A Letter to My Single Brothers

writing a letter

I’m not a man so I can’t fathom the temptation to engage a beautiful, godly, woman in conversation.  To proceed with texting her, calling her, and showering her with terms of endearment (via social media or otherwise), all the while having no intention to commit to her.  I can’t possibly fathom that temptation.

I’m not a man so I don’t know what it’s like when passivity is more desirable than responsibility.  When fear outweighs your innate purpose to lead, and your insecurity in leading prevents you from marrying.

Let’s be honest man of God, you’re outnumbered in the body of Christ.  You have your pick of the litter.  It goes without saying you will attract a flock of women simply because… You. Are. Rare.  Your drive and devotion to the Most High is attractive.  Your heart to do God’s will is precious.  Your love for Jesus is amazing.  And yet you have not matured in the area of relating to women.  Relating to your sisters.  Your sisters whose hearts were created to be given away, but due to your inability to commit, they are forced to face the daily struggle of guarding their own hearts themselves.  This struggle is ferocious.

I’m not a man, so as a woman I can only create my own interpretation of the reason for your immaturity.

Reason #1: You were wounded.  You once dated someone who you finally gave your heart to.  You trusted her.  You thought she was “the one”.  Our society teaches us that men are weak if they are in love (this is a myth, by the way).  Men are to have sex, not be in love.  But you did.  You fell in love and it was wonderful.  But then she broke your heart right along with your ego.  Your pride was crushed, and in the secret compartments of your being, you promised to never let her in again.  And every woman, whom you encountered after that woman, became her.  The one who conquered and broke your heart.

Reason #2: You were a player before Jesus.  You played the game so well in the world you’re not even aware that you brought the game into the church.  You deceived yourself into believing that because you’re not sleeping with these women, you’re not hurting them (that’s a lie too, by the way).  But I can assure you, you would have done them more of a service had you slept with them and never called them again.  Then, at least, they would know your real motive was only to use them and discard them.  The game you’re playing now, only keeps them believing that you indeed have honorable intentions towards them.  The fact that you have not physically consummated your relationship, misleads them into thinking you actually respect them.  But true respect is giving them the commitment they deserve, or else being honest that you are not ready for such a commitment (if the latter, man up and commit).

Reason #3: Maybe you are just lonely.  Please, if that is the case, than get a dog.  If you already have a dog, buy another one.  Don’t use a woman’s sensitive nature and compassion to your advantage.  Trust me when I say, you are just ruining her for the real thing.  There will be a time when she needs to share her heart with the right man.  To trust that man with her heart and because of your shenanigans she’ll be too fearful and wounded to do so.

Out of all the scriptures you’ve learned, try committing this one to memory:  1 Thessalonians 4:6 “…no one should take advantage of and defraud his brother…”  The definition of defraud is: to swindle, cheat, rob, embezzle, deceive, dupe, hoodwink, double-cross and trick.  While the English use of this word is mostly associated with monetary robbery, I believe God considers the hearts of His daughters to be worth more than any earthly treasure.  Don’t you?

The context of the passage that this verse is found in is addressing sexual immorality and stealing physical intimacy.  But Christ said that if you even look at a woman sexually, you are an adulterer.  If you hate a man in your heart you have murdered him and are a murderer.  So I say, if you steal from your sister her emotions and time and energy, you are a thief.  The thief is to pay back 7 times what he has stolen.

This letter is not addressed to every single man of God.  It is only for those who need to awaken to the defrauding they are committing against their sisters in the Lord.  I understand single men and women are learning how to develop healthy and appropriate friendships.  We are not 100% sure what those look like but we can be sure of what they do not look like.  They do not cause the woman to feel empty, depleted or used in the midst of, or at the culmination of the “friendship”.

Just as a married man is to protect and honor his wife by being faithful to her, you, single man of God, are to clearly communicate your intentions to your sister and guard her heart.  In doing so, you will not only preserve her for her future spouse, you will glorify your Father in heaven.

In Love & Truth,

Your  Sister, Nicole

By Nicole D. Miller

Nicole D. Miller is an author and heartfelt writer, as expressed on her blog Better Than Wine. Her books are published at nicoledmiller.com and on Amazon. She loves all things “old school” hip-hop and R&B, along with any outfit that involves cute boots and thick scarves. She even manages to run her own bookkeeping business (www.abnbookkeepingllc.com) when she’s not cuddling her cute cat she fondly calls, “Squeaks”.


  1. Applause….and thank you for articulating the frustrations of the single women’s plight 😉

  2. This is an excellent post! You address a serious issue that occurs way too often. Men come to church and pursue one sister after the other. Not only can it hurt the heart of each woman, but it can cause a divide between those women as well. They are then left to find a way to continue to fellowship together after falling for the same guy. I have seen it and it’s not pretty. Although men are often the pursuers, I believe they too need to wait on God until they have sincere heartfelt direction.

    I’ll be sharing your sight on my resources page if that is okay. I can’t believe I haven’t done it already! What’s wrong with me??? (Smiles)

  3. Thanks so much Candra! Unfortunately I have witnessed brothers engaging in “emotional affairs” more often than I can count…these women believe the man is sincerely pursuing them and will commit to them and yet they are left in the same state they were when the relationship began…single. I believe it’s a lack of maturity on the men’s part stemming from fear of commitment and the passivity that Adam displayed in the garden of Eden. A women’s heart is so sensitive, it doesn’t take much for her to start planning a wedding after a first date. THe man playing games only adds fuel to the fire. Thanks for reading!!! And for sharing on your blog! Means A LOT 🙂

  4. I do not agree with this part “But I can assure you, you would have done them more of a service had you slept with them and never called them again.” Totally understand what you mean but knowing women who went through this, it makes me want to throw up. I rather them not call a sis and let her cry and recover.. Than a man ruin her temple, and she his, ouch. Again, I understand that line.

    Other than that, you have preached and represented Single Christian Women well.*Snap Snap* I unfortunately was the woman described in your post, defrauded to the max. Be intentional men and women!
    God bless!

  5. Thanks for the feedback. I can see how that statement taken out of context can cause hurt to someone. I def was not condoning fornication or using a woman for her body, only trying to make men aware that emotional defrauding is just as traumatic for women as physical defrauding. Hopefully that message came across in context. Sadly, there are many men who do not understand that both acts can be equally as devastating to women. I’m not sure if it’s because we, the body, do not discuss such matters enough, or these particular men are just in denial and resistant to repentance…

  6. This is beautiful and powerful, Woman of God. I’ve been blessed to be married for 32 years to a man who loves me and treats me with respect, and I can’t tell you what it does to my heart, when I see a woman suffering in a relationship that is clearly going nowhere, while the man enjoys himself at her expense, enjoying all of the perks of marriage, while giving nothing of himself to her. It breaks my heart for those women, who are not yet mature enough in the Lord to understand just how precious they are to the Almighty, and so they willingly and even gratefully settle for so much less than what God has for them.

    It breaks my heart to see the men who take advantage of these women, because while some know exactly what they are doing, there are many who have no idea what they are doing by harming woman after woman. They don’t realize whatever they do to the least of these women, they are doing to their Creator, and that they will one day have to answer to Him for the damage they caused in so many lives…

    And then there are the children… little boys and girls are growing up fatherless… little boys learn at an early age to disrespect the women in their lives… little girls learn at an early age to cheapen themselves… to settle for less…

    Thank you for the bold, yet loving word you spoke here, and God bless you as you continue to minister!


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