I am always in awe when people reach out to me through this little blog. I’m super blessed when there are other young, brown women with similar spiritual journeys who comment or email me. I have been doubly blessed even recently when this happened. It is for that reason I want to share the following. Because I know there are those of you out there who are having similar experiences and even though I can’t change your circumstance (or mine for that matter) maybe you will get some comfort in knowing you are not alone.
Last year right before my 31st birthday, I had a choice to make. Would I continue this path of singleness or would I take the plunge, ignore Holy Spirit, and finally get this desire met? Thankfully I chose to heed Holy Spirit, and clearly I am still single. I told my friend not too long ago when reminiscing about that choice that, “I never wanted to be single. Not even for 1 day”. That is why the choice was so difficult, because it was the very thing I did not want to do. And I had already made that choice in the past. It seemed I was continuously having to choose the very thing I did not want to do.
My friend’s response was, “But you have made it so many more days than just 1”. And she is right. It has been some 3,740 days of intentional singleness. It has been some 515 days since I made that decision last year.
There is not a day that has gone by that I have not been concerned about my future particularly in this area of my life. There is not a day that goes by that I do not wonder WHEN God will manifest His promises to me.
Last night I was reflecting on my journey and I cried out to the Father. I was overwhelmed at the path. At what He had me lay down over, and over again. I asked if He could choose another way with me. If just once, He could not choose waiting to teach me, but if He could teach me in the midst of. But even as I asked Him this, I did not believe He would change His way with me. And even as I asked for this, I feared not keeping Him first in my heart. I could not help but remember Yeshua in the garden,
“Father if there be any way you could take this cup from me…nevertheless, not my will but Yours be done”.
Do you, single, beautiful, godly woman, waiting on the Lord say that same prayer? I believe you do. I believe you are there, desiring His best. Desiring to trust Him and live for Him, but every day You struggle to do this. I gave myself freedom last night for that struggle to be ok. I sat on my couch in the living room at 3 am and let myself be in the moment. I felt the struggle of surrender and the longsuffering of this journey.
I sat in it.
At one point I looked through a journal and found an entry I wrote on singleness. One thing I wrote in that journal that brought me comfort was that the Lord is with me in my life experience. He understands me fully through and through and is walking out each day through me and with me. For me, it is not that big of a deal to be 32 and single. I have friends around that age who are single and are just fine with it. It is about the heart. God knows that my heart 3,740 days ago did not want to be single, not even for 1 day. I could not lay down my desire for myself. I did not value myself enough. But who can say “no” to the One whose hands are scarred for our sin? Who can say “no” when He looks you into your eyes and says “Will you do this one thing for me?” and He asks you that every day.
There are many different types of pains in this world. No pain can be compared. Even as I let myself anguish over my own struggle, I thought of the many starving around the world. Those in poverty. Those in urban environments facing racism and police brutality. And I prayed for them all the while wondering, how can I possibly be struggling with this when there are so many worse things happening in the world? The thing is, we are all so important to the Father. His heart beats for each of His children. He entered into the various pains of this world when He died on a cross. He is Emmanuel. He is with us. No matter what we face or what hard things happen, He is there.
I remember hearing a testimony of a woman who was single with the desire to marry until her 40s. She was engaged to a man in her 30s and thought “that was it”. The man ended up ending their relationship and went back to his ex. She shared about the days and nights she spent on her floor, crying out to the Lord. She shared about the depression. But you know what? God got her through it. His grace is so sufficient. That is one thing I have learned while waiting on the Lord in various areas of my life. I can look back on so many points in time I felt I would not make it. I can think of the relationships I gave up when I laid on the floor in agony, feeling as if a part of me was being ripped from me. I did not want to let go of these people. But now, those are just memories. His grace is sufficient. Time is temporary and waiting is momentary. And God knows exactly what you need to see Him the way you were called to. The way He desires for you to.
Waiting with You.