Many years ago I was pretty much desperate to be in a committed relationship. I hate to use that word but it’s pretty accurate. I was needy and codependent and did not know my identity. When you’re in a state like that you’re liable to accept anything. And so I did. Thankfully God got a hold of me pretty young and though I made a lot of poor choices they could have been worse. Much worse.
It’s been a journey of learning what Love is and who He is and who I am. This journey has been an ebb and flow of emotion and passion and pain. Mostly because of who I am and how I have functioned. It’s only now in this season that my vocabulary has words to describe what it is I have experienced with God. It was passion. But it was passion because I was passionate. Yes I was desperate, but I became desperate for Him.
Yet my affection for Christ was rivaled and though I loved Him I still loved my idols. The only way I knew to become free from those idols was to be “all in” with Christ. Kind of like the way my city has been “all in” for the CAVS (Go Cleveland!).
I have always been intense and driven and goal-oriented. Jesus became my goal and I wanted to do everything I could to “get to Him”. My heart was sincere and He met me where I was. But I didn’t have the healthiest ways along this journey. My intense, serious, single-mindedness served its purpose, but it also hindered me.
It caused me anxiety. It caused me to fear the One who loves me the most. It misshaped my view of Him, His love and His path which, although narrow, is not a burden. It kept me in bondage.
For a long time I just wanted “the one”. But then 10+ years later “the one” never came and instead there were tests and trials and pruning. I can see the wisdom in him not showing up but still, those things can take their toll. Even with the Holy Spirit. So now I find myself here after those tests and difficult choices and I see the fruit. I also attempt to find a better way at functioning. One that is not so “black and white” because in my 30s I’m learning life is never black and white. Yes, I am still waiting on “the one” but what does my waiting look like? I don’t think it looks like it did in the past when I was not allowed certain experiences because I couldn’t be trusted with them. I’m more apt these days to think it looks more like saying “yes” than saying “no” (even though when saying that there is still doubt). It looks more like finding balance and embracing the opportunities to meet others, connect and value them as people, not use them to satisfy my own selfish desires.
I’m more apt to lean more toward the casual and less toward the heavy commitment. At least for now.
And if I’m wrong, well He’ll do what He always does: steer me back on the path. But if I’m right, I will have grown more, developed more and become more balanced. Which I believe has been His goal from the beginning. Even when I wasn’t aware. Especially when I wasn’t aware.
At the parade!