I’ve learned in this season I have a natural propensity to say “no”. And not even through any fault of my own. Simply genetics and the fall of mankind have influenced me in that way. Without me realizing it if someone asks me a “yes or no” question I will automatically want to lean towards the “no”. Add to that the many times I have desired harmful things and God has said “no” or “wait” or “not now”. Can you imagine how that mental wiring has shaped my view of the Father? Not in a good way I will tell you. Though I have known His love, fellowship and intimacy, I subconciously felt it was conditional. “Nicole, if you do this than I will do this”, is how I interpreted His “no”. And then of course there are certain scriptures that can be interpreted the same; that somehow we will lose His love if we do not obey. It is only in this season that that way of functioning finally took its toll on me. I realized something is wrong here. The way I am functioning does not line up with scripture. The Word says we now have PEACE with God. Why do I not have peace???
So I challenged my own view and went into a period of battle within myself. Turns out that view rooted in fear was not just a generational stronghold but one that webbed its way all the way to my African ancestors. And also of course all the way to the fall of mankind.
But in the midst of that battle and my own revelation of false ways of functioning, doors started opening. They started opening in my career and even in my dating life. Things were happening that I had desired for a long time.
God was saying “yes”.
Last night I met with a couple who hired me on the spot. I am officially now a consultant. I once again have multiple streams of income. God is grooming me for entrepreneurship and as uncomfortable as it is, it is clear this is the only way for me. I tried and tried to take the “normal” path. I looked at my peers and did not understand why I was not receiving the benefits of these degrees. Why was I consistently being humbled and feeling stuck? Finally there is movement and I can start to see the shape of what He has been forming.
Who He has been forming.
So even though it makes me nervous and I have to make an extra effort to do so, when asked the question, I answer “yes”.
“Yes” I will write the book. “Yes” I will be the consultant. “Yes” I will go.
One of my besties visiting me…