As previously mentioned, I had the honor of witnessing one of my BFF’s get married last week. From the venue, to the meal, to their attire, everything was a dream. I would even say, a fairy tale. It’s not often that you get to witness true love in real life. I became very aware of this fact in my own single state. I have so much love in my life and so many different kinds, but I do not have a romantic love, and I haven’t for quite some time. Sure, there have been many high emotions and attachments and great moments that dating has brought, but I have not been “in love” in over a decade.
During the celebration of love last week, as you can guess, my own love life became a topic of conversation more times than I cared to discuss. I understood this was going to be a given, and something I would just need to “bear through”, so I navigated the questions as best I could.
“Are you dating? What are you looking for? You’re so attractive, why aren’t you seeing anyone?”, etc…etc… Even when the question wasn’t asked out loud, it loomed in their eyes as they pondered my single status in confusion. I mean, it’s a wedding after all, so of course the topic of love is going to be at the forefront. I guess the issue, is that when you’ve walked out this journey for as long as I have (and several of my friends have) you get weary from having to explain yourself. You get weary of the wait.
A long time ago, I reasoned that my waiting was a time for healing, maturing and learning my identity. I understood that some people are called to do this work with a partner in their marriage, however, I was called to do it beforehand. In all honesty, I feel that at this point in my life story, those things that God wanted to work out in me in my youth, He has done. I feel that the level of healing, maturity and understanding of purpose and identity have been reached. And that causes my own eyes to tear up with questions.
Why am I waiting?
Lately the word Partner has been brewing in my heart. I have been thinking more and more about Adam in the garden, and the Father seeing that, “It is not good for man to be alone”. To which His answer was to create a help-mate for him. A partner. An equal. God’s response to this aloneness was not community. It was not earthly parents. It was not a job. Or a social life. Or even a pet! No. It was a woman. And that has been it’s own revelation to me because I have received all of the former items I mentioned, yet they have not been the answer to this ache. Not the final one anyway.
More and more I am becoming aware of the original intent for us to be in pairs. All of the animals in the garden were in pairs. How odd for someone to walk the earth as a single for any amount of an extended period of time, when they were meant to be in a pair?
Why are we waiting?
Is it that we outnumber Black men, Christian men, or men in general? Is it that our ancestors made poor choices in the lane of love and now we are paying the consequences? Is it that our spouses made other choices and their free will is now our hindrance?
Whether the answer is none of the above, or all of them, I believe that after “the fall of man”, things got janky. The world was turned upside down, and the original intent of the Father was now perpetually tainted with the freewill of man. Now we have singles.
Now men are alone.
I was told that my husband was coming. I was told that they would pray for me. I understood their intent was to encourage, but I also felt like I was being told that something was wrong with me. That I was not ok all by myself. And on some level, I guess that is true.
It is not good for man to be alone.
I have no answers, only that I am called to wait. Only that God has given me every single desire that has ever been planted in my heart after a time of waiting. I cannot deny His faithfulness, His care, or His love. I cannot deny that He has manifested His provision in so many areas of my life. I know that He is faithful and that is what I must stand on. Still, others do not understand it. And so much of the time, neither do I.
I got through the questions and confused glances as best I could. I served and celebrated and navigated the uncomfortable moments that threatened to cause more pain. I did it because there was grace to.
He has always provided me with grace. Similar to Paul who cried out for God to remove the thorn, He has never removed this thorn, only provided grace for it. And so we wait.
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