I’ve seen it more often than not. A girl meets a nice guy, thinks he’s the one, ignores the red flags and lies to herself about the ones she can’t ignore. She gives him her heart. It doesn’t work out after “x” amount of time. They break up, she’s in pain and he’s moved on. I was that girl.
I’m no expert, but I can say I have some experience. Enough experience not to travel down that road again! And of course, a guy can have his heart broken as well, but since I’m a girl and really only know about “girl’s issues”, I’ll be speaking from a female perspective. But to my male readers, do feel free to chime in in the comments section below :-).
So how does one recover after their life seems like it’s over? And this is not a dramatic statement. Your life seems over because that person WAS your life. When they walked out the door, every moment you gave them, hours long conversations you shared, and emotions you invested, walked out the door with them. If you were physically intimate you became “one” and now there are soul ties (Genesis 2:24), making you feel as if your other half is gone. As if you are no longer a whole person. It is one of the most emotionally painful feelings in the world to feel as if you’ve lost yourself.
I don’t believe anyone can know how deeply he or she felt about a person until that person is removed from his or her life. All of a sudden you find yourself behaving in ways you never thought you were capable of. I can relate to this. I’ve never physically assaulted someone but surely attempted to do so when I found myself on the receiving end of heartbreak. The degree of pain may vary from one person to the next but there is one thing that remains the same across the board for healing to flow.
That one thing is time.
Sure, you can jump into a new relationship thinking that will help you get over your last love, but that will only add more baggage to your soul. More than likely you’ll subconsciously make the new guy pay for the old guys’ actions. And if you’re new guy isn’t healed than your new romance is just a time bomb waiting to explode. So take time for yourself. Time to get know you and be honest with yourself about your poor judgment which led to this tragic end. Also, use this time to shed off the old habits you unknowingly took up as a result of hanging out with that special someone 24-7. It’s natural to develop someone else’s tastes and preferences when you’ve been hanging out with them for a lengthy period of time. We do this with friends and even more so with romantic relationships. But now it’s time you understand your identity and separate from the things that were a part of his’. So, for example, if you guys had this special “hangout” spot you frequently visited, I would say take a break from it… indefinitely.
In addition to taking out time for you (and refraining from a new romance), surround yourself with healthy life-giving relationships. Hopefully you didn’t drop all of your friends as a result of your relationship. But even if you did, if they’re your real friends, they’ll take you back. It’s so helpful to have a community of folks to offer you love and friendship when that special someone did the exact opposite. When someone breaks your heart, often we unconsciously receive the message of rejection. And because they meant so much to us, that rejection can seem to be the truth, as if we deserved to be rejected. But the truth is everyone is worthy of acceptance. Immerse yourself in a group of individuals who understand that and will love on you unconditionally. Its also helpful if this group is patient enough to listen to you verbally process your pain. From my experience, it’s pretty common for the old beau’s name to enter the conversation multiple times a day for a period of time.
More specifically, this community should consist of older leaders and mentors. As a teenager I thought I knew everything (heck, even now I struggle with that mindset). But as I get older I’m learning that my elders really do have wisdom. Wisdom gained from doing life a lot longer than me. During my time of recovery I had some great spiritual leaders in my life. We didn’t just talk at church but we did life together. I was often over someone’s house, with their kids, around their families, just hanging out. I desperately needed that. I had a huge hole in my heart and being with them proved to be instrumental in closing it up.
Additionally, practice looking forward to the future, instead of backwards to your past. There was a reason the relationship ended. You need to remind yourself of that so that you don’t cause yourself additional unnecessary heartache by being entangled in the relationship again.
These are just a few of the things I can see that assisted me in my healing. There’s no formula really, as everyone is different. But I do think implementing these practices will be helpful in your journey to overcome heartache. The bad news is, you’re broken hearted. The good news is, it won’t last forever. The most painful times in our lives can be used to make us wiser, more mature, more compassionate and more humble. If we heal from them, that is. Otherwise we’ll just be bitter and angry.
Its important to note that heartache can not only be a result of someone breaking up with you, but it can result in you having to give that person up because you know they are not good for you, even if you still love them, as was the case with me.
As much as I never want to go through that life experience again, I can honestly say that heartache proved to be a catalyst to propel me deeper into my purpose in God. For me to shed off the things which were hindering my true identity in Him. Let it be the same for you.
Have you experienced heartache? If so, what were some of the things you did that helped you heal? If not, what life decisions have you made which have helped to protect you from this experience?
P.S, Feel free to email me: firstname.lastname@example.org if you want to talk further on this topic, thanks!