Being Made

I was listening to a podcast this afternoon that really resonated with me. It talked about young women always having a crush and always wanting to be in a relationship. Story of my life. It seems there was always a man either in my life or in my heart. I remember in my mid 20s being physically single but not emotionally. I was holding out for a young man I was friends with. I believed with all my might this was “the one”. Unfortunately I believed that about several others. My saving grace with this young man was that I knew enough to know that if it was to be, he would pursue me. So I never said a word. And then he got engaged. And then he got married. And I was glad I had never said anything. God was merciful and did give me a heads up about the situation and I was able to let go of that idea prior to the marriage. But still, it HURT. It seems I was always getting hurt that way; putting my heart on the line, and wanting someone who was not for me. 9 years of singleness didn’t seem to deliver me from this unhealthy habit and I couldn’t seem to find that healthy space of being single of heart. Not until this year. What I realize now is that I had the idea of a relationship with a man in the wrong place in my heart. It was in the center. Truth be told I have had a lot of things in the center of my heart: men, jobs, dreams, aspirations, and goals. But just as God told me several years ago when I wanted that man and He said no, I understand His reasons for saying no is the same for all of these things.
“I will have no other gods before me”.

He told me that when I was at a funeral, worshipping Him. I was struggling with this latest emotional breakup and that was His response.

“I will have no other gods before me”.

It was a hard word for me. But character can only be built through adversity and this walk of singleness has been its own kind of adversity.

Finally this last year I have learned He is the center. He is for our fulfillment. Everyone and everything is just extra. But I had to walk out those 10 years, because I had to unravel the generational curses in my bloodline. I had to be refined and proven. That was the only way for me.

I see now the longing and emptiness I felt was from a lack of awareness of His fulfillment, His contentment, His satisfaction.

I read Psalm 63 and knew I did not know Him in the way the Psalmist did. “You God, are my God, earnestly I seek you; I thirst for You, my whole being longs for you in a dry and parched land where there is no water”. I looked at others and could discern their commitment to Him. I could discern that I was missing something.

He did not hold that against me. He did not condemn me. Instead He paved a path that would cultivate this Oneness with Him on my journey to wholeness.

I am still learning to trust Him with the desires of my heart. I am still learning His completion and contentment and oneness. But I have hope now that I will manifest His promises over me because of how far He has brought me. I have hope to be whole, to be complete and to not only receive the promise, but to be it.

SHALOM

By Nicole D. Miller

Nicole D. Miller is an author and heartfelt writer, as expressed on her blog www.betterthanwine.net. Her books are published at nicoledmiller.com and on Amazon. She loves all things “old school” hip-hop and R&B, along with any outfit that involves cute boots and thick scarves. She even manages to run her own bookkeeping business (www.abnbookkeepingllc.com) when she’s not cuddling her cute cat she fondly calls, “Squeaks”.