It will be 3 months this week since I got “the news”. I found myself today thinking about my dwindling time period of locking something in so that I don’t have a gap in pay. I found myself driving to Panera so that I could use the internet and apply for more jobs. I’m sitting at Panera now. Right by the fire with a cup of Hazel Nut coffee and Taylor Swift in my ear buds. But after about 2 applications I gave in to what my heart really wanted to do: I started writing.
In my writing I verbalized what the Spirit of the Lord was stirring in my heart: I don’t need to look for a job, it will come to me.
It will come to me the way it always has in my career. The door will open by a supernatural hand the way it has always opened. The real work isn’t in getting my degrees or work experience or applying (though I have done all those things). The real work is my obedience. I wrestled with my frustration with this path of waiting.
“Why can’t I just have a smooth transition Jesus?!” I thought. “Why can’t I just be BLESSED?”. But I am blessed, that’s the thing. The truth is I was wrestling with the desire to be blessed the WAY I wanted to be blessed.
I was wrestling with control.
While writing I understood that the Father has me on this path because He is teaching me to walk by the spirit. He does not want me to get comfortable in this life. He does not want me to go about a natural way of functioning like others do. It is because of my calling to break the strongholds and release this generation from darkness. But first I myself must walk out of the darkness.
Yesterday I had the honor of speaking on my book. I stood at the podium in front of 30+ woman sharing on my story and how God met me and how I overcame. I encouraged them that they too can overcome. I did not “feel” the words I said. I did not “feel” Him in the way I have so many times, but I spoke those words by faith. I knew that they were true and I’m learning to not let my feelings lead me.
So even though I’m “waiting” for an open door, there are other open doors that I am walking through. Doors that were not on my radar.
I shared my testimony last night with my new friend. I told her how I had different plans for my life and how at every turn I was asked to give up those plans. At the time it caused me great pain. I could not see what God was protecting me from. I only saw what I was giving up. I only saw that I was standing still while so many of my peers were moving along, checking off their checklist of societies’ “most achieved”. What was I achieving? It did not seem to be much at the time but now looking back on the journey I can see my riches were being stored up in heaven.
Because I did not understand God’s ways and why I had to keep surrendering it distorted my view of who He was/is. I did not believe that He was good or He was for me or He was love, even if I said I did. I loved Him, but I did not trust Him. He of course knew this so He set about presenting various tests to buld my trust. We cannot have a tesimony without a test.
I have had several tests and I can see the progression in them; they keep getting harder and harder. I believe that is because there is more at stake and a greater harvest to be had. Just as I can look back at these tests I can look back and see the rewards. I can see now what I could not see then: God is good.
He is a good Father working all for the good. He loves to give good gifts to His children but He wants to make sure you can be entrusted with the gift first. The more valueable the gift, the more you need to mature to receive it. Just as a parent would not give a toddler an expensive glass vase to hold, God would not entrust us with His prized jewels, until we are trustworthy. We prove we are trustworthy when we pass His tests.
He always gives us grace to pass. He does not ask us to do anything we can’t do. We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.
I’m glad to finally be able to see, God is good.
He is for me.
And He is love.
Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.
“Trust in the Lord and do good, dwell in the land and feed on His faithfulness”
Happy Rosh Hashanah!! Well I’m a little late since technically Rosh Hashanah ended Tuesday but I wanted to at least address this holiday as God has spoken so much to me this last year about the importance of knowing His times and seasons. For the uniformed Rosh Hashanah is a Jewish holiday celebrating the beginning of a new year. While western culture tells time by the sun, Jewish culture tells time by the moon. God showed me how as a result of our time system, in western culture we can miss His appointed seasons of blessings simply b/c we are operating on a different time system than He originally intended.
The most interesting thing happened to me a few days ago. It was on my heart to reach out to my brother who is a Messianic Jew and see if he was “hearing” anything in regards to this new season. Just as I was sending him a message on FB I received another social media notification from a minister I follow about Rosh Hashanah. The minister shared about knowing God’s times and seasons and fasting for 10 days during this new season to hear what God is saying. Crazy. And that stuff has been happening a lot recently where I get INSTANT confirmation from Jesus. It’s like He stalks us or something 😁. Anyways, I chose to fast from negative thoughts and even as I was entertaining this idea I was thinking, “There’s no way I can do that”. I know. I know. Pretty negative. And then I was reminded that “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”. So I’m on Day 3 and it is definitely a CHALLENGE. I really struggle with anxiety and fear and so that has been the battle. BUT at least the fast is helping me to be more aware of my thoughts and helps me not to indulge in them like I normally would. I also know from experience I have received the biggest break-throughs during “unorthodox” types of fasts. Basically when I fast from things other than food, especially unhealthy relationships. So I’m looking forward to any insights/revelations on this fast for that reason.
I have been feeling God’s presence a lot the last few days and I know its b/c He cares so deeply for His children. He has moved so much in this last season I can’t even imagine what things He has in store for the next. There is movement happening on the job as well, though it is not the movement I would have wanted. But I know the changes in the dept. are even a reflection of the change in seasons. I feel God was touching on my international call in the last season and even slipped in my trip to Haiti at the last second to confirm it. We will see if there are any other open doors in this upcoming season internationally. I know I have some financial goals I want to meet. Other than that, I am an open book. I’m learning to hold this life loosely and hold my goals/desires just as loosely. I’m learning to trust Him even when I don’t agree or it doesn’t look the way I would want. It seems I am always learning that lesson.
Blessings to you in this new season of life! May He reveal Himself in deeper ways as you continue moving forward in His purposes for you.
This morning on the drive into work I was reminded by Holy Spirit how important relationship is to Him. He is all about it. That is difficult for me b/c I am all about the formula. Without me realizing it I fall into the formula. A + B = C. It gets tricky b/c the formula is a works-based approach to life. If I do this then I get this. If I do that than I get that. But that is not how God is. He is relationship. That means the goal is really to engage with Him in this life experience and out of that engaging we bear fruit. Often I drift away from the engaging and I start thinking the blessings are coming b/c of my works. Though I do believe in the principle of sowing and reaping, I know there is a fine line. I love to accumulate knowledge. I love to learn. But with an increase in knowledge comes with it the danger of pride. On the contrary relationship heals and offers love. Love covers a multitude of sins. Over and over again. That is the beauty in relationship.
I am reminded that before the world began I was called. That means in spite of all of my weaknesses and issues He chose me. I did not choose Him. Pride leads me into thinking I chose Him. Pride leads me into believing that somehow I can earn my way into the calling He has on my life. Until I fall. And realize the burden must be on Him to complete that work He started in me. He gets glory in my weakness and makes it His strength.
There are so many blessings in my life in this season. This year He has done exceedingly, abundantly above all I could ask or think. He has given me the desires of my heart. He has kept me. He has made His heart known toward me on a daily basis. He has hedged me in. And even though I have a record of His faithfulness in my life to look back on, anxiety brings torment.
I trust Him that in this relationship He will bring victory over torment as He has done so many times in the past. Maybe it will take a while. Like so many other things have taken a while. But I’m sure it will come.
A formula cannot possibly be applicable to this life journey with Him when we are all so different. What works for one cannot work for another. No one else has my personality and life experience or world outlook. No one else relates to the Father in exactly the way I do. And no one else can speak into me or my calling accurately unless the Holy Spirit gives that person insight into me and His plans for me. Instead the Potter who is intimately acquainted with all of our ways tailor makes the journey to fit His intended end in each of us. If nothing else gives us security, that should.
The Potter molding and shaping and teaching.
The One who knows us best leading us.
(Psalm 23) “He makes me to lie down in green pastures. He leads me besides the still waters…”