I did not get the job I applied for. I kind of knew that would happen but it’s still a letdown. Even applying for it tugged on so many heart strings. This journey of surrender and waiting never gets easy. When I was told there was another more qualified candidate I did a quick debate in my head. Should I fight for it? Should I believe in myself, interview and list all of the great reasons why I could do the position? Instead I chose to view it as “not the right fit” and continue on the current path I’m walking.
My mom asked recently if I had applied for the job she had suggested for me. I had honestly forgotten about it. It’s out of state and I don’t feel called to relocate. It’s difficult explaining to others how practical things in life actually pertain to a calling. I can’t just get up and leave just b/c I want to. There aren’t very many things I can do just because I want to. My natural tendency would be to bottle up my disappointment, stuff it down, and keep moving forward. I would not have written a blog about it. I would not have written about it at all. But I’m learning the “buck up” attitude is linked to perfectionism and type-A-ism and so many other isms that keep me from walking in grace. Instead I’m putting it out there. I’m writing on social media and I’m letting you, my faithful readers know. I’m disappointed. Not necessarily because I feel like this job was a perfect fit b/c that is not the case. But because it never feels good to have a door close even if there’s a better one that will one day open.
I got to spend the weekend with loved ones doing something new. We visited Disney World and saw so many of the highlights you hear about in advertisements and media. There was one highlight though we did not get to see b/c we were too late to see it. I was disappointed. We all were. But in that moment I knew, it is not about being disappointed, that is inevitable in life. It is about how we respond to disappointments. And I think we all responded well, choosing to enjoy our remaining time together, rather than sulk about the missed event.
My friend told me I was resilient. That was something I always wanted to be. People who can bounce back from adversity and keep moving forward have a special place in my heart. I always wanted to be that type of person. But I’m learning, it is not my resilience, it is His. It is not my strength it is His. So I’ll let myself be disappointed, so I can rely on His strength instead of my own to keep moving forward.