Tag Archive | emotional health

The Goal of Marriage

A week before my 33rd birthday and I am my usual contemplating self. It has been warfare in my mind and emotions for unrelated reasons, but all things are related when we are His. Though I am still in the battle I’m coming out and have received some insight into this experience. For much of my journey with Christ I did not understand His ways and the path He was having me follow. Now having walked some time I can look back and see that much of His intention towards me was to develop me. The definiton of develop:To bring out the capabilities or possibilities of; bring to a more advanced or effective state.

​That is exactly how I feel this journey has been with Him. God is always working on us, especially if we are called to bear Him much fruit. We must first be pruned to bear fruit.​ When He works on us He is bringing forth the best version of us. He is so patient that while the process can seem so long to us He is considerately, kindly, and gently molding us through it. He is with us through it. 

For a while there I would say marriage was a goal. I’m sure it still is for me in a sense. When you have done this much work on yourself in the area of surrender and waiting on Him you can’t help but feel some sense of accomplishment when the promise manifests! But before I would have looked at marriage as a definion of identity. Now I see it as a bi-product of identity. Now the true goal is wholeness.

Everytime I think, “What is it that I want from Jesus for my 33rd b day?” (Because I believe He loves to give us good gifts) the answer comes swifly to my heart :”I want wholeness Jesus”. I want wholeness because I see now so many of my mental and emotional battles have been a result of my own brokeness. So many of my weaknesses have come from my own dysfunction. The interesting thing about Christ is that He doesn’t do things overnight; He enjoys the journey. He enjoys the day by day manifestation of what already is; the slow unfolding of what He promised. Sometimes its hard to see when it happens that way. It’s like noticing a nano second passing by. You hardly notice b/c it’s so miniscule, but when a whole hour passes by, you definitely take notice! 

We should be able to look back on our path and see the development. We should see the evolution of who we are in Him. If we can’t, something is wrong. We are not progressing forward in our purpose and calling. Sometimes we will have slow seasons or times of distraction, but overall we should be moving forward by His grace.

I admit my dissappointment there is not a ring on my finger by 33. I admit my difficulty with accepting the fact that it has taken this amount of time to reach the level of wholeness I am currently at. I am reminded that Christ is not dissappointed. He knows us through and through. He knows the development process we are in. He knows the best timing to bring about His promises in our lives.

Random selfie…


Emotional Indicators

People who are described as “sensitive” tend to be deep feelers. Everyone feels, but people who are regarded as being “more sensitive” are very sensitive to the
emotions that they feel. And not just their emotions but other people’s too. They pick up on moods and atmospheres and even thoughts easily. The benefit of this way of functioning is these people make great intercessors. They can sense the burdens of others and pray with the same fervency for that person as if they themselves were experiencing that burden. They can release the burden to the Father when that person isn’t capable to pray for themselves. They “stand in the gap” and the Father responds in movement to the intercessor’s cries as if it were the person himself who were crying. This sounds pretty cool to be able to be used in that way, but like with all things this side of heaven, this gift was affected by the fall of mankind. The drawback to being a “deep feeler” is that often you let your feelings dictate your outlook and response. Your feelings are so strong they overcome you and lead you. When feelings are in the drivers seat, there is no telling where the car will end up parked.

For months now I have let anxiety rule. And then fear. And then doubt. It has been a battle, and it wasn’t until the other day when I asked God why He was allowing this battle to go on for so long that I was reminded that the true war is not against fear, or anxiety or doubt. The true war is against the true self being revealed. 

The war is over identity. 

The whole earth is groaning and waiting for the Sons of God (Elohim) to be revealed (Romans 8:28). 

I was asked by the Holy Spirit,

“Nicole do you believe you are an eternal being and that you are functioning from the heavenly places you are seated in? Do you believe you are delegating and demonstrating in the natural that which is eternal?” 

“Yes Lord, I believe”. 

I had grace to believe this one truth even while so many other beliefs were coming under attack. And focusing on the truth that I am an eternal being, functioning from an eternal place, helped put things in perspective. It helped my emotions simmer down, temporarily.

Emotions are indicators. Anxiety is an indicator that something is wrong. It was an indication that something I was believing was wrong. For nearly four months now I have been “white knuckling” it. I have tried everything in my power to get a quick fix or a fast deliverance, but all attempts have failed. I have finally faced the truth that I need outside help. That line of thinking is so contrary to my personality. I always want to be “strong”. I am usually the “go to” person when others are in need of encouragement. But after nearly four months I have to face facts: I need help.  

I have to let go and realize my story is still being written. Even though I am promised a great ending, I don’t know the details of the in between.


Higher Ground

We met at a local restaurant that I hadn’t been to in a while. I had been putting off the meeting simply b/c our last meeting left me burdened. But God was going to surprise me and reiterate that this connection was indeed a very important assignment from Him. I remember early on in our relationship He told me that this woman and I had very similar “issues”. Back then I had very little self-awareness but took Him at His word. I couldn’t have guessed how accurate that word was and just how many issues we had in common. I took a chance and ordered roast beef and fries. I haven’t had beef in a while and decided that b/c we were heading into the weekend I would indulge. Also the fall weather always makes heavier foods more appealing. We dug right into the meat of things (pun intended) and started catching one another up on our love lives. Or lack thereof. We talked about the exes, how crazy they all were and how crazy we were to want to be with them. Why is it that we chose the same type of men over and over again? Finally I had an answer. I let her in on a secret I had recently learned. Most people will choose a person with both negative and positive traits of their parents. They will do this more than likely to get the needs met that they did not get met in their childhood. If only I had understood that truth 5, 10, 15 years ago. My friend reflected on that information and shared about her daughter choosing the same unhealthy relationship she had experienced in her own marriage. “Of course, because that is what is familiar to her” I shared with my newfound wisdom. We consumed our meal and dished more on all we were learning in the area of mental and emotional health. I was so blessed by the meeting, I couldn’t help but think of my initial apprehensions about it and how they were clearly not from the Lord. God was confirming my call. He was reiterating that He was going to use all of my failures in relationships. Just as He used me to share on my heartbreak He would use me to share with others about getting healthier.Before we parted ways my friend, 20 years my senior, commented about how awesome it was that I was learning this stuff so “young”. I briefly thought about it and responded “I know its b/c of my family. They knew they wanted me to have better opportunities. They knew they did not want me to repeat their same mistakes. Even if they didn’t have the verbiage to say, ‘I want her to be healthier emotionally or have healthier relationships’. They knew how to pray for better. This is my better”. 


Often the path feels fierce. It feels like I’m climbing uphill, alone, struggling to take the next shaky step forward in my fight for healing and recovery. But there are times I remember, I’m not alone. My ancestors take these steps with me. And b/c of them, I get to experience life even more abundantly.