I was telling a friend today, I feel as if I am embarking on a new level of selflessness. I read my description at the opening of this blog and how I talk about “dying to self”, and I did die to self. But there seems to be levels of this dying stuff. The truth is, my eyes are being opened. I’m seeing how often I tried to hold on to temporary things.
Years ago I was in love. And when I felt God asking me to give up that love I dragged my feet. I spent hours with a man when I knew God was saying, “You need to walk away”. And I tried to make those hours last, but no matter how hard I tried I could not stretch the hours. I did the same thing 10 years later. And yet again, the hours did not last. I had to meet the next day head on and hear the same message from Holy Spirit “Walk away, let him go”. In hindsight I’m thankful because what I thought I wanted was not at all what was best for me. But that was hindsight. In the midst of, I felt as if my heart was being torn in two. Both times. I’ve done the same thing with jobs and living arrangements and friendships. “Walk away”, He says. “Wait”, He says. “No”, He says. And most of the time I thought God was just being mean. “God doesn’t like me”, I thought. “Why is God so mean to me?” It is in this season that I see, He was protecting me from me. I did not know what was best for me. I only knew what I wanted. I only knew my longings and my desires and that I hated when they weren’t fulfilled. I did not see my entitlement. I did not see my dysfunction.
Love does not seek its own. That is a new concept to me. I had been seeking my own for so long. I had only given up my will when Holy Spirit harassed me about it and would not take “no’ for an answer. Or when He lovingly, gently, guided me along His way. There were a few moments I eagerly complied. Especially early on when I was high off His gifts and His love. But when the character building seasons came, my endurance quickly dwindled.
Thankfully His did not.
So now I finally see that wisdom is to let go. To not hold on too tightly to anything but Him. So when I’m tested at work or in my personal life and I want to choose my way, I am reminded that there is a way that is right in a man’s eyes, but that way leads to death. And as much as I struggle with my unmet desires, I do choose life. I do choose humility and selflessness and all those other admirable qualities that seem to take so much time to form in one’s life. But form He is doing, and who can stop the Potter when He is molding His clay?