It is being brought to my attention in this season the true, unadulterated purpose of my life. For many years I thought its’ purpose was to achieve, receive and have. I would have told you it was to glorify my Maker. I would have said these words out loud in fervent declaration as I belted out my favorite worship song to Him. But alas, my passion and emotional outbursts, though sincere, were immature. Because while I adored Him outwardly, the inward parts of me screamed “me, me me!” God in His love and mercy, has led me, and is leading me on a journey of discovery. This discovery is showing me that life truly is not about me.
It truly is not about you.
It truly is all about Him.
I know, I know. This revelation is a little disappointing. Admit it. It is disappointing to all of us, because we all have that sinful nature that screams “me, me, me!”
I am an achiever by nature. It is my personality to find the latest challenge, conquer it and move on to the next challenge. God knows this. And so His way of pruning me is to withhold those challenges. He kind of spaces them out over periods of time in my life by
moments years of waiting. He knows that I will operate out of selfish ambition, and move in and of my own strength. He knows that this ambition will only further perpetuate me into being self-oriented.
He is moving me out of being self-orientated to being God-oriented.
This has NOT been an easy process. In fact, I am seeing a pattern. The most challenging circumstances in my life bring forth the most character growth and maturity. It is during the times that I have chosen Him over my own desires, that I have had the most pain. I see now, that pain was a result of something dying inside of me. Something fleshly, and ugly. That something was self.
To date in this journey with Him, I have chosen to take the rockier path. In His grace, He has given me hind’s feet on this path, to maneuver gracefully and dodge those things intended to ensnare me. I assure you this is His eternal view. As for me, I would say I have made this journey look anything but graceful. Lots of crying, and snot and rebelliousness. But He is much more merciful in His perception.
It is only now that I see that those things I’ve been reaching for to achieve and to accomplish, were really intended to direct me towards Him. All gifts are given to direct our gaze at Him. Those desires we have and gifts He wants to give are like markers on the compass of our hearts. Our hearts are pointing due north to Him. And so no matter how much we accomplish, and how much we achieve, even when it is the thing we have longed for the most, it will not satisfy. He has wired our hearts to only be satisfied with Him. In a sense, He has rigged our hearts for Him. We can often be deceived that we can be satisfied with lesser things. That we can be satisfied apart from Him. But those achievements and accomplishments will only give a temporary moment of relief, and then our hearts will ferociously be against us, looking for the next thing to fulfill it.
In this season, Christ is removing the illusion. He is pulling back the curtains and letting me peer behind the stage to see what is really happening. And now I see, it is self that wants to dominate within me. It is the deceitfulness of my own heart to partner with self and make this life about me. Thankfully, He has promised to make me like Him. The Selfless One. The One who gave His life for a world that did not even thank Him for it. That is what He is doing in me. That is what He is doing in you.