His interest took me by surprise, but I’m remaining open. I’m uncharacteristically trying my hand at the less extreme side of thinks. My personality type causes me to see things as black and white, right or wrong, husband or no husband. But this narrow path with Christ has revealed far too many winding, dirt paved roads which now lead me to the grayer side of things. The grayer side…which includes lots of texting and phone conversations with mouths full of getting-to-know-you words. It has been quite refreshing to know that I’ve caught someone’s eye and they actually took steps to get to know me. Exciting even. It’s been rare in my journey with Christ.
I’m appreciating his take on things. To move slow, build a friendship, get to know each other. No pressure. I can see his heart, to keep mine intact, when everything is said and done. So I’ve upgraded some old boundaries and let him take the lead, b/c I can see his good intentions. Yet all the while I’m praying for that balance. For God to balance me out. So I can let go of the extremes and also not be distracted, which has been a pattern for me.
The insecurities have surfaced, the doubts, the lies, and I ask God, “What do you want me to learn through this?…Through him?” And His answer is always the same,
“Know your identity in Me. Learn who you are. Learn your value”.
Maybe I am too hard on myself, but I feel the frustration of not having this down after all these years. How could I still not know my identity? How could I still struggle this way? But maybe it is just self righteousness, rearing it’s ugly head, when I am reminded once again that I am not good enough. When I am reminded that my goodness is as filthy rags.
Lucky for me I have really good people in my life who speak truth to me, who can give me godly council and encouragement. “Stay grounded, ” she tells me, “You are the prize, know your worth”.
And I am reminded again of God’s truth. I’m steered in His direction to seek His mind and invite Him continually in my life, in my decision making. And that is the test, because I always have a choice to yield and give my life to Him. In every way possible.