Tag Archive | celibacy

Soulmates & Singleness


Last night I had a good conversation with a dear friend.  We talked about one of our most frequented topics: singleness.  We reminisced about the times spent walking out this path we never thought we’d face and how much we’ve grown since those early days.  Where had the time gone?  We wondered.  I remembered an old video on black women finding love after 40 and some who never “found love” at all.  My friend had also watched that video way back when and shared her sentiments on it.  “It’s depressing” she said.  I can see why she would feel that way though I don’t remember having that perspective as a 20- something watching it.  I only remember thinking, “That won’t be me!”  Even if I didn’t verbally say those words, I feel that message was ingrained deeply in my heart.  You see at that time in my spiritual walk I didn’t understand that God could (and would) use time to work out some stuff that would hinder purpose and identity from being manifested through me.  I certainly didn’t see the stuff I needed working out at that point so of course I didn’t think He would need to do too much work on me.  Ah, to be young and naïve again😆.  My timeline was that of the culture’s timeline and even now I struggle against that mindset.  But what I have learned in the time that has occurred between then and now is this: Father knows best.  I now understand that when God says, “no” it is in my best interest whereas back then I only saw one side of the coin (when God said “no” He was just being mean).  So watching that video back then I interpreted it through that lens.  The one-sided coin lens.

Since I’m a little older now and am actually closer to the age of the women who were interviewed, I decided to re-watch it through these new-more mature lenses.  When I did, I felt grieved for the women who wanted love and for one reason or another did not find it.  I did relate to how they cultivated a full joyful life outside of a relationship.  And I did understand their desire to please God in a life of celibacy that they never envisioned in their future.  But there was one subtle question my heart was asking as the statistics of single, black-educated women rolled on the screen. How healthy are these women?  I wondered.  You see in the last few years I’ve had a lot of revelations as to why I needed singleness and everyone of them had to do with the fact that I myself was very unhealthy.  I wouldn’t have known a healthy relationship if it hit me in the face.  And I’m sure there were good men around me who avoided me like the plague because of my red flags.  Thankfully I had the Holy Spirit who guided me and pruned me and created something a little better than what existed before.  So I watched half of the video and felt their pain and empathized with their cup that I myself am also drinking from, but I also know that we can be limited in our understanding of God’s ways…

Statistics are statistics and I can’t say that I am exempt from them.  Maybe some of the reason I am single is because black men are incarcerated and gay and not educated.  Maybe I am affected by these facts.  But my experience trumps statistics.  And my experience is that I am chosen and God has been very intentional with me to deliver me and heal me and restore me (He is such a good Dad).  He has been very intentional with me to set me apart, teach me and grow me.

I don’t know my future, but I do know my past.  He is my past.  He is Father and Maker and Friend.  And most importantly He is trustworthy.

Job 13:15 (KJV)

Though he slay me, yet will I trust in Him…

I hate that we are called to very difficult things.  That sometimes we don’t have the answers this side of heaven.

But sometimes we do have the answers.

I have found many answers hidden within the crevices of my heart (Ephesians 3:11).  And often, almost too many times, He has confirmed those answers through dreams and prophecy.  I have lived my life this way for the last 15 years, and I am encouraged by the Spirit of the Lord within my heart that no matter what the statistics say, no matter what another person’s story is or perspective is, I need to stay true to what I know inside.

He has intentionally set me apart for such a time as this and for my own good.  And He will give me the desires of my heart as I have first delighted in Him.

SHALOM

Why I Hate to Talk About Sex…But I’m Going To Do It Anyway

Hello there!  I’m sure you were very intrigued by the title of this blog post!  While I hate to disappoint, it actually does not belong to me. It belongs to a very good blogger friend of mine, Simone.  Please check out the full blog post here.  Simone, myself and 3 other fabulous female authors will be discussing topics of celibacy and waiting on the Lord March 29th and we would LOVE to have you join us!  Check out details on the blog post.  Hope you can join in!!

 

SHALOM

Celibacy: The New Sexy

If you’re even just a little bit privy to celebs and entertainment gossip you have probably heard of some well known couples whipping out the celibacy card. Some very good looking couples I might add! These good looking couples have shared that their purposes for being celibate have more to do with their faith then anything. One couple actually released a book about their experience called “The Wait” written by Devon Franklin and Meagan Good. I have yet to read the book but a blogger friend of mine had the opportunity to interview them. Please check out the interview here.

I applaud Devon and Meagan’s efforts to help others become aware that God wants our bodies as well as our hearts. I appreciate that they have a greater platform than many believers and can even reach a more diverse group of people to share a message of purity.

Another couple that has been outspoken about “their wait” recently became engaged.  Russell Wilson and Ciara are on their way to the next step in solidifying their relationship. While I rejoice that this couple desires to honor one another and God in their relationship I understand by experience that celibacy is just one step towards the goal of a healthy, godly marriage.  Purity runs deeper than just physical boundaries and a solid foundation for a relationship must encompass mental, emotional, psychological, and spiritual components.  I pray this couple gets that understanding if they don’t already have it. In my experience the body of Christ has done a poor job of preparing singles for marriage. The teaching has been very surface level and often times Christian couples modeled worldy couples, except without the sex and sometimes maybe they prayed together. They just kind of tagged Jesus on and moved forward functioning from a lot of self and immaturity. These teachers thought that celibacy was the key.

But I believe wisdom is the key.

Celibacy is just a byproduct of holiness and intimacy with God.  We respond to Him by laying down our desires because He is so good, but that is just one level of knowing Him. As we keep walking and maturing in Him we learn there are greater components to a covenant with Him and a covenant with a spouse.

I pray these couples who desire God’s best learn there is much more to the foundation of a healthy relationship than just abstinence. There is wholeness which cannot be cultivated easily. Instead it takes time and obedience and faithfulness.

SHALOM