Four years ago I couldn’t have imagined that I would become entangled in this way. Not with him that is…And every meeting pushes me further and further away from my goal which is Christ. To live for Him, to surrender to His will, to walk with Him. Instead my spiritual compass is sporadically pointing in every direction and much like Hansel and Gretel I’ve lost my way from home.
In hindsight I see the back door I left wide open for the enemy to come in. I see the very calculated plan laid out for my own destruction. I see it and yet the entanglement is still there. And now feelings are developing that should have never existed. Hearts are not guarded and sin is lurking just around the corner at every late night meeting. The very things I was hurt by I am doing and I don’t see the way out. Just like the one I love, the one who hurt me, the one who couldn’t and can’t seem to find her way out. One positive occurrence from this whole experience is I am learning unconditional love and to forgive myself. I am no longer a friend of condemnation and I wake up each morning un-condemned.
If that isn’t progress I don’t know what is. Because in the past the sin would have defined me but now I just look up to the sky and say “Father, get me out of this”. Without a doubt it will have to be His doing.
When I was in undergrad, for the first time in my academic career I struggled fiercely with my grades. I couldn’t seem to gain understanding on the subjects and the more I strived to understand, the more there seemed to be confusion. I know now that the Lord was frustrating my ability to comprehend and that He was removing my natural ability to learn. He wanted to teach me that it was Him that had given me that intelligence all the way up from pre-school when I learned my multiplication tables. Unbeknownst to me I had believed the lie that I was the reason I had done so well academically; but in truth He was and is my intelligence (He is everything we need Him to be). It is His gift of intelligence that He had given and at that time taken away. It humbled me indeed; being weak in the very area I was always strong in. And then in grad school, out of this humility I fully depended on Him in my studies and I THRIVED. He restored my intelligence, discipline and love of knowledge and I felt as if I were FLYING. This season is teaching me that humility is a necessity in this walk with Him. When we are doing well in an area in our lives it is because of Him. All good and perfect things come from Him. Unfortunately, I forgot to practice this spiritual lesson I learned in undergrad in other parts of my life and I subconsciously became puffed up once again, thinking that my success was somehow due to my own strength.
Now out of my weakness I am faced with the inflammation of love awakened prematurely.
Desires, and feelings of loneliness swarm around my heart and distract me from my purpose, leading me to seek out false comforts. The resistance I demonstrate is few and far between and I wonder how all of this will end. Not well, I know for sure. But that being said, I know that God has promised to make it work for my good. I know that He is eternal and he sees things from the end to the beginning. I know that everyday I can start over and Flame’s “start over” has confirmed this word in my spirit. There is nothing too ugly for God and nothing surprises Him. He is in this thing with us for the long haul. He is cheering for us and loving on us every step of the way. Even when we choose to turn our back on Him. He has promised to lead us home to Himself, even if it seems we are taking the longer way…
To Check out Steven Curtis Chapman’s song with the same title click here.