I really wanted to write a post about the blessed time I had with my family during the 4th of July. Or maybe give you some updates on all the changes happening on the work front. And I also wanted to write about finishing the TLD Dating Challenge (which was awesome BTW!) but instead I’ll write about what seems to be more pressing at the moment. And that is my struggle to reveal my true identity.
We talk a lot about the “false self” and “true self” in my spiritual community. That is the focus God has given us for several years now. We define the false self as the sinful nature and the true self as God’s original intention when He created humanity. When Adam hid himself from God after he sinned in the garden, it was this true self he was hiding. Man has been hiding their true selves ever since. In this season I have seen the false self emerge in friends, loved ones and definitely myself. I’m encouraged b/c I know part of this awareness that I’ve experienced is due to my own “awakening” to my true self. But the awareness has come at a price. The price has been several broken relationships in my own life.
Sometimes I get overwhelmed at the brokenness.
I went for a run the other day and my heart was focused on God’s wholeness for me. Wholeness is basically the restoration of our true identity being manifested (Romans 8:22). So I was running and I was talking to the Lord the whole time, sharing with Him my desire to manifest His wholeness. Sharing with Him my bleeding heart that was a stark sign of my own brokenness. Sharing with Him the neediness and discontentment and need for healing. I ended the run and came home and journaled about it. Then I laid on the floor and sought Him about it. Then I talked to friends later on that day about it. Because I want to see this wholeness.
The thing I’m learning is hardly anything is overnight with Jesus. He loves the process. He loves the mess. He showed me that it was during the times I was messy and broken and ugly (in my opinion) that instead of being repelled by me, He moved closer to me. That is so opposite of my way. Of my false self’s way I should say. My false self can be judgemental and prideful and controlling. My false self usually makes decisions out of fear.
But He is nothing but love.
I’ve been so encouraged in this season in my journey of manifesting my true self. God has heard my cry and He is giving me the desire of my heart. But He is doing it mostly in a process. He is working through my brokenness and others’ brokenness to manifest the wholeness. He is using the pain and the hard conversations. He is using the mess. Whereas I want to gather the mess in one place, dump it out in the trash and never look back because that is easier for me, He draws closer to the mess. And somehow makes beauty out of ashes.
When I get really overwhelmed by the pain and brokenness I often think about my book. It was written about one of the worst pains I had ever experienced and if He could use that pain to help and heal others, and move me so far past that place in the years to come, I know He can do it again.
I know that He will do it again.
Because He loves to use the mess and make it something beautiful.
That is my testimony.
Here are the pics from the 4th 🙂