This weekend I took down some pictures in my home. I had been thinking about it from time to time and just never got around to it. I knew that Holy Spirit had told me the season has changed and that my b day marked a new beginning for me. A new cycle. A new season. I would see these pics from time to time and feel very much removed from them. I knew the individuals they displayed were alive and well but they were different. They had changed. I had changed. So I removed the pictures and put up new pictures of the “now” season. Ones that showed the people who are currently doing life with me now. Who are growing and changing with me and not different from me. It is such a blessing to have these people seeking wholeness so that we can discontinue our less mature ways of functioning which just resulted in hurt and pain for all parties involved. My decision to remove these pictures was further confirmed when I saw I was defriended on facebook. Still, it pained me to see. I seek Holy Spirit with my pain and know that He is just taking me deeper in Him. Deeper intimacy and revelation. Deeper dependency. This was further confirmed by a ministering couple I’m getting a lot from these days. They shared there are people in our lives we just cannot take into our new seasons. As painful as it is. Those people were there with us for so long. They were a key part of our victory in the past seasons. But in this new season, I have to fight for my true self to be revealed. I cannot be distracted with the false and individuals who are choosing to function in the false. Christ is showing this to me now only after first teaching me the importance of bearing with someone no matter what. Of loving unconditionally.
There is a time and season for everything. Elohim is giving me a grace to reveal the true. It is hard. It is vulnerable and painful because for so long I was dependent in unhealthy ways. And slowly, over the last 2 years, He was removing the dependencies. He was exposing the false and asking me to choose.
“Nicole, will you continue depending on the false? Or will You trust me and choose the new? Choose the unseen? Choose Me?”
I can never deny Him. I fight and struggle and kick and scream but in the end, He has my heart. He reveals His love and faithfulness.
I keep telling myself that as I walk alone, one day the pain will be gone and the new will be fully revealed. I am in transition. But I have been here before and the pain ended. And the new was established.
Pain is always temporary.
His healing is always promised.
I remember after breaking up with my ex, I had a vision in my mind of what Nicole being healed would look like. I fought for that healing. Every day for 4 years, I pushed forward, not looking back and followed the Lord’s leading. And that vision came to pass. Now the vision in my heart is the vision of Nicole being whole. I wake up in the morning with my thoughts and realize how toxic they are. Full of fear, anxiety and selfishness. I practice renewing my mind. I practice seeking Him and focusing on His presence and intimacy. He will keep those in perfect peace whose minds are stayed on Him. I know He is training me and one day I will wake up and it will be such a discipline that I will immediately focus on Him and His intimacy and not, “when will I get married?” For so long I thought marriage was the goal. Even after experiencing these greater levels of Him and His revelation and blessings. Marriage was still the idol. But now I realize, it is my true self being revealed that is the goal. And my desire for marriage was tainted with a desire to hide my true self just as Adam did after sinning in the garden. It is seeing Christ and reflecting His image of wholeness and restoration that is the goal. And of course, He has promised, that as I put Him first, all of “these things” will be added onto me.
If you remember, keep me in your prayers in my journey of wholeness and I will do the same.
Here is the word Elohim used to confirm what He is teaching me in this season:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t50KQTFQdIw
SHALOM
