A Fight For Wholeness

Yesterday I had a convo with a good friend about her upcoming b day.  She turns 32.  I was so touched that she opened up about her own struggles with getting older and her life not looking the way she thought it would look.  She shared about the pressure she receives from her church community to get married.  She shared about the assumptions they have that because she is single its ok for her to work 60 hours a week.  “I want to be more than my job”, she says.  “I want to live an abundant life”.  


How many singles have been victims of the lie from the church that we are not enough?  That we are a lesser form of citizens in society b/c of our relationship status?  Isn’t it enough that we have laid down our desires for His?  Isn’t it enough that we are learning self-denial and humility and developing all of those fruits Galatians 5 talks about?  But on top of that painful experience of pruning the pressure to rush and settle is added to our journey.  We are lied to over and over again by society and there is no safe place for us in the four walls of the church because they too are lying to us.  


“We have to fight for our wholeness” I told my friend.  The church is telling us that we are not whole people.  They are telling us there is something wrong with us and that we are not living an abundant life because there is no ring on our finger.  They are seeing with the eyes of the world and are not seeing with the eyes of Yeshua.  They are liars but they do not realize they are lying to us.  They actually believe they want what is best for us but they are leaning to their own understanding.  They are looking at the outward appearance of man and not looking at the heart.  Christ is developing His body to mature past this immature way of thinking and functioning.  We must grow up and look behind the masks of social media.  We must grow up and see what is lurking underneath.


Singles are not being taught on what to look for in a spouse.  There is very little training and preparation for marriage.  It is the blind leading the blind all the way to divorce court.  


The truth is God loves to gives us our desires but He comes first.  Only He knows what is best for us and what is best for us does not always feel good.  


Self-denial is always best but never feels good.


I’m grateful that in this season God is giving me greater wisdom and understanding of His ways.  I’m grateful to be learning my true identity and not losing myself in codependency and dysfunctional relationships.  I wish it had not taken so much time to get here.  I wish I could have learned these truths sooner but that is just me being “Type A”.  I know God values the longsuffering.  I know He values the patience needed just to make it to this new level of wholeness.  


This season of transition is very uncomfortable but I’m reminded of something a minister said about being uncomfortable.  He said that we must get comfortable with being uncomfortable.  


I truly believe the purpose of the season of singleness is to develop one’s wholeness apart from distraction.  I truly believe that is what Paul meant when he said it was better to be single.  We cannot measure our state of development according to our linear perspective of time.  That is what causes grief and frustration.  We must learn to understand God’s cyclical seasons of time and move with Him to progress forward in our development.


Otherwise, we will be in a state of discontentment and fear.  I know because that is the state He is delivering me from.  We must fight for our inheritance of freedom and wholeness and peace.




By Nicole D. Miller

Nicole D. Miller is an author and heartfelt writer, as expressed on her blog Better Than Wine. Her books are published at nicoledmiller.com and on Amazon. She loves all things “old school” hip-hop and R&B, along with any outfit that involves cute boots and thick scarves. She even manages to run her own bookkeeping business (www.abnbookkeepingllc.com) when she’s not cuddling her cute cat she fondly calls, “Squeaks”.


  1. Nicole,

    I agree there should be a very different perspective on being single by the church and society. I also agree that there is not enough honest talk about marriage, but this is why I try to be as honest and transparent in my blog. Whether single or married I feel that we need to be embraced for that phase in which we reside, be assisted in thriving there, and also given guidance on how to proceed in the next phases of life.

    I do also want to encourage everyone to listen with an open heart to those willing to share, and pray for discernment. I warn against putting up blinders, saying, “Oh, that’s just her. My life, marriage, kids WON’T be that way.” Listen, really listen, pray for discernment, and proceed. Whether single or married…

    Thanks for you honesty and transparency, Nicole 🙂

    1. Thanks Jocelynn! Im grateful for people like yourself who are being transparent in their marriages. Education, wisdom and knowledge is so needed before committing to a life long covenant. We also need to be humble and teachable to receive the knowledge being offered. I personally am just grateful to have had time to grow in understanding the purpose of singleness and marriage. Otherwise I would have had to learn some very difficult lessons the hard way and experience unnecessary pain.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: