Yesterday I went home, turned up the heat, put the tea kettle on and lay on the couch in His presence (we are now in the single digits so this is my new winter routine). I had been battling in my heart for a few days. God said one thing and I had chosen another. Again. It seemed this test of surrender was never ending. I thought by passing the major test I was done. I was wrong. Instead I have received a string of smaller tests. Would I obey even when I didn’t want to? Even when I faced the fear of embarrassment? The fear of man? The fear? I let fear win and felt disconnected from His love. How I wished I could change my decision. But God was using my present circumstances to reveal the deception of my own heart.
I reached out to my spiritual father. I knew I needed sound, non-emotional input on what I was experiencing. I sent him a text, “Can I call you after work tonight? I need wise counsel”. Ever the good father he replied instantly “of course”. We spoke and I treasured this relationship with every word exchanged. Fatherhood is near and dear to my heart. God made me to value this unique bond between a daughter and her father. He also made me for intimacy and so the lack of intimacy with Him felt like the worse plight I could have possibly received. After our conversation, I had more peace. And the next night, there was finally a break through. God’s love is amazing. There is nothing like it. And once you have tasted His intimacy and presence, nothing else can suffice. “You are the Source” I told Him as I lay on the couch. He really is. We try to get by with people and things but nothing fulfills us. Only His word. His intimacy. His love.
I was reminded of a word my biological father gave to me, “I wish I could be dependent on God the way you are”. A part of me was honored he viewed me that way, but the overwhelming part of my heart was bewildered. “Who would want this???” I thought. It required so much sacrifice and surrender. All I felt was pain.
But all he saw was the fruit.
Having gone without what I previously knew to be my life line these last 3 days, I see his point. To be utterly dependent and reliant on God is worth a thousand lifetimes. My own ego, pride, stubbornness and independence have been slowly carved out over time and dwindled down to the very essence of oneness with Him. The cost of this intimacy? Worth every point of surrender. Worth every sacrifice. Worth every moment of waiting. As long as I can experience the fullness of his love for all eternity. And each day before then.