This weekend one of my besties asked me along for a road trip. I of course said, “yes!” And off we went to Indiana to visit her fam. It has been go go go non stop full of extroverts and activities. Definitely an energy remover for this introvert but still enjoyable 😉.
Seeing her with her fam made me acutely aware of my own desire for family. That area of life has been a source of pain. At one point one very important woman made up the wholeness of family for me but then that season ended–10 years ago to be exact. She went to “be with the Lord” and though the teaching I’m under has helped me understand she still surrounds me along with the cloud of witnesses (Hebrews 11) most times that understanding isn’t enough.
Today is her birthday. If she were here we would rejoice about all the blessings I have as a result of her sacrifices. We would talk about the spiritual revelations we were having. How God was moving and all that He had done. This time I’d take her out for dinner because now I’m the adult and can do such things. We would talk about my love life and the waiting in it. She would tell me she was praying for the right person to come along and to trust God. She would look at me lovingly, beaming with pride.
Even though I don’t have her here in the natural to do those things, I have her daughter. Her daughter is just as proud if not more. She made just as many sacrifices so that I could have better opportunities. She loves me just as much.
These women have been the reason I am where I am today. And what they could not do in and of themselves God did through them. And when there was no man to help He became that man. He became all that I needed. He stepped in and filled the lack.
Now I am lacking nothing. Sometimes its easier to say those words than others but all the time they are still true.
Happy birthday to my dear grandmother who is cheering me on as I run this race of eternity. As I fight the good fight, carry my cross and head towards the finish line. She left such an example of how to win this race.
This weekend I felt the desire to be around people. That was such a vulnerable place for me. I pride myself on being self-sufficient and independent. Most only children are probably used to being alone. I even more so as I experienced periods of time in my childhood when there were simply no friends. No people. So I hid in my books and grew closer to my best friend at the time–my grandmother. That was a way that I coped with not getting needs met. When I became a believer one of the gifts God gave me were real friends. People who loved unconditionally and who stuck by me no matter what. But there is a season for everything and some of those friendships have ended. Still, I am surrounded with community and people close to me who I do life with. This weekend when I felt in need of people I could very easily have reached out to any of these people that make up my community. But it wasn’t just a person or persons I was desiring. It was a specific kind of community I was desiring.
It was family.
I’m in a season now of going back to the beginning and I’m learning how vital it is to be born into this world surrounded by love and acceptance. But really how often does that happen? And even if we are born into affirmation of purpose and identity, that does not mean we will be raised with these assurances. Most people experience a breakdown in their family structure due to life. Some have even more extreme circumstances then others. Whatever the circumstance, our personality and life decisions are influenced by the environment we are raised in. God knows this and still uses all things to work together for our good.
I often think of Moses who was given up by his family for his own good. And then somewhere down the line he reconnected to his people. He was used to deliver them b/c he had been separated from them and his separation led to his own freedom. And theirs. I can relate to that story in a lot of ways.
I was blessed to connect with family this weekend. It wasn’t my blood family but they are so saturated with love that they don’t make a difference. There is a scripture that says God will set the solitaire in families. I will be honest and say I have despised that scripture. Often He has put me in others’ families but I have so desired a family of my own. But then I remembered, no person can complete me. No person can fulfill me. No person can meet all of my needs. Even if I had my own family, they would not be able to fill this hole I feel in my heart. Instead, they would just be there to enjoy, just as I am enjoying this community of people God has placed in my life in this season.
Maybe one day, when that hole is filled, there will be others I can call my blood family.