I think its odd that typically in the past, the church did not discuss mental health. I guess the misguided notion was that faith was enough, or that all we needed to do was “pray it away”.
During this time of warfare in my mind, I came across a scripture in the Bible that discussed Job’s habit of obsessively providing offerings for his wayward children. Over and over he would attempt to protect them from “judgement of their sin”. He did this out of love for them, but also out of fear. Through this scripture, God was showing me that same root of fear that was directing my own compulsive behavior. I lived in such fear of disappointing and failing God, or ultimately losing His love, that I was afraid to make the wrong decision. That fear of abandonment is what started my downward spiral of dark thoughts.
How many Christians and church people are conducting their faith out of fear? I’m sure there are too many. What I learned through this experience, is that, just as scripture says, nothing can separate us from His love. After my healing, I learned to be more free in my faith, and I was released from feeling like I always needed to make the right choice.
I no longer had to be perfect, I just had to be His.
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After some time of diligently renewing my mind with truth and combatting the lies in my head, eating healthy, taking my supplements, reading the materials put before me to help in my healing, and even eventually going to counseling, I was healed. The interesting thing is, my healing came quietly. It wasn’t until over a year later that the Holy Spirit showed me that I no longer had the “gnawing in my mind”. I was at peace. Much like the man who had the legion of demons cast out of him, I sat now before the Lord with a sound mind. I was so grateful that I had endured, and that finally, my mind was again my own.
But just like in scripture where the devil leaves Jesus in the wilderness after tempting him only to come back at a more opportune time, I too have had to deal with those dark thoughts from time to time, specifically after the passing of my mother.
I know that the pandemic has caused great depression and loneliness for so many. I know that this time of being isolated and socially distancing is grievous on anyone’s soul (even the happy introvert’s). And I know that many are going through their own battles in their minds. I recently had to overcome another painful, longsuffering experience, which I will discuss at another time. The key though to me overcoming was in believing that the pain does end.
Often, our thinking becomes so distorted and enshrouded in the pain, that we can’t see “the forest for the trees” as my pastor said to me the other day. In her analogy, she explained, that is why we need the Guide to guide us out of the wilderness. I wholeheartedly agree. The Holy Spirit showed me the key to my healing once again, and now I am no longer in pain, but I marvel that if I had given up when I wanted to, I would have been only days away from my healing! That is the trick of the enemy, for us to give up right before our breakthrough.
If you are reading these words, do not give up. Give God one more day. One more hour. One more moment, to show up and show you your solution. I am praying for your solution to come to you and to come speedily.
Thank you for reading, and please reach out for any other questions on my personal journey with overcoming mental health illnesses.
Blessings and Love,
Nicole
If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, please contact the National Suicide Prevention lifeline at: 800-273-8255.
SHALOM
