So I’m on Day 8 of the True Love Dates Challenge and I really appreciated today’s lesson. Debra Fileta recommended writing out the 2 versions of our story in this stage of life. She encourages this b/c she wants you to see that there are always 2 perceptions we can have in life. The key to being content is focusing on the “brighter side” most of the time. I realized that publically I focus on the brighter side b/c I want others to be encouraged. I am grieved when others are discouraged and believe the lies of the enemy. Still, doing this exercise freed me to understand that I don’t always have to see the positive side. I can admit there is a negative side that is just as valid. I of course desire to focus on the bright side b/c I know that is the side God focuses on. I have decided to share my bright side and not so bright side with you and I hope you are also choosing to live from your bright side.
On another note, you can check out my latest guest blog post on “Abundantly You in Christ Jesus” here: “Singleness: A Time for Self Examination”. SHALOM!
Not so bright side:
My job. I have been in this position for 8 years but the struggle rose in year 4 when the work slowed and got even worse in year 5 once I graduated from grad school and did not get promoted. Not only that but I went through a rocky path of waiting and humility and unemployment before getting here. I find myself facing more testing in these areas on top of the testing I’ve already been through. It grieves my soul and I often cry out for release but it does not come. I am unchallenged professionally which is very difficult given my personality and I have faced many difficulties with my boss. Others look at me not understanding why I am here. My mom doesn’t understand either and often asks me about it. I have grad student loans to pay for but do not have the increase in salary to justify the additional expenses. I’m living on my own and all financial burden is on me. Even though I have a 2nd room in my home I have been unable to get a roommate to cut back on living expenses. I have been unable to move on in my career and am in a waiting period with the Lord. I wonder if it will ever end. I struggle with the desire for marriage and having a family of my own. I have let go of 2 very important relationships in this season of singleness that I never thought would last this long. Just when I thought I had waited long enough and done all that God asked, He asked for more. A year after giving up the relationship I desired I am facing the very thing I did not want to face: singleness. My longtime friend has shut off all communication with me. After experiencing a lot of trauma in the home the season ended with no closure and no reconciliation. I have a history of abandonment and rejection and this situation is a repeat of past situations. I struggle with my relationship with loved ones. I realize we have functioned in codependency for most of my life and old wounds and hurts still surface. I have never felt this alone in my life. Anxiety and fear have been a constant issue and have even led me to feel disconnected from God. That has been the worst feeling of all.
My job is my spiritual assignment. God has made it so clear I am in His will and being in His will is the best place to be. I have favor and love from my coworkers and the management team. I realize a lot of my issues with my boss were due to my own lack of respect and humility. Since I have humbled myself things have gotten better. During the down time at work I have started this blog, written one book, and now use most of the time for reflection. This season of reflection has grown me so much in my character and healed me so much in my heart. God has made it clear I am not to get a roommate in this season b/c I need this time alone in my home. This time alone is healing me from the past trauma I experienced in my home. My job gives me a good salary and not only have I been able to throw a fabulous book release party I have also paid off my car, a small student loan and taken much needed trips. It gives me the lifestyle I desire and in a time of unemployment and layoffs God has given me job security. I also have a great work BFF who gets me through those rougher days. My friend shutting me out of her life was actually one of the best things that could have happened to me. It opened my eyes to the cycle of dysfunction that had been in my life for decades. It was the wakeup call I needed to implement boundaries and become a healthy person. It has been the catalyst for me to grow and learn that others’ decisions are not about me and I can’t take things personally. I also believe God will bring healing and restoration in our relationship in due time. After laying down the romantic relationship I wanted last year, God poured out wisdom, revelation, understanding and knowledge. He set me on a path of understanding why He said “no” and showed me what I needed to look for in a spouse. He has also shown me the purpose of being single and it is to become a whole person and not lose my identity in a relationship. He is bringing forth restoration in my relationships with my loved ones and is helping me to heal from past trauma. He has promised this is a new season (Isaiah 43:19) and He is helping us to function in a healthier manner. He has also promised to bring restoration so that it will be as if the past trauma never happened (Joel 2:25). He is working it all for my good and to bring forth the whole person He originally intended for me to be. In this season, He has brought me new friendships and even helped older ones grow deeper. He has kept me supported with community and given me a safe place to heal in. He is defining to me what is safe so that I do not fall back into old pain-inducing behaviors. I am greatly encouraged by the people He has given me to do life with and the people He is using to keep me moving forward. Though I am still recovering from pain, I am encouraged and healing. My social life has been on a high for years now and I am in the best physical shape I have ever been in my life. God has made me disciplined, focused and is manifesting more healing and wholeness than I’ve ever experienced. I finally understand His ways. I finally see that He is for me and not against me. Though I am alone, I do not feel lonely. He has delivered me from the emptiness and neediness that made singleness so painful all those years. I am finally experiencing His fulfillment in those previously empty places. I am finally seeing with His eyes.