Fear is a tricky thing. It is false and untrue but appears so real. For a long time I had a fear of singleness. Even after walking it out for 10 years, I feared the very thing I had already overcome. That is how the enemy does it; he tries to get you to fear something you already have victory over. Adam and Eve feared God was holding out on them. They feared they were not like Him, but they were made to be just like Him. They had no reason to fear.
What I have found in this season is that once you agree with one small fear (or lie) in your mind, it can snowball into a huge fear that rocks your faith so much you didn’t even know what hit you. Kind of like when Adam and Eve ate the fruit. They agreed with the lie. One small lie, and it cost all of humanity. Fear is a distraction and I didn’t see it as such until this latest attack of faith. I thought distractions came in the form of good-looking men, who were really into me and wanted to marry me but who were not my husband. I was ready for those men. I was ready b/c it had happened so many times before that I actually thought the enemy was so obvious in his attempts. But I did not see this kind of distraction coming. The kind that would challenge long held beliefs and mindsets.
I got to have lunch with a good friend today. We talked about this fear and how it has been rearing its ugly head in this season in both of our lives. We are seasoned warriors in this spiritual battle. Not as seasoned as some, but still seasoned. We have seen the gifts of the spirit made manifest, we have lived out of His presence, we have overcome many tests and battles, but we have never faced this kind of test. So we came together because His word says if 1 can put to flight 1,000, 2 can put to flight 10,000. We ate soup and caught up on life and parted ways saying that we would pray for one another. Prayer is such a great weapon of this warfare. So is His word.
Even though I have struggled in this season in my mind I do believe ultimately it is the Father’s will. He is awakening me to the false beliefs I have had in my faith. He is taking me back to the beginning. I am remembering that I did not call myself. I did not choose myself. I was minding my own business, doing my own thing, and woke up a new creature. I cannot possibly take credit for the transformation He has done in my life. It is His faith and His desire and His righteousness, not mine.
Somewhere along the way I started believing it was me. That I had to work out my own salvation, but I don’t believe that passage of scripture refers to works in and of ourselves. By grace we are saved and not of works lest any man should boast…
In other news, yesterday I went to a high school basketball game with a friend. I have not attended a high school game since I myself was in high school! Where does the time go?