It’s 6am and I was lying in my bed pondering and reflecting. That seems to be a natural state of being for me and I’m really grateful that is the case. I think we human beings are always receiving messages throughout the day and have little to no clue that our brains/emotions are working overtime and need a set time to process. For me, I set aside time throughout the day to journal or do voice recordings on my phone at night. It may sound silly to talk out loud to no one but for me I’m not talking to no one. I’m talking to Him. My Beloved. The One who knows me through and through. I was talking to Him this morning, wondering why I was up so early. Should I be praying for someone? Should I be spending time in worship? In the end I decided to write. One more week and I get another year older. I’m sensitive to the Lord’s purpose in each year of my life. I’m sensitive to His times and seasons. He told me that 31 would represent a “crossing over”. I had some key decisions to make that would drastically affect the outcome of my future. There was great warfare but thankfully He helped me to choose wisely. He gave me a word that the next 10 years of my life were going to be fruitful and I now realize it is a result of my choice.
I learned about boundaries this year. I see how I’ve never had boundaries and as a result was very lopsided in my relationships. I was always either giving, giving, giving, or taking, taking, taking. Very rarely was there a balance. He is balancing me out. I think much of the world functions w/o boundaries. Our culture teaches us that we can be completed by a romantic love. We are told to find someone to fulfill us, therefore we don’t use boundaries in our relationships. “You complete me”, says Jerry McGuire (I know, I’m dating myself LOL!). But that is a lie from the pit of hell. This lie has been running in my subconscious for most of my life here on earth. 30+ years of foolishness. I believed someone else could complete me. Whether it was a friend or a romantic partner. I felt empty and unfulfilled. I realize now that had I married earlier in my life I would have continuously leaned on my partner for fulfillment. Now I’m seeking Christ for fulfillment.
These days I’m getting to see what I’m really made of. There is no roommate or life long friend for me to lean on and now I am too aware to make that same mistake twice (thank You Father). Instead, I feel the fear of being alone. I become aware of the false beliefs and lies that surface in my heart. I am weak. I am great when in the company of others, but my weaknesses are exposed in the stillness of solitude that makes up each day. It is difficult, but it is necessary. Most people skip this part. They don’t want to be alone. They rush into the next relationship to hide from their issues. Then their issues are exposed and hurt the other party and they end up in a cycle of foolishness. They remain unhealthy and therefore chose unhealthy people and develop unhealthy relationships. It all seems so simple now as I reflect in hindsight but being in the midst of the cycle myself, my vision was blurred. Waiting has given me great vision.
I’ve learned what wisdom waiting is.
I never appreciated it as much before as in this season. I was always frustrated. It is frustrating for a go-getter to sit still. But sitting in the stillness with Him, brings forth much fruit. W/o fruit, we are liable to be cut away and thrown into the abyss. John 15:2. And I see the fruit coming forth with this book. I’ve received so much support and encouragement. Yesterday a woman I work with and I, talked about my journey. She read my book and loved it. She is hoping it helps her daughter. Tears rolled down my face. I felt the weight of my testimony. Truly God was using every struggle I’ve had in the area of men and relationships. Truly He was causing me to stand as a testament to His hand. The woman shared her daughter was in her early 20s and desiring marriage. My first thought which I shared out loud was, “she has time”. I didn’t want to say it! I would not have wanted to hear it as a 20-something! I don’t even want to hear it now LOL. But I heard it in my head as plain as day and know it is truth.
There is TIME.
When you’re young you feel like everything must happen immediately. I was engaged at 18 years old. I didn’t know the first thing about myself or marriage. At 30 years old, I still did not. It took me waiting until 31 to develop even more in my understanding of myself, the Lord and humanity. Had I married before that time, I would have been in for a rude awakening. Now I’m in recovery. I went though a period of recovery 10 years ago and the Father has said that I am once again in a period of recovery. He handles His children with care. The winds blow and the storms come but always He brings reiief. After winter, must come spring.
Our times and seasons are in His hands, Psalm 31:15. I never much liked that idea basically b/c it meant I did not control my own destiny. But I still have a choice to influence it. As a teenager I made that choice. I chose to live a surrendered life. I had no idea what that choice would cost me. But really what I have lost can be counted as dung. Paul said it best.
My prayer is that 32 will bring forth even more wholeness in my life. Each year I’m here I want to continue growing, developing, maturing and manifesting my eternal self. I see glimpses of her. She is gorgeous, intelligent, faithful, humble, obedient, and fully confident in her identity and who she is to the Father. She has WISDOM. She is fully secure and has no insecurities. She lacks no good thing. She is not afraid of her future. She laughs at it. I have seen her so much more in this season than any other season of my life. The girl has SWAG :-). But there has still been much double-minded ness. Much functioning in and out of the false self (the sinful nature). I realize the Father has designated this time of being alone to fully focus on my true identity. Paul had it right, marriage is a distraction and being single allows one to fully focus on Christ.
I’m learning that Father knows best. I’m learning His choices always bring about the best possible outcome for His children. If only we would agree with them. If only we would choose Him. He has chosen me to choose Him, Romans 8:29. And maybe He did so b/c He knew I would choose Him LOL. My life is the fulfillment of so many promises He has made to my bloodline. And I’m not worthy for the blessings that He has in store.