Anxiety and Fear and Anger. I read the email and that is all I felt. I was offended and wounded and at my ending point. Again. I began to shut down my computer monitors. I made plans in my head of how I was going to make it financially. I was done. I spoke with a friend, she spoke words of truth but they bounced off the shields of pain surrounding my heart and fell lifelessly to the ground.
I stared lifelessly at the ground.
I can’t complete this assignment. I can’t continue on this way. Something has to change. I spoke with my superior, letting him see my anger, questioning his questions. I walked away and gave myself the weekend to cool down. This is what I heard:
“God gives grace to the humble and resists the proud. God promotes the humble”.
For the first time in my life I thanked God for humility. I cannot say that I am a humble person but I saw very clearly that God was intentionally leading me on this path of humility in my career b/c if He did not, the very thing that was causing me pain would be the thing that I would use to cause others pain. I would be the person with the false agenda and selfish ambition.
I would be him.
I prayed God would give me His agenda. I have been about my own agenda so often. And the pride I was functioning in was so deceiving. The world would have said I was on the right track. My peers and family and loved ones would have said I was on the right track. But my heart was full of pride and self-seeking and selfish ambition. It was full of my own agenda. I was not like Paul, who chose to stay a little while longer on earth b/c the body of Christ needed him. He forsook his own desire to be in glory for their wellbeing. I was ready to move on regardless. I didn’t care. So God gave me time to repent. Gave me time to invest in these relationships, sow more seeds, so that in the end I would reap a greater harvest of souls. This path has been so painful, but some of the pain is a result of my own sinful nature being removed. My own dysfunction being exposed.
God is teaching me something. He is developing some things in me. He is preparing me for the next season which I must believe will eventually come because His word says so. He promotes the humble. But first I must be humble. And so I did the humble thing. I had a 2nd meeting. I voiced my side in a professional way. I shared my heart in truth and humility. God is using me and it is in spite of me. But He is also using those around me to sharpen and grow me in my areas of weakness. It’s important that I learn these lessons now, b/c they will just come back around later on if I don’t. I will just be humbled in a worst way later on if not now.
If I am to be about my Father’s business, then I must have my Father’s heart. I must have His agenda. And in order for me to carry out His agenda, I must follow the path He is leading me on. Even when it consists of the very things I do not want to do. Especially when it consists of those things. Because as I keep reminding myself, every time I have obeyed, the end result has always been in my favor.
He has always given me the best possible outcome.