Why You Are Not Being Pursued


Recently I was having a conversation with a friend. She shared about how foolish she felt for getting her hopes up that a young man she was in communication with did not pursue. He seemed to be interested and she looked forward to their next meeting and anticipated an opportunity to get to know him better. Instead, when they met, he kept things light and focused on the business at hand. He did not initiate getting to know her on a personal level and she was very disappointed. When she shared her feelings about the situation and how silly she felt, I responded to her with the following:

You are beautiful, successful, intelligent, godly and over 30. You have so much going for you and it is only God that a man is not pursuing you. It is only His protection because nothing else makes any logical sense. And this is a NATURAL desire for you to want a date! This is a NATURAL desire for you to want a man to pursue you!

I personally have had several experiences of men flirting, sending me signals and then leaving me high and dry without pursuing me. Without taking the effort to get to know me better. From those instances I have come to the following conclusions as to why they have not pursued:

#1 God’s protection. God knows the end outcome of everything. He knows if a man’s pursuit will distract me from my purpose or propel me forward into fulfilling the call on my life.

#2 Immaturity. Let’s face it, men are just less mature than women. For whatever reason, women tend to mature more quickly and as a result it seems to be more difficult to find a man that is as mature if not more mature than the amazing women who surround me (myself included). This immaturity causes men to be insecure. They see how amazing a woman is, all that she is bringing to the table and they know they cannot compete. They are intimidated and do not step up to the plate of pursuit.

#3 Your issues. I’m in a season of self-realization and will be transparent about the issues Holy Spirit is revealing w/in me. Those issues consist of neediness which leads to desperateness, a lack of self-worth which stems from a lack of identity and leads to a lack of self-confidence. And the list goes on and on. All of these attributes are repelling. A man can discern if you yourself are desperate, clingy and are not on a mission to reflect your personal identity apart from him. If He is a mature, godly man, these unattractive attributes will cause him to steer clear. He is looking for someone who is walking in wholeness just as he is walking in wholeness. He is looking for someone who desires a mate that will complement the work Christ is already doing in her life. Not someone who will look to him to complete her.

And then there’s the gap that results between God’s perfect will and what we are really faced with here on earth. The reality of more black men being imprisoned, homosexual and married by the age of 30 are definitely reasons as to why black women over 30 are single. Statistics show that the more degrees a woman has, the less chance of being married she has. I have 2 degrees, a license and will probably accumulate even more education credentials as I continue in my career. Though God did not intend the dysfunction which has led to the aforementioned events (jail & homosexuality), I do believe He uses it, working through the dysfunction and around it. That means He is working through the statistics that face you, to sanctify you, complete His work in you, and offer you His best. Nothing limits Elohim, especially not statistics. He is limitless.

So next time you are not pursued, understand that this world is fallen. The lack of pursuit is not a result of your lack of beauty or worth. You are desired. But unless you see that first and foremost, and understand that Your Heavenly Father desires you more than anything, a man pursuing you will not satisfy. It will serve as a temporary means of satisfaction, but the yearning of your soul will go on unfulfilled.


By Nicole D. Miller

Nicole D. Miller is an author and heartfelt writer, as expressed on her blog Better Than Wine. Her books are published at nicoledmiller.com and on Amazon. She loves all things “old school” hip-hop and R&B, along with any outfit that involves cute boots and thick scarves. She even manages to run her own bookkeeping business (www.abnbookkeepingllc.com) when she’s not cuddling her cute cat she fondly calls, “Squeaks”.

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