Being Made

I was listening to a podcast this afternoon that really resonated with me. It talked about young women always having a crush and always wanting to be in a relationship. Story of my life. It seems there was always a man either in my life or in my heart. I remember in my mid 20s being physically single but not emotionally. I was holding out for a young man I was friends with. I believed with all my might this was “the one”. Unfortunately I believed that about several others. My saving grace with this young man was that I knew enough to know that if it was to be, he would pursue me. So I never said a word. And then he got engaged. And then he got married. And I was glad I had never said anything. God was merciful and did give me a heads up about the situation and I was able to let go of that idea prior to the marriage. But still, it HURT. It seems I was always getting hurt that way; putting my heart on the line, and wanting someone who was not for me. 9 years of singleness didn’t seem to deliver me from this unhealthy habit and I couldn’t seem to find that healthy space of being single of heart. Not until this year. What I realize now is that I had the idea of a relationship with a man in the wrong place in my heart. It was in the center. Truth be told I have had a lot of things in the center of my heart: men, jobs, dreams, aspirations, and goals. But just as God told me several years ago when I wanted that man and He said no, I understand His reasons for saying no is the same for all of these things.
“I will have no other gods before me”.

He told me that when I was at a funeral, worshipping Him. I was struggling with this latest emotional breakup and that was His response.

“I will have no other gods before me”.

It was a hard word for me. But character can only be built through adversity and this walk of singleness has been its own kind of adversity.

Finally this last year I have learned He is the center. He is for our fulfillment. Everyone and everything is just extra. But I had to walk out those 10 years, because I had to unravel the generational curses in my bloodline. I had to be refined and proven. That was the only way for me.

I see now the longing and emptiness I felt was from a lack of awareness of His fulfillment, His contentment, His satisfaction.

I read Psalm 63 and knew I did not know Him in the way the Psalmist did. “You God, are my God, earnestly I seek you; I thirst for You, my whole being longs for you in a dry and parched land where there is no water”. I looked at others and could discern their commitment to Him. I could discern that I was missing something.

He did not hold that against me. He did not condemn me. Instead He paved a path that would cultivate this Oneness with Him on my journey to wholeness.

I am still learning to trust Him with the desires of my heart. I am still learning His completion and contentment and oneness. But I have hope now that I will manifest His promises over me because of how far He has brought me. I have hope to be whole, to be complete and to not only receive the promise, but to be it.

SHALOM

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