Lord Help My Unbelief

  

Faith can be a tricky thing. The world’s view of a Christian’s faith is that of a person declaring they believe in Christ as Lord as opposed to Allah or following the teachings of Buddha or the many other religions that are out there. Even some churches may hold the view that faith is a onetime profession that gets you into the pearly gates securing your afterlife of pure bliss. But I’m learning, faith is a journey. One that takes you from glory to glory. In my journey it has been evident that there is no onetime anything. It is day to day. Test to test. A flow of happenings eventually pieced together to paint a picture of His intention toward me. A good intention, but one that simply can’t be accomplished w/o the power of Holy Spirit. To my discouragement. As I typically, subconsciously will try to do the works of Holy Spirit myself only to learn it’s impossible w/o Him.  I need His faith (Gal 2:20).  Not just the faith that gave me salvation as a child and filled me with the power of the Holy Spirit at age 19. But a faith that is cultivated and deepened in an unashamed dependency on Him b/c where I am weak, He is strong. So when I found myself in the arms of a perfect stranger, letting him do what it is men do in those circumstances, I had to take a step back. How did I get in this position? Because these things don’t just happen. At least not with someone who has been intentionally single. Sure there is the typical issue of lust and human desire and even pride. But as I let Holy Spirit lead me in reflection of peeling back the layers there was one answer that was staring boldly at me.  
Unbelief.  

I fell due to unbelief. As the days turned into months and the months turned into years, His promises that were so clear to me last year faded away. I became once again self-reliant and my self-reliance puffed me up and my pride gave way to disbelief.

There is such a delicate balance waiting upon the Lord and living a life of fullness and purpose. How do you fully engage in your present and still have expectation of your future? That is always my struggle and I’m not sure if anyone has the answer. Everyone’s story seems to be so different. As much as I desire there is no one else I can go to. I have to walk this out.  

My friend told me no one wants a perfect story. Others can relate to failure. In my head I know that’s true but my heart still doesn’t get it. I hate being messy. I hate flaws. I hate failing.  

I want the perfect story.

But even today I keep hearing Him say, “I don’t see your weaknesses the way that you see them. I see your weaknesses as opportunity.”

It is in this opportunity He is being glorified. Through my story. The one that is so not perfect.

He is faithful.  

I came across a pretty good discussion on singles and sexuality you can check out here if you’re interested.

 SHALOM

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