People have been asking me what I’m planning for the big 3-4. I honestly have no plans. My emotions have been up and down (ok, mostly down) about the upcoming event and I don’t know how I will feel when it gets here. Will I have a series of bursts of energy and strength that I’ve often experienced when the enemy has tried to come up against me? Or, will I give in to the quiet stillness of my soul that has marked this season with Christ?
I told my friend recently that I’m allowing myself to experience both. I’m allowing myself to be grateful for the ground the Father and I have gained together, the victories and the wholeness He has created. And also, I’m allowing myself the disappointment, confusion and frustration at the waiting. I’m a numbers person and I do believe I am supposed to be, working in Accounting and all. I believe numbers mean a lot to God as well. He taught me a lot a few years ago just how important they were. What I learned then was that His ways are not our ways. His view is not ours and often He wants us to come up higher to see things from His perspective. For a while there I was seeing but then the darkness came and I found myself lost, questioning very foundational truths that had guided me these 15 years. I was tormented with fear and anxiety and I didn’t have time to think about singleness, I was just trying to choose life. But I did choose and one day at a time I made it to where I am now: more soundness of mind. More peace. More grace. Now that I’m here, singleness is a focus again. I honestly never thought it would be this long. I don’t disagree with the Master’s hand and plan. I know without a shadow of a doubt His way, His timing is best. But I need to process the fact that his timing is longer than I imagined.
For most of my journey I felt a security in my future. I felt confident of His path. Much of that confidence stemmed from my emotions and feelings; the perks of being less mature in the faith I suppose. But now He has said I am more mature and He has treated me as such. Instead of doing things for me He is teaching me to do them for myself. That’s been a paradigm shift. One I haven’t welcomed freely.
The Father has been faithful in all things. He has made promises and I have no doubt He will deliver. But there is a process involved before the manifestation of those promises.
Until the time that his word came to pass,
The word of the Lord tested him.
Like Joseph my friends and I know this testing. We have each encountered our own paths of being formed by the Master’s hand and we have overcome many things. But it seems no matter how many victories I’ve experienced, the next level is even more fierce than the last. I believe this to be true with marriage. I believe the tests will get more difficult and that is why the process in singleness is so needed, to create a sturdy foundation.
I am a blessed woman. God is faithful and my cup runs over. But I am still waiting and I did not know the wait would be this long.
The process this thorough.
The mountain this steep.