I’ve been reading some old journals lately. I’m so grateful that I didn’t burn them the way I wanted to last year. Last year when I was heartbroken at the path Christ had called me to take. When I was discouraged at the future that seemed so bleak. Because in reading them, I can now see His plan. I receive comfort that He has done and is doing a work in me. And that He has purpose in this work. I’m seeing patterns in my life. Patterns that now make sense in hindsight and even in the midst of the test.
Seven years ago I was experiencing several waiting periods and times of testing back-to-back-to-back. As a previous student of higher education and an avid learner, I can appreciate a good test. I have even enjoyed taking some tests because I prepared well, enjoyed the material and knew that this was my moment to shine in showing all that I had learned. But even the best student cannot possibly enjoy taking test, after test, after test. I mean who really likes final exams? It’s always stressful as you are overloading your brain with a variety of information for multiple classes and possibly expected to remember every single topic that was covered over the year.
Well 7 years ago, I definitely experienced a period in my walk with Christ similar to taking final exams. And I caved. That last test was the “final straw”. I broke down, flipped out and told Jesus “peace out”. Because clearly Lord You do not have my best interest at heart. Clearly the constant surrender and obedience I keep giving isn’t worth a thing, because You keep wanting more.
Now maybe I am the only one that has felt this way. Maybe my frustration with God’s will and His path are unique to just me. But I hardly doubt it as I am reminded that even Job caved. He was cool when he lost his land. He was ok when His kids were taken from Him. And even when His wife turned on him. But in time, he caved. And as he cried out to God the ugliness of his heart was displayed.
There is none not righteous, no not even one (Romans 3:10).
But in God’s eyes Job was righteous. After all God was the one that brought Job to Satan’s attention, because He was confident in who Job was. God did not judge Job based on his failure b/c God would make up for that on the Cross. Instead He based Job on Job’s heart for God and God’s heart for Job.
Now, 7 years later I find myself once again taking the final exam. And all of the years I have been walking with Christ have been preparation for it. Even that last final exam 7 years ago was preparation for it. Funny thing about God is that He uses the test to continue teaching you. So you learn before the test and then you learn during it.
I am learning a lot during this test. I am learning that I can trust Him. I am learning that weeping endures for a night but joy comes in the morning. I am learning that I really can do anything through Him because it is His strength that sustains me. I really can run and not grow weary, and walk and not faint. But only if He is first. Only if He is my purpose.
So this is the final test. I know this b/c His Spirit told me so. And I will pass. I know that too b/c He said it. And now I have peace. And rest. In Him.