This morning I woke up and the first thing I heard was, “you are loved”.  I knew the Father was speaking to me and He was dismantling a lie that has been rooted in my belief system for decades.  So, I laid hold of His word and repeated it to myself over and over again.  

“I am loved”.

Recently I sent an email to a core group of people in my life.  I shared that I was struggling with the rejection issues from my past and that I desired to walk in freedom and truth.  I received much encouragement and was blessed by their responses.  Previously I would not have reached out but I now realize that though we are all on our individual journeys, no one overcomes alone.  

Christ is ministering to me heavily in this season about my own brokenness.  I’m becoming aware of toxic thoughts and beliefs such as the false belief that, “I am not loved”.  Now, no one has ever spoken those words to me.  No one ever said “Nicole, you are not loved”. But the actions and wounds of others sent that message to me over and over again until without me realizing it, I believed it to be true.  So this lie was playing in the background of my psyche for decades and even when others attempted to show me love and love on me, I either could not receive their love or could only receive it to a certain extent.  And even with all of the intimacy I’ve experienced in my relationship with Christ, there was still broken areas that were not receiving love because those broken areas believed the lie, “I am not loved”.  

So often when we do not feel loved we go looking for love in unhealthy places.  I have found myself entangled in unhealthy, codependent relationships for the bulk of my 30+ years on this earth.  I was needy, attracting needy people or people who needed to be needed and thus we were enabling and wounded and desperate.  

We were desperate for love.

Christ shared that the 1st commandment is to love God while the 2nd is to love our neighbors as ourselves.  We must first love ourselves with His love.  We must first awaken to and receive His love in its fullness.  When we do not first love ourselves with His love, we will love our neighbors from a place of dysfunction.  We will be trying to receive something from them they were never able to give and we will try to earn their acceptance and love to validate who we are.  

It is a tricky game I have played over and over again without realizing it.  The time has come to mature and those who are maturing do not play games.

If you are single and desire to marry, I encourage you to first learn to love yourself.  Loving yourself with Christ’s love is not selfish, it is vital in experiencing wholeness so that you are not expecting someone else to complete you.  

Every day I have to practice speaking truth to myself: “Nicole, you are loved” until this truth permeates my being and I no longer look outside of the Father to validate me. I no longer feel empty inside.  It is taking such discipline to manifest my wholeness, but I heard it said recently from a marriage counselor, “you can experience the pain of discipline or the pain of regret”.  Those who marry prematurely as broken people will experience the pain of regret.  But you my friend, have the opportunity to experience the pain of discipline, which is far less, and reaps a much greater harvest.

I highly recommend checking out Pastor Touré Robert’s series: “Getting Back to Love”.


By Nicole D. Miller

Nicole D. Miller is an author and heartfelt writer, as expressed on her blog Better Than Wine. Her books are published at nicoledmiller.com and on Amazon. She loves all things “old school” hip-hop and R&B, along with any outfit that involves cute boots and thick scarves. She even manages to run her own bookkeeping business (www.abnbookkeepingllc.com) when she’s not cuddling her cute cat she fondly calls, “Squeaks”.

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