The first time I had to say goodbye was the hardest. Only b/c of the circumstances. I was caught off guard and in shock and I didn’t know what hit me. I prolonged the goodbye and made it last a year. It was that hard to let go.
Just when I thought I was done I had to say goodbye again. I prolonged it as long as I could, but the inevitable caught up with me. I found myself on the floor facedown in tears just as if it had been a real relationship. But it wasn’t a real relationship; it was a friendship. And that friendship turned toxic at some point during the course of it. That toxicity was running through the arteries of our hearts with each shared conversation. We were frantically, emotionally clinging to one another in a way that was not pleasing to God and finally God was putting an end to it. So I went through withdrawal. I picked up my phone and saw that the male contacts had been removed. Only my sisters remained. That was so uncomfortable for me. I was so used to having male companions but in this season (and it has been a LONG season) God was removing them. He was doing a work in me that would require having no unhealthy male relationships. And because of my own issues, I wasn’t able to have a healthy male relationship at the time, so there were simply no men.
Fast forward 9 years and I find myself in the same situation: facedown, on the floor, in tears. I had to say goodbye again. I tried to prolong it as long as possible. I heard God say “No”. I had no peace. I wasn’t getting any sleep. This was not the man He had chosen. But I ignored His protests. I wanted this man. I wanted this relationship. This was my choice. It was right before my 31st birthday. I did not want to be single at 31. Not even for a day after 31. But in the end, He had His way. I said goodbye. I fasted, and prayed, and leaned on my community for support. And again I said goodbye.
In the midst of each situation I wrestled with God. I cared about these people. Deeply. Too deeply. They were idols. Whoever or whatever we put before God is an idol. But it was much deeper than that. I was wrestling with generational curses. At least, my spirit man was. These curses were entangling me in the same bondage so many in my family had experienced, hence I kept finding myself in the same situation. But God decided that I would be the one to break free. I don’t know why. I have fallen and been weak and struggled these 9 years. But maybe that is why. Because I am weak. And yet He has delivered me. Over and over and over again.
It is never easy saying goodbye. There is withdrawal. There is pain. There is an empty hole in your life where that person used to be. You have to actually rebuild your life and maybe even your identity. I have done this with relationships as well as friendships that I have had to let go, so I can share that it’s not easy. But in all honesty, as hard as it is walking forward after these breakups, I have learned so much after each one. I have changed so much and grown so much. By His grace I will not make the same mistakes again. I now know what healthy relationships look like. I now know what unhealthy ones look like. I would not have obtained that knowledge had I chosen my own way.
When I shared with my friend about having to let go of the man who pursued me at 30, she shared that she does not know if she could have been obedient. I appreciated her honesty and humility. I told her “We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us”. I can say that with confidence because I have had that experience.
When I was at the very end of my rope in waiting, He gave me strength to wait some more. When all the odds were against me, He helped me to overcome them. He made me an overcomer.
SHALOM
