but my heart still hearts. To have poured out so much, given so much, and to still be passed by…but His response through me is to honor. Honor like David honored Saul. The very man who loved him and had taken him in, eventually sought to end his life.
If God is for us who can be against us?
I believe God uses trials to shape us into His image. I believe we can grow and be Him in the earth.
Still, my heart is tender. I must move slowly in my demonstration of His character. 7 more days and I will once again be in a transition. This time I have no expectation.
Just one day at a time.
He will open a door in His timing. And it will be purposeful. It may not be the reward everyone keeps hoping for me, but it will be purposeful just the same.
Have you ever interacted with someone who just doesn’t see you? Your gifts, your talents, your beauty? No matter how hard you try they are blind to the greatness that is “you”. I found myself in that position recently. And what made it worse (actually there were a lot of things that made it worse but I’ll address just this one thing) was that I kept seeing myself through their lense. And because I saw myself through their lense I became a lesser version of myself. Sigh.
This lesser version was insecure and needy and very unattractive. I was sincerely surprised at my own conduct and tried several times to pull it together and yet was unsuccessful. What is goin on with me? I thought. Why am I acting this way.
In hindsight I still have a lot of processing to do but the one revelation I do have is “not everyone will see you”. Not everyone will see you because they are not called to. Christ walked the earth, God in the flesh, and there were so many who allowed God to walk right by them without even so much as a glance. What a missed opportunity for them! But they did not have eyes to see.
Those in my life who see me are “my people”. They affirm, encourage and love unconditionally. They do not define me by my flaws but by my position. My position in Him.
Its ok if there are some who are not your people. There are plenty who are. And as we stay on the path and move forward we will meet them. I have met one particular young lady through this here blog, and now in just one week she will be moving in with me! I never could have foresaw those events but God has great surprises on His path for us.
Those who are called to us, those who deserve the title of being “our people”, they have demonstrated His love and grace which in turn brings out our very best. It is a cycle when this happens, but a very good one.
I did not get the job I applied for. I kind of knew that would happen but it’s still a letdown. Even applying for it tugged on so many heart strings. This journey of surrender and waiting never gets easy. When I was told there was another more qualified candidate I did a quick debate in my head. Should I fight for it? Should I believe in myself, interview and list all of the great reasons why I could do the position? Instead I chose to view it as “not the right fit” and continue on the current path I’m walking.
My mom asked recently if I had applied for the job she had suggested for me. I had honestly forgotten about it. It’s out of state and I don’t feel called to relocate. It’s difficult explaining to others how practical things in life actually pertain to a calling. I can’t just get up and leave just b/c I want to. There aren’t very many things I can do just because I want to. My natural tendency would be to bottle up my disappointment, stuff it down, and keep moving forward. I would not have written a blog about it. I would not have written about it at all. But I’m learning the “buck up” attitude is linked to perfectionism and type-A-ism and so many other isms that keep me from walking in grace. Instead I’m putting it out there. I’m writing on social media and I’m letting you, my faithful readers know. I’m disappointed. Not necessarily because I feel like this job was a perfect fit b/c that is not the case. But because it never feels good to have a door close even if there’s a better one that will one day open.
I got to spend the weekend with loved ones doing something new. We visited Disney World and saw so many of the highlights you hear about in advertisements and media. There was one highlight though we did not get to see b/c we were too late to see it. I was disappointed. We all were. But in that moment I knew, it is not about being disappointed, that is inevitable in life. It is about how we respond to disappointments. And I think we all responded well, choosing to enjoy our remaining time together, rather than sulk about the missed event.
My friend told me I was resilient. That was something I always wanted to be. People who can bounce back from adversity and keep moving forward have a special place in my heart. I always wanted to be that type of person. But I’m learning, it is not my resilience, it is His. It is not my strength it is His. So I’ll let myself be disappointed, so I can rely on His strength instead of my own to keep moving forward.