What I’m Learning

I used to be that girl on the outside looking in. Feeling left behind and unloved. It felt like everyone was moving ahead of me and I had no chance of catching up. There was no movement and the waiting was endless. But then things changed and God gave me new eyes to see. His eyes. He gave me a higher perspective and showed me I wasn’t missing out on anything. In fact, what I was seeing previously was a host of lies and deception. 

So being single wasn’t the issue. 

My neediness, lack of identity, and lack of fulfillment in Him were. Now there are a host of resources at my fingertips encouraging me in this season. Teaching me that I need to work on me first. I need to know my past and how it has affected my present. I need to figure out that the true purpose of a relationship is not for fulfillment but for companionship. 

Only my Father can fulfill all of my needs. 

It is one thing to know that in your head. It is quite another to walk out this truth after 30+ years of codependency. I have been fighting a raging battle within myself for 10 years. But now I know why.  

In addition to having understanding, the other  blessing is that Im not fighting alone. I have community who is coming into this same understanding. And we are working on ourselves. We are working through our issues. We are learning about wholeness. Just last year I did not know what wholeness was. But now I do.

My wholeness is about my satisfaction and fulfillment in Christ alone. It is me waking up in the morning and knowing I am loved by Him and I do not need anyone else to love me b/c His love is unconditional. It is me seeing His love through my loved ones when they love me unconditionally. It is me not being needy or desperate b/c I don’t feel loved. It is me no longer feeling empty inside like I am missing something (or someone).  It is me getting excited to put on a new outfit and do my hair and make-up and attend the latest social event on my social calendar (which seems to always be full). It is being surrounded with loved ones and not once thinking about my single status b/c it just doesn’t even matter b/c of the love and fullness I feel on the inside (thank you Lord!).

I’m at the place now where I can feel confident and amazing and intelligent and beautiful when out and about. I can feel like I’m “that girl” and I’m good all by myself when dialoguing with others. I did not always feel that way. I did not have an answer when I was asked “why are you (still) single?” as if I were lacking something or I had an illness. I have made great progress even in just the first 6 months of this year.

But now I am working on how I feel when I am alone. When no one is looking. That is when my brokenness is seen. It is seen in my thought life when anxiety plagues me over and over again with the cares of this world. I am now at least aware of this anxiety. And I fight to speak truth to myself over the lies of worry. I realize it is a fight. There is no easy way to manifest this healing and wholeness and restoration. But I have HOPE that it will show itself strong on the day to day path I walk in obedience to Him.  

I am seeing myself as He sees me. And it is reflecting in my life journey.

Isaiah 58

Then your light shall break forth like the morning,

Your healing shall spring forth speedily,

And your righteousness shall go before you;

The glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard.

9 Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer;

You shall cry, and He will say, ‘Here I am.

The Lord will guide you continually,

And satisfy your soul in drought,

And strengthen your bones;

You shall be like a watered garden,

And like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.

12 Those from among you

Shall build the old waste places;

You shall raise up the foundations of many generations;

And you shall be called the Repairer of the Breach,

The Restorer of Streets to Dwell In.

My friend and I this weekend 😊  

By Nicole D. Miller

Nicole D. Miller is an author and heartfelt writer, as expressed on her blog Better Than Wine. Her books are published at nicoledmiller.com and on Amazon. She loves all things “old school” hip-hop and R&B, along with any outfit that involves cute boots and thick scarves. She even manages to run her own bookkeeping business (www.abnbookkeepingllc.com) when she’s not cuddling her cute cat she fondly calls, “Squeaks”.


  1. Yes! And yes! Nicole, this is something I also dealt with while single. Fantastically enough, I still fight this good fight in marriage. It can be really easy to project your needs on your husband. I constantly have to be reminded that my husband can never fulfill me. Only God can. I can’t look to him or my kids for complete happiness or satisfaction.

    When Im alone, I sometimes wonder who I am. My identity has become so wrapped up in being a wife and mother, that I forget who Jocelynn is. Just Jocelynn.

    Anyway, lol I appreciate your heart for sharing. 🙂

    1. Wow tx for ur transparency!! I am alone ALOT in this season and am prompted continuously by Holy Spirit to find my identity in Him alone and it has been challenging. Though some days are better than others. No longer can I hide in relationships or friendships or my career. I truly feel naked before Him. But I know though I feel vulnerable this is the best place to be. His grace is sufficient in each season to complete His work in us!

  2. So good, Nicole! I love what you said about wholeness in Him. He is the answer to our identity questions and I, like you and Jocelynn, struggle with this too. Especially, when things are not going “my way.”

    Thank you for sharing this post. So encouraging. I’m going to add Isaiah 58 to my reading when I am feeling a little anxious. Another good one is James 1:2-8.

    1. Tx for reading Simone! Im always so blessed by your feedback! Im learning that wholeness encompasses healing and restoration and restoration brings us back to our original state in Him before the fall. This was accomplished on the cross (thank you Lord). This life is the journey of manifesting that restoration.

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