He caught me off guard. I thought, “he’s not into me…he’s looking at me like a sister…I’m safe”.
I was wrong.
Suddenly the friendly evening banter turned into sexual suggestions, painting vivid pictures of erotic positions in my mind’s eye. I fought the urge not to lean into him but gave into the desire to rest my arm around his shoulders. As if we were a couple. As if he were mine. The bottle of wine we had shared earlier that evening was taking affect. My senses were dulled. My guard was crumbling. Didn’t matter that we were amongst friends…that we were not alone. Because if I gave in to the lust that was beckoning me I would easily find a way into seclusion to satisfy the desires I thought were long gone.
First mistake, sexual desire is never gone. It’s just submitted to Holy Spirit so that it can be awakened at the proper time. I.E…in the context of marriage.
“Lord, please keep me”. A feeble attempt at prayer. At remembering who I really am. “Just keep talking Nicole”, I told myself, “and don’t lean in to him. As much as your body wants to fill that crook in his side with your own person, don’t do it”. That was all I could do, because I had already broken so many rules. The rules that I intentionally made for myself so that I wouldn’t end up in this very situation. The same situation I had found myself in once too many times before.
I made it through the night unscathed, but just barely. My emotions were stirred more than my members because what I really wanted was for the one that God had purposed to be my husband to be sitting next to me, sharing a bottle of wine, talking into the night. I knew this man wanted sex, and like most females I desired to give him what he wanted so that I could get what I wanted…companionship…intimacy. But clearly it never works out that way. When a woman gives a man sex outside of the context of marriage, most men disregard her shortly after the encounter. They came, they saw, they conquered. Sadly, I know this from experience.
Recently a friend and I were discussing sexual temptation and I compared sex to an addiction to alcohol. Sex (outside of marriage) can be just as addictive and destructive as abusing alcohol. I truly believe this. And as is the case in AA (alcoholics anonymous), when facing sexual temptation, sponsors are a necessity. Someone you can call when you want to take that drink…or in this case, have sex.
This event was a huge wake up call for me. 8 years of abstinence is my testimony by the very grace of God. Humility is a necessity to avoid falling into the ditches of sin that are hidden on every turn of this path of life with Christ.
There will always be temptation. But there will also always be a way out. It is up to us to take the way out that is offered.
I’m learning that we cannot fight temptation. We were not asked to. But we were in fact told to flee it.
My name is Nicole Miller. I struggle with sexual temptation. I’m 8 years sober.
How about you? How long have you been sober? What are personal boundaries that you have set for yourself that have kept you walking in purity?
Thank you for your honesty and transparency 🙂 I especially like the line about humility…God help us all!
one day at a time 🙂
God bless you Nicole, for being so open and honest — so vulnerable. My friend, part of humility is a willingness to confess our sins, and admit that we too, struggle and sometimes fall. Though I struggle with sin in different areas of my life, the fact is that sin is sin to God, and I praise God for always providing us with a way out.
One more thing, my friend, and you probably already know this, but others may not… When you openly confess your sins and your shortcomings as you did here, you remove a powerful weapon from the enemy, because one of the ways he uses to trip us up is to threaten us with exposure. You took that weapon away from him by sharing your testimony, so that he can not bring fear to you by threatening to expose your sin, because you already confessed it and moved beyond it! Also, in doing this, and sharing your testimony, you also helped to arm others who are also struggling. Yes, my friend, you struck a mighty blow into the enemy’s camp, thanks be to God!
Much love to you,
Thanks so much for your words of wisdom Cheryl! I did not see it that way, although I have experienced healing from deep wounds as a result of being transparent 🙂 I was very nervous to write this post but knew it was a necessity to give the whole picture of my walk with Christ on this blog. It really is His strength in our weakness that makes us victorious. It really is the blood He shed that paid the price for our sins so that we are now blameless in His sight. I really hope others are helped in knowing they are not alone. So grateful for your feedback and encouragement!!