Tag Archive | toxic relationships

Baby Steps

I’m taking a class called “Healing the Father Wound” based on the book by Kathy Rodriguez. I’ll admit it, I didn’t want to join the small group. I had so much teaching and growth and healing in the area of father wounds and I was tired 😴 . But The Father used one of my faithful sisters to keep inviting me until it was clear I was supposed to join.

Today the instructor asked me a pointed question that I really struggled with answering.

“Do you love yourself Nicole?” Love myself? Ummm I guess. I mean I know I like myself. I think I’m fly and intelligent and attractive💁🏾. I’m caring and loving and loyal. But do I love myself? Hmmm🤔. Not so sure 🤷🏾‍♀️.

So I answered in a round about way: “I think the Lord is having me practice self love and learning my value when I choose to walk away from toxic relationships.”

There, that oughta do it. But I didn’t fool the instructor. She revisited the subject and gave me some “homework” regarding self love.

So I’m thinking about this concept of self love. I know the difficulty for me has been in receiving and believing I am unconditionally loved. Even after all the Father has done. But I haven’t really focused on the concept of self love. I guess now is the time.

I made a difficult decision this week. Thankfully I had community and friends and family to support me. I was able to stand up for my worth and value. I knew that was the heart of the Father. I have had community supporting me relentlessly these 15 years of walking with Him. But to the instructor’s credit, what if one day I do not? What if one day I am located far away from community? Do I have the self affirmation and love to endure? David encouraged himself in the Lord. I too have had those moments but even in those moments I had His presence.

As God matures us the dependencies are removed. The crutches and coping mechanisms He allowed in past seasons are no longer available. Instead we are called to walk forward without them, similar to a child learning to walk. The child can only hold on to the table for so long before they have to let go and walk on their own.

For now I’m grateful for community. I’m grateful there is always something to do, someone to spend time with, someone to see. Especially when the hard decision is made to let someone go.

And the loss is felt everyday.

Even though it was the best decision to make.

The gift of community is what He uses to keep me moving forward. One step at a time. Until the table is far behind me and I am standing strong once again on my own two feet.

SHALOM

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Learning Resilience, Getting Unstuck

woman-looking-up

Can I share something with you? I tend to get “stuck”.  This is something I didn’t realize about myself until this season but it’s true.  I get stuck on songs.  My roommate can attest to this as I will put a song on repeat in a minute!  I LOVE listening to the same song over and over!  I’m doing it now.  I’m having a hard time getting through the whole Hillsong United album because I’m stuck on “Prince of Peace” & “Scandal of Grace”.  But in general getting stuck on a song is not necessarily a bad thing.  It actually can serve as great background music when you’re studying for an exam or writing a book.  That’s my experience anyway.  But getting stuck on thoughts, well, that’s another story.  You see I tend to get stuck on thoughts too.  And maybe if they were super happy memories like my grandmother taking me to the amusement park or my best friends showering their love on me during a road trip or other excursion that would be great.  But no, these thoughts tend to be negative and even dark.  They are a constant temptation that I give into more often than I resist and before this season I just lived with it.  I barely recognized it.  Then God said it was time to address those negative thoughts.

“You need resilience”, He said.  I remember years ago He said I needed endurance.  Then I waited several years for a spouse, ran a half marathon and waited years to move on in my career.  I’m pretty sure I have that endurance now.  Then I remember He said He was giving me discipline.  I obtained that Masters degree in Accounting and that involved a lot of discipline.  It involved a lot of faith too because I was really bad at Accounting in undergrad!  But now He says I need resilience.  I need resilience not just in recovering from toxic thinking but recovering from toxic relationships.

My friend was sharing with me a little while ago about a sermon she heard about David. The minister shared that while David’s child was ill David prayed and fasted and wept before the Lord.  He cried out and interceded and pleaded that his child would live.  But then his child died.  And instead of continuing in mourning, David got up and ordered his servants to feed him.  They marveled because others would now grieve but David did the opposite.

David understood something.  He understood the times to weep and the times to count your losses and move forward.

I have not understood that. I have wept and wept and wept.  I have grieved and grieved and grieved.  But now I am learning, there is a time to move on.

There is a time to realize that the past is the past and though it was good, the present and the future can actually be even better.

I am learning resilience. I am learning to count my losses and keep it moving.  I am learning to believe that the future is full of prosperity and peace and beauty.

I am learning that my present is full of all those things too.

My friend and I at a family gathering…

kennei-and-i

SHALOM