Shedding The Group Identity


Not sure how many men know this but women have a tendency to be “clickish”.  I know, I know, that’s not a real word.  But what I mean is, women tend to drift into groups (clicks) with other women and develop deep bonding relationships that can last as short as a year or as long as a lifetime.  These relationships develop often through lengthy conversations and shared experiences.  Women share their hearts, their dreams, the intimate places of themselves with other women.  They become sisters.  It’s a beautiful thing really.  God created human beings for relationships because He Himself exists w/in relationship (John 17:21).  Men can form bonds with other men but their bonding looks different.  Rarely do they bond through lengthy drawn out conversations about their passions and dreams.  No, from what I’m learning about men, their bonds usually form through participating in activities like playing basketball or video games (to my male readers, please correct me if I’m wrong).  So the unique thing about women, and one of the gifts that God gave us, is how much we value relationships.  We need emotional connection and we often get those needs met through other women.  Let’s face it, men do not have the stamina to engage in a 5-hour long conversation on the regular.  Yes, I have had 5-hour long conversations with my friends.  And as amazing as that connection has been, and how great it has felt to be a part of a unit or a group, there are some down sides to the click.  


I was talking to my friend yesterday and we both agreed that we are in a season where God has dismantled the group.  We were both apart of a certain group at one time and though we have different stories as to how we were removed from the group (she is a missionary and I’m just going through life changes) we are experiencing the effects of this season of individuality.  Our insecurities are being exposed.  We can no longer find our identity in the group and as uncomfortable as that is, it is needed.  


“God is revealing those unhealthy dependencies so He can balance us out” I shared.  “Yes, b/c even in the group you can take on other people’s issues” she responded.  I could not have said it better myself.  We all have issues, or dysfunction, or unhealthiness, whatever term you want to use.  And for a long time, God in His mercy and patience allowed my issues to be masked in unhealthy relationships.  He saw that my primary need in times past was for relationship.  It was to have a safe place to learn and grow in Him.  So He worked through the unhealthiness, and actually used those relationships to heal me and help me get to where I am today.  

But today, it is a new season.  He has removed the groups.  He has all eyes on me.


I feel those eyes when I wake up in the morning and when I go to bed at night.  I am awakening to His presence like never before and I realize how desperately I am in need of Him.  I’m grateful He has given me community and relationships, even in the removal of unhealthy ones, so I am still supported through this transition.  I am being transformed and the way that I relate to others is as well.  This has to happen for me to manifest my true identity in Him.


Women are amazing creatures.  We display His connection and relationships in ways men cannot.  But like all things in this fallen world, boundaries and wisdom are needed, otherwise we fall into codependency and idolatry.


Maybe there will come a time when He will restore these groups in my life.  For now, I’m trusting that even in the shifting and my own transformation and change, He remains the same.




By Nicole D. Miller

Nicole D. Miller is an author and heartfelt writer, as expressed on her blog Better Than Wine. Her books are published at and on Amazon. She loves all things “old school” hip-hop and R&B, along with any outfit that involves cute boots and thick scarves. She even manages to run her own bookkeeping business ( when she’s not cuddling her cute cat she fondly calls, “Squeaks”.

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