A week before my 33rd birthday and I am my usual contemplating self. It has been warfare in my mind and emotions for unrelated reasons, but all things are related when we are His. Though I am still in the battle I’m coming out and have received some insight into this experience. For much of my journey with Christ I did not understand His ways and the path He was having me follow. Now having walked some time I can look back and see that much of His intention towards me was to develop me. The definiton of develop:To bring out the capabilities or possibilities of; bring to a more advanced or effective state.
That is exactly how I feel this journey has been with Him. God is always working on us, especially if we are called to bear Him much fruit. We must first be pruned to bear fruit. When He works on us He is bringing forth the best version of us. He is so patient that while the process can seem so long to us He is considerately, kindly, and gently molding us through it. He is with us through it.
For a while there I would say marriage was a goal. I’m sure it still is for me in a sense. When you have done this much work on yourself in the area of surrender and waiting on Him you can’t help but feel some sense of accomplishment when the promise manifests! But before I would have looked at marriage as a definion of identity. Now I see it as a bi-product of identity. Now the true goal is wholeness.
Everytime I think, “What is it that I want from Jesus for my 33rd b day?” (Because I believe He loves to give us good gifts) the answer comes swifly to my heart :”I want wholeness Jesus”. I want wholeness because I see now so many of my mental and emotional battles have been a result of my own brokeness. So many of my weaknesses have come from my own dysfunction. The interesting thing about Christ is that He doesn’t do things overnight; He enjoys the journey. He enjoys the day by day manifestation of what already is; the slow unfolding of what He promised. Sometimes its hard to see when it happens that way. It’s like noticing a nano second passing by. You hardly notice b/c it’s so miniscule, but when a whole hour passes by, you definitely take notice!
We should be able to look back on our path and see the development. We should see the evolution of who we are in Him. If we can’t, something is wrong. We are not progressing forward in our purpose and calling. Sometimes we will have slow seasons or times of distraction, but overall we should be moving forward by His grace.
I admit my dissappointment there is not a ring on my finger by 33. I admit my difficulty with accepting the fact that it has taken this amount of time to reach the level of wholeness I am currently at. I am reminded that Christ is not dissappointed. He knows us through and through. He knows the development process we are in. He knows the best timing to bring about His promises in our lives.