Last year around this time I wrote about my testimony, which was this: Abstinence, Celibacy, Sexual Purity. The Lord rewarded my obedience in this area by publishing it in a book compiled by a woman whose ministry is based on being a 30-something year old virgin. Ultimately, she made it to her wedding night and then traded the title of “virgin” for the gift of oneness with her husband. They have just had their first child in January :-).
Well, my testimony is still abstinence, celibacy, sexual purity. But now it’s cloaked in humility and self awareness. Now it is no longer used to define me, mainly because there is nothing to hold on to. My almost 9 year track record was broken late summer of last year by a slew of unforeseen events that ultimately led me back to His arms.
I found myself caught up in various compromising situations and each time the conviction of the Holy Spirit drove me to my knees; even when I tried to stay in the mess. Even when I believed the lies of the wicked one and decided to agree with this false self. The Holy Spirit would not give me peace with that decision. And so after months of wavering back and forth, He gave me the “out” that I needed.
Thankfully I took it.
What has become clear to me, is that I will have to keep taking it. There are now several open doors to fall back into old patterns and behaviors and get off track of God’s purpose for me in this season. Even knowing this does not dull the temptation. But there is wisdom that comes from having fallen. I now see the red flags very clearly as they are once again emerging.
Recently I told a friend facing the same sort of temptation “we are in a battle…we are in a war…and we need to understand that God is allowing this season to make us into great warriors”. I finally see God’s intentionality in my singleness to be that of a tool He is using to cultivate me for a variety of reasons. One of which is to break generational curses and strongholds placed so long ago in my bloodline. For that reason I am weak. This is, arguably, my most weakest area. To walk out purity. Physically, emotionally, mentally, etc… And thus for nearly 10 years that is where I am continually tested.
I finally realize that I need to expect this specific type of testing, because of my call, because of who I am to the Father. Satan will always hit below the belt, always hit his opponent where they are weak.
So even though the opportunities are there once again, and I am still weak in this area, I now know something I did not know this time last year.
I am no longer ignorant of Satan’s devices.
I now have greater understanding of my own weakness, whereas before, I had fallen under the deceptions of pride and self righteousness. I was subconsciously thinking it was my own obedience that had kept me. No, both pride and self-righteousness have now been stripped away.
So now I am on my knees before the fall, instead of after.