Last night the Father met me. I was struggling with the emptiness inside and though loved ones were kind I don’t think they understood. But He did. I thought the solution to the emptiness was me somehow figuring out a way to awaken myself. I understood His word said that we lack nothing and that we have been given everything that pertains to life and godliness. We are overflowing with His goodness. So the feeling of being empty was contrary to His word. That means the feeling of being empty was a lie. But how was I to combat that lie? Didn’t I need to awaken to truth? Didn’t I need to awaken to the Father’s love?
One thing my pastor said last night when I spoke with him is that we cannot do things in and of ourselves. He explained we have to be “dead”. Meaning we have laid down our lives and only Christ in us remains. That truth resonated in me. I saw what Holy Spirit was trying to tell me earlier in the day. I needed to stop functioning in and of myself. I needed to stop functioning independently. For many of my friends and I, we learned to be independent at an early age. We learned we could not depend on our caregivers either emotionally or at all. We learned how to be successful and ambitious and stand on our own because we had too. But that just made us unbalanced. That was fine when we were less mature and did not have any better coping mechanisms. When we did not know how to get our needs me from the (only) One who will always meet those needs.
I know that the Lord has carved out this season for me to really see what’s in my heart. He has removed all unhealthy dependencies and has said “Nicole, this is what is underneath. This is what is in your heart”. I became so tenacious and driven to experience the wholeness I knew I needed that I started pursuing it in and of myself. I started checking off my boxes and reading my books and listening to my podcasts and reading my lessons. Though I did not like this season I knew from past seasons He ordained it for my best interest so I met each day head on with determination to walk out His path.
But I was doing it apart from Him.
I was keeping Him at a distance in my heart. “Jesus, you’ve done great to get me this far, but I’ve got this”. So I plowed head first until the emptiness kept surfacing and I didn’t have the answers. And no one around me did. I knew that many experience this feeling and turn to unhealthy behaviors. I myself have in the past turned to unhealthy behaviors. But this is a new season. He is doing a new thing. I wanted the new thing.
And then the answer came.
His presence and love overwhelmed me and I was up for hours as He delighted in me. I could not deny His love that was uniquely tailor made for me. He reminded me of how it was in the beginning with Us. He reminded me of when I was a babe and of Our intimacy and Our love. It was messy and vulnerable and I thought I was too old for this. But I realized knowing His love in this way is a part of my identity in Him and to suppress it will always lead to an empty feeling.
I kept hearing a song by Shekinah Glory called “How Deeply I Need You” playing in my head. That’s when I realized why I felt empty. It is because I need Him. I need Him in a way I was not allowing myself to need Him. I had been hurt and rejected and abandoned by the world and I had put up walls. Even with Him.
But He tore them down with His love.
He told me “Nicole, I am all in”. And my response to Him was “I am too”. Because how can I not help but follow His lead?
I thought this messy vulnerable love was inappropriate for the Most High. My religiously tainted, false idea of God was blocking His intimate, passionate ways. He reminded me that His messy, vulnerable love was displayed on the cross.
Ours is a messy love. And I embrace it once again like I did 13 years ago when I used to lay on my dorm room floor face down, limbs spread, and worship all night. Because I realize that is who I am.
And I’ll never feel complete unless I am who He’s called me to be.
Here is the link to hear “How Deeply I Need You”
Here is a random selfie I took this morning LOL